Dear Husband (or Wife)... Just a quick note to let you know:

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

We do not need two of everything, including tiny dustpan and brush for sweeping crumbs off the table, which you (and certainly I) never do.

Nor do we need fifteen different varieties of coolbag.

That spare car battery you left in the utility room has caught my ankles so many times I would throw it through the window. If only I could lift the damn thing.

I know you need a shed, but must you live in it?

Teaching the three boys to burp God Save the Queen is not going to go down particularly well at Cubs.

Nor is armpit-farting.

Nor normal farting, at will, for that matter. Yes, I know I do it. But not to a chorus of masculine approval at the level of vibration, volume and reverberation.

I would like you occasionally to try a Paul Smith shirt even though you think James May looks like a girl. Dad-wear from Tesco is getting a bit tedious.

And by the way, I have set up an Amazon gift list for a reason. I do not expect you - as I have posted here many times - to come back from Tesco the night before my birthday with another Top Gear DVD.

Thanks

[loobeylou]

ROFL at "Doing a supermarket shop does not mean buying everything that is on offer/shortdated so that all I have to make a meal with is a broken box of cous cous, 16 scotch eggs and 4 packets of jammy dodgers"

and at
Dear dh:

You always get up a couple of minutes before me, and set out breakfast cereal for all of us. Thank you.

After breakfast, while you are in the shower, the girls will change into uniforms that I bought, washed, ironed and put away. Using the timetable that I made for them, they will then gather together the PE/swimming kit that I organised, the costume that I made, the homework that I nagged them through and the violin that they practised at my behest. They will pick up the packed lunch that I have made, with ingredients that I made sure were in the house. I will then chivvy them through their toothbrushing and hairbrushing activities, make them wash their faces and find the emergency lost whatever it is this morning. I will tidy up the kitchen whilst doing so. If I'm really lucky I may have time to have my shower or - who knows - even put on some makeup before going off to work.

Please stop telling me that you "do all the mornings".

"

[Termagant]

Dear Husband,

Thank you for cleaning up the cat sick this morning, however DON'T shout at me from the kitchen that there's no kitchen roll. There is kitchen roll, it just didn't magically re-appear on the holder when you used the last sheet to blow your nose last night.

Also, when i tell you to look for it, don't be surprised that it may not fall into your hands immediately. Telling me that it was "right at the back" in an annoyed tone winds me up.

While we're on the subject, there are tissues in the bathroom, the bedroom and the study. you don't have to use kitchen roll.

Love Me x

[moshie]

Dear DH

just because the washing machine is full it doesn't mean the washing is waiting to be hung out. CLUE - if it is still dry it hasn't been washed yet. I do not want to spend my time getting dirty washing off the line and re-loading the machine.

Oh, and your farts are not "just wind" - they are a noxious gas that have been through your bowels, therefore I don't want them anywhere near me.
Thank you.

[Trikken]

Dear MrTrikken,

I will always love you, but perhaps I would end up a little bit more sane if you;

A. Manage to put empty packets in the bin, not on the work-surface, near to the bin.

B. Put towels back on the towel-rail after use, not in the sink, so the edges get all wet when you turn the tap on.

C. Remembered to wipe the bath after your bath, as I do not like swimming in hairs, and neither does your son.

D. Upon realising the baby smells, do not wait for me to be free and say "Its your turn love." even though it has been MY turn since two days after ds's birth.

E. Realise that when I put a clean pile of clothes on your side of the bed I do expect you to put them away, not for them to go back in the basket.

F.Chucked away those pants with the zip down the front. it is not sexy when you scream cos you've zipped up your bits into it.

Otherwise Im happy.

Loves from The Wife.

[HarleyQuinn]

Another quick note.

Darling,

If you are wondering why your t-shirts or socks arent being washed and appearing back on top of the chest of drawers, its because placing them on the back of chairs or on the top of the sofa in the living room after you come in from work, isnt going to make them appear in the laundry basket unless you actually pick them up and place them in there.

P.S there is NO laundry fairy

Oh, and another thing, please dont moan at me, if you forget that you have a doctors/ bank appointment and havent written it down on the calandar.
I am not your secretary!

Love always,

Harley xx

[MrsMerryHenry]

mrsbabookaloo - today I definitely think the cloth thing is the greater of the two sins.



I might change my mind tomorrow!



-----

Dear MrMerryHenry

I love you like I've never loved any man before. But when you spread all our dirty dishes across the entire kitchen, covering every millimetre of space (including hob and work surfaces), in order to organise the washing-up back into the sink...but then get distracted and go back to the office to do a full day's work, leaving said dishes covering the whole kitchen...

...it is, to put it mildly...annoying. And no, you're not allergic to the word 'sorry'. And yes, I'll still love you if you say it. After having put the dishes back.

Love

MMH

[lexysmith]

Dearest MrLexy

Clearly you are taller, faster, better at the computer stuff and less likely to die early from obesity than myself (as you so often - rightly enough - point out ), but when you cook our dinner, please can you not make a special effort to use every slightly gone off ingredient that you can find in the kitchen because you are super frugal and think 'it needs using up'? Sausages are not nice in a fish pie. Mustard does not improve the taste of spaghetti bolognese. You cannot use pesto when its covered in white fluff - and boiling it hard doesn't help either.

