Dear Husband (or Wife)... Just a quick note to let you know:

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

We do not need two of everything, including tiny dustpan and brush for sweeping crumbs off the table, which you (and certainly I) never do.

Nor do we need fifteen different varieties of coolbag.

That spare car battery you left in the utility room has caught my ankles so many times I would throw it through the window. If only I could lift the damn thing.

I know you need a shed, but must you live in it?

Teaching the three boys to burp God Save the Queen is not going to go down particularly well at Cubs.

Nor is armpit-farting.

Nor normal farting, at will, for that matter. Yes, I know I do it. But not to a chorus of masculine approval at the level of vibration, volume and reverberation.

I would like you occasionally to try a Paul Smith shirt even though you think James May looks like a girl. Dad-wear from Tesco is getting a bit tedious.

And by the way, I have set up an Amazon gift list for a reason. I do not expect you - as I have posted here many times - to come back from Tesco the night before my birthday with another Top Gear DVD.

Thanks

[LilRedWG]

Dear Mr LilRedWG,

I love you dearly, BUT if you continue to say, "I don't suppose you fancy ironing my shirt/getting up early on Saturday and taking DD to ballet/etc, etc", I will continue to say, "No, I don't fancy it thanks". If you want me to do something, blood well ask me to! Grr.

Other than that, you are pretty fabulous. xx

[displayuntilbestbefore]

Dear MrDisplay,

You are a wonderful man, make my heart sing and all that bollocks but when we are together and the DCs are running amok, could you at least consider being the one who reacts to any hitting/crying/bashing/fingers in plug sockets/cries for food etc rather than it always falling to me to actually do something about something?
Just a thought.

Oh and please turn off the PS3 because I'm feeling fruity

yours, Mrs Display
kissy kissy hearts and all that

[jurisfictionoperative]

Dear mr jurisdiction.. I love you to pieces, and really appreciate all the lovely housework you take it upon yourself to do when I am trying to relax in the evening, but, when you ignore dishwasher and do the dishes by hand, please then dry them and put them away, and remember, saucepans are not self cleaning.
Please lover, edges and corners need hoovering too.
Sweetie, the rocking chair in the dining room, and the footstool aren't extensions of our wardrobe.
And beloved, please bear in mind, I am able to do anything else, when you leave me at home with the kids. It's not an excuse to do nothing.
My dearest angel, who I love more than life itself.. If you could see your way clear to doing ANY of those little jobs that men are meant to be good at, and to leave all my little jobs alone. That would make my life complete.
Your dearest partner, mrs jurisfiction.

P.s, I am not sleeping, when I retire to bed after a general anaesthetic, I am in a drug enduced stupor.
Any attempts to check if I am still alive, breathing, would like a cup of tea, or am in need of sustenance after 16 hours without food, would be gratefully recieved. Xoxoxox

[pingviner]

dear mr pingviner

you are utterly lovely and get all the big things in life right
but there are more descriptions in the world than 'fine' or 'ok'
and most peoples emotional range extends beyond 'alright'or 'tired'
not all greens are green, you cant just put clothing items together because 'well, its green isnt it' Ds looked like a peculiarly mismatched lime and jade cabbage....

and can you get rid of those bloody speakers please please please
i dont care how expensive they were, or that they go up to 11
they are ugly, clutter up the bedroom and by the time you ever set them up will be completely obsolete
so you might as well sell them before they do

btw I know exactly what youre going to say in reply and it involves use of the dishwasher

lol

[floweryblue]

Dear Mr Flower,

You are in almost every way perfect.

Your insistance that only you are capable of loading the dishwasher correctly is a joy as it absolves me of all responsibility in that area.

I also appreciate that the hoover has to be dismantled at all times so that I can never use it.

You are brilliant at fixing/making things for me (and all my family). You do almost everything I ask you to do without complaint and I should really appreciate you far more than I do.

But...if you do make the dinner I would be grateful if you could remember that I don't like chilli, or packet sauces, and I don't want sausage or bacon or oven chips every time (or ever, as previously discussed).

I realise that I am being selfish and unreasonable asking you to make the dinner at all, given all the other work you do. But when your children stay with us, let's be fair, who feeds them properly?