Its a wonder I ever got to be the weight I am.

Your loving wife
x

[Antdamm]

Dear Dp,

Thanks very much for all the great stuff you do - make cool stuff and play with DS, iron your own clothes and work very hard.

But please can you not say to me at 11:30 that you will be 'up in a minute' and not appear in our bedroom til 1am and then complain that i am sleeping.

When we first got together you cooked for me all the time, now you say i am the better cook, so i cook for you, but you don't really like what i cook, or how i make lasagne, macaroni cheese or pizza - so why don't you start cooking again? And when I suggest this, don't give the usual of 'but I only know how to make stovies' pah

Since you do iron your own clothes as i simply refuse to iron anything, could you please put the iron and the ironing board away after use, dont just expect that I will do it for you, nor moan at me when I dont put it away.

How can you complain about my hair being left to sit in the drain in the shower when you leave a weeks worth of beard in the sink?

Just because that one time DS and I were away for a week and YOU managed to tidy the entire house by yourself, doesnt mean you can keep bringing this up everytime you come home from work to find that the house isn't to your standards.

Dont do that thing where you say 'i dont mind what we have for tea' and then complain that the risotto i have spent a good half hour stirring on the hob isn't what you wanted.

Don't deliberately 'forget' to take out something from the freezer for the next nights tea, so we end up having to have a takeaway.

Don't doge the question of 'when are we going to get married' with 'can we talk about this another time' because it has been almost 3 years since you said you were going to propose, but since you are so useless I bought our wedding rings at xmas and you still havent made a move. Get on with it. Or I'll be 65 before we end up tying the knot, I don't want be you 'girlfriend' forever you know.

Thanks

Antdamm

xx

[BettySwollux]

Dearest H,
Please can you fix the skirting boards in the living room.

I have been waiting four years.

Thankyou,

Betty xx

[Loosemo]

Dear Bloke,

I do know a lot of stuff, but I don't automatically know where your keys/wallet/shoes are.

Your Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe (from Frasier) impersonation whenever you're desperately hunting for things: "Where's my stuff? Someone's stolen my stuff! This stinks! This is total B.S! ...Oh, there it is." really gets on my wick.

Other than that, you're alright really.

Loose xx

[wombleprincess]

Dear DH

the laundry, ironing, washing, cleaning, cooking pixies have gone on sabatical.

unfortunately john lewis had sold out of self stocking fridges by the time i got there.

if you eat your daughters food, she has nothing to eat.

Nadine

[Themasterandmargaritas]

Dear dh

What a great husband and daddy you truly are. However singing Christmas songs in the shower with the dc has to stop. It's only June for heavens sake. Also please note that Away in A Manger was not designed to be sung in rounds.

your loving wife.

PS - And yes, I do know everything.

[HerHonesty]

Dear DH,

You are so kind and considerate. Shrinking all my washing so DD has a lovely wardrobe was such a good idea, i wouldnt have thought of it. However, I am not sure dd really appreciates the finer qualities of cashmere, so please just stick to shrinking the tesco's stuff,

many thanks..

[chegirl]

Darling man,

When I say 'can we all pitch in and give the house a going over'

This is NOT a signal for you to go and tidy up your sock drawer.

I appreciate that you love your games consul [possibly more than you love me] but MUST you settle down to try and clock a new game the moment you get home with it, regardless of time of day? Buying a new game is not the same as breaking your leg, it does NOT excuse you from the school run.

Mwah

[fishtankbrain]

Dear Mr Fishtankbrain,

You are indeed marvellous in many respects and the fact that your work on the veggie garden means that we are self sufficient in veg for the whole summer absolves you of many things. However, you may find the following points helpful:

1. The letters addressed to you that are left in the middle of the otherwise empty kitchen table for when you come home from work are left there by me for you to open, not as some kind of strange avant-garde table ornaments.

1. Putting things near where they should go is not as good as putting them where they should go. In fact, it's probably worse than simply leaving them alone.

1. The fridge is designed for food. It is not an expensive storage device for empty cartons. Neither is the worktop next to the fridge. You may be confusing both with the bin which the cylindrical shiny object in the corner of the kitchen.

Ta.

Fishtankbrain

[SheDancesTheFlamingo]

Lovin' this thread (even tho' I only just discovered it)...

Dear DH
The fact that I bought you nice boxer shorts is an expression of my affection for you.
HOWEVER...no matter how you spin it, insisting on wearing the very same pants for days until they could probably walk themselves to the laundry basket, cannot, under any circumstances, be interpreted as an act of gratitude or appreciation for my generosity.
["ew" emoticon]

[tatt]

Dear DH

At the bottom of the toaster is a pull out tray. Please pull it out sometimes and empty it into the recycling box.

When the printer is running out of ink you could order some new, not ask me to do it. Sometimes I am so tired of having total responsibility for everything.

[swiftyknickers]

OMGG pan, are we married to the same man???!

Dear DH, I adore you and you work v hard for our family BUT...can you please not tidy the kkitchen drawers once a week and say that is 'housework'...no its bloody not.

Equally if I have put letters in the drawers where I know the contents (like bank statements) leave them on the side for me to open just because you want to know whats in them.......Gggggggr

when you start painting a room, if you could finish it within say...3 years it would be appreciated!

as you were!!

[swiftyknickers]

that meant to say dont leave them on the side!!

[silverten]

Dear DH,

You are indeed fantastic and I am very lucky to be married to someone as kind, thoughtful, supportive, practical and house-trained as you. I am probably not quite as good a wife as you are a husband.

However:

Please put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, instead of leaving them scattered gaily about the house. Then we will have clean cups for our morning tea, as I will remember to switch it on last thing at night, and empty it while I'm making your brew. I know you think the presence of clean dishes is magic- it is not, it is me at 6am.

Please throw that stupid bit of plastic from the top of the milk bottle in the bin, instead of leaving it sticky-side down on the worktop.

When you have finished your tasty breakfast toast, please put the bread back in the bin, without the buttery knife, please, and the milk back in the fridge. Then it won't cook in the heat of the sun shining through the kitchen windows while we are at work. Also please wipe the crumbs up. You know I hate crumbs with a passion.

When cooking, I don't mind if you use the entire kitchen's equipment. I do mind, however, if the effort of producing such culinary delights exhausts you so much that you are rendered incapable of clearing up after you eat and leave the entire bomb-site for me to deal with whilst making the morning tea. If this is too difficult, please make boiled eggs instead (nb see note on toast above).

I file paperwork more often and more consistently than you do. I am not perfect in this respect but at least I maintain only one 'miscellaneous' pile which serves as the source of everything bill-like that I cannot immediately locate. Therefore, when you have decided to have a clear out, please don't place a huge pile of things needing to be filed on my desk with a martyred air, as if to imply that I am a clerical slattern.

Your slippers are on the shoe rack. Where the shoes live. This has been the answer to the question 'Where are my slippers?' for the last thirteen years.

Yours,

Beloved Wifey

[TitsalinaBumsquash]

Dearest DP

I think your fab in general but would like you to note the following....

If im am not cooking it doesnt mean you have to starve, the thing in the Kitchen that gets very hot is called a cooker....... use it.

If i say to you when you ask that im fine, please dont ask me a further 5096978584 times just to check.

If you dont want the children touching you xbox/playstation/wii then please dont take it apart on the lounge floor when they are still awake.

Thats all for now!

Your ever loving Tits.

[NathanBarley]

My ever loving husband,

No, I don't know who that woman on tv (with blonde hair and big bazoongas) is.

No, that's not brad Pitt in the background at the queen vic, it's really not.

When you've spent 3 hours making a delicious risotto with v expensive ingredients, don't add shitey White wine at the end, making it taste like post-nightclub vomit. Or if you do, don't sulk when I am not keen on eating it.

Oh, and your watch is in the bathroom where you left it. Yes it is.

[PiratePrincess]

Dear DH

You are absolutely wonderful with the DC's, they are so lucky to have you. However, sometimes I do not feel quite so lucky for the following reasons:

1. For the love of God, when you're working from home it would take 2 minutes max to put on a wash. And when it's finished, please hang it over the radiators (as you have the heating on all day!)

1. No - I don't know where it is. Or where you put it. Or where you left it. Or where I last saw it. And nor do I care.

1. When my friends are talking to me on the phone, they are not talking to you too. Please shut up.

I would, however, like to say a huge thank you for losing weight so you only woke me up once last night with your snoring

Your PP xx

[PassMeTheKleenex]

Dear Mr Kleenex

I know I am quite lazy myself (no cooking/gardening/DIY going on here), so I can't really complain too much. However, you know the following drive me insane, so could you see your way to addressing one or two of these points?!

• your shoes should go on the shoe rack please (even DS, age 3, gets annoyed that you don't do it - and I cleared space especially for you!!)

• DON'T PUT DIRTY TEASPOONS ON THE KITCHEN SURFACE I HAVE JUST CLEANED. Especially when the dishwasher is empty

• if you must take your socks off the second you walk in the door, please don't just drop them where you stand. One day I will live up to my promise to collect them all in a bin bag and throw them away

• I really don't mind doing all the washing & putting 95% of the laundry away...but can you stretch to putting your own clothes in your own cupboard, rather than leaving them on the floor to get walked on, therefore rendering the ironing pointless

• Why do you have to use kitchen roll to blow your nose when there are perfectly good boxes of - ahem - Kleenex for your nose-wiping pleasure? More to the point, why do you have to leave them on every surface in the bedroom for me to collect up & bin? It's gross.

There might be more, but these are the ones that spring to mind.

Thank you
Mrs Kleenex

[PassMeTheKleenex]

Oh yes - please don't leave your keys/phone/coins in a pile on the kitchen surface that you know I will have to clean. You also know I will put them into the plastic tub I put on the said surface especially for these items, so don't moan when I do. At least you will be able to find them.