I also like to eat at a reasonable hour. I understand that you work really hard (even though at the moment you are earning very little money, and that's not your fault) but so do I (and I earn even less!). It would make life easier if you could look at a clock now and again.

Also, if you must set the timer on the oven, maybe attempting to be in range of the beeper (or my gentle acknowledgement of the beeper) would be helpful.

These are such tiny matters given all the areas in which you give me due consideration that I feel bad even mentioning them, they do however drive me nuts on a daily basis.

lots of love,
Ms Flower (OK so the Ms is another story)

PS Just because it's sunny, doesn't mean I have suddenly got the urge to go rock/cliff climbing or overcome my vertigo.

[poorbuthappy]

Dear Mr PBH

I do love you but...

1. sunshine is not an excuse to want a shag as soon as the kids are either asleep/out of the house. Chances are if you've had it within the last 36 hours you may have to wait another 36 hours.
   
   
2. a vague hint of sunshine does not give you the right to disappear into the garden for 4 hours before the birthday party is due to start at 12, to potter, water, and generally do stuff when I have 3 kids to amuse (2 who are only just walking so need constant attention in the garden), get ready, and get myself ready, and tidy up, and peg washing out etc etc...for you to then swan into the house at 11.45 and ask if I need any help when you can quite clearly see that we are all ready to go and are actually sat in the car waiting for you to get washed and changed.
   
   
3. I know I don't clean the bathroom as often as i should... but if I did clean it every day would you insist on shaving your head and trimming your stubble every day too? Why do you only do it when I clean the bathroom??
   
   Love you lots...
   
   Mrs PBH

[fatheadsgirl]

Dear DP,

Please do not greet me in nothing but your birthday suit demanding to know the whereabouts of your pants and then huff and puff when I reply with an indepth description of how the washing machine works......on the same note do not tell me that the washing basket is full - I know and I'm guessing by your comment that you too have noticed.

Do not when i'm knee deep in washing,whilst trying to do dinner, get ready for work come and tell me that DD needs her bum wiping - you're more than capable.

Do not interupt my bath to come and have a poo and a conversation.

Mostly though you are quite fantabulous

Love the moaning cow you live with x x

[CardyMow]

Dear DP, when I am busy doing the 40,000 other loads of washing that appear each week, and you turn around to me on a Friday night asking for your work clothes to be washed, knowing full well that I have 3 loads of school uniform to wash every weekend, please expect to get told that if you touch my washing machine on a Saturday or Sunday I will remove certain parts of your anatomy. I have told you for the last 12 years an awful lot that you have from Monday morning to Friday lunchtime to get your one wash a week on.
When you do the washing up for me, while the thought is nice, if you leave dried-on, crusty bits of food on the crockery/utensils/cutlery, I will moan because it means me having to do it again.
Please do not moan at me that you have no clean socks when you seem to hide them in random places around the house. If I don't go hunting for a 6 year olds' socks, I'm not hunting for a 35 year olds' socks.

Yours lovingly, Loudlass

[colditz]

Dear Dp.

No. Not even if I am really relaxed, not even with lots of lube, not even if you promise never to mention it again, it is not the natural progression of snuggly early morning spooning. the answer is no, it's always going to be no.

I love you.

X

[ttalloo]

Dear DH

You have your uses - DIY, IT troubleshooting, car stuff, reaching things on high shelves, dealing with creepy crawlies - but you'd be bloody perfect if you could please do the following:

1. When the DSs spill/break something don't shriek Mummy at me so that I can come and deal with it. In fact don't call me Mummy at all.
   
   
2. On the rare occasions that you look after the DSs without any help from your parents, please stop saying that you are "babysitting for me". They're your children too, and looking after them so that I can shower/cook/go to work is not doing me a favour.
   
   
3. Please stop swearing at other drivers when the DSs are in the back of the car. Hearing DS1 repeat 'ucking 'unt was not funny (well only a little bit).
   
   
4. When DS2 has done a poo, please change his nappy. Don't ignore it so that it gives him nappy rash in the hope that I notice it first.
   
   
5. Doing the bins every Monday night takes five minutes. It does not justify the song and dance you make over it every week.
   
   There's much more but I'm tired and am going to sleep now. But not before peeling you off the sofa and dragging you upstairs so that you don't wake me up in two hours' time thudding into bed with your shoes on.
   
   Lots of love
   ttalloo