Dear Husband (or Wife)... Just a quick note to let you know:

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

We do not need two of everything, including tiny dustpan and brush for sweeping crumbs off the table, which you (and certainly I) never do.

Nor do we need fifteen different varieties of coolbag.

That spare car battery you left in the utility room has caught my ankles so many times I would throw it through the window. If only I could lift the damn thing.

I know you need a shed, but must you live in it?

Teaching the three boys to burp God Save the Queen is not going to go down particularly well at Cubs.

Nor is armpit-farting.

Nor normal farting, at will, for that matter. Yes, I know I do it. But not to a chorus of masculine approval at the level of vibration, volume and reverberation.

I would like you occasionally to try a Paul Smith shirt even though you think James May looks like a girl. Dad-wear from Tesco is getting a bit tedious.

And by the way, I have set up an Amazon gift list for a reason. I do not expect you - as I have posted here many times - to come back from Tesco the night before my birthday with another Top Gear DVD.

Thanks

[ttalloo]

Dear DH

You have your uses - DIY, IT troubleshooting, car stuff, reaching things on high shelves, dealing with creepy crawlies - but you'd be bloody perfect if you could please do the following:

1. When the DSs spill/break something don't shriek Mummy at me so that I can come and deal with it. In fact don't call me Mummy at all.
   
   
2. On the rare occasions that you look after the DSs without any help from your parents, please stop saying that you are "babysitting for me". They're your children too, and looking after them so that I can shower/cook/go to work is not doing me a favour.
   
   
3. Please stop swearing at other drivers when the DSs are in the back of the car. Hearing DS1 repeat 'ucking 'unt was not funny (well only a little bit).
   
   
4. When DS2 has done a poo, please change his nappy. Don't ignore it so that it gives him nappy rash in the hope that I notice it first.
   
   
5. Doing the bins every Monday night takes five minutes. It does not justify the song and dance you make over it every week.
   
   There's much more but I'm tired and am going to sleep now. But not before peeling you off the sofa and dragging you upstairs so that you don't wake me up in two hours' time thudding into bed with your shoes on.
   
   Lots of love
   ttalloo

[colditz]

Dear Dp.

No. Not even if I am really relaxed, not even with lots of lube, not even if you promise never to mention it again, it is not the natural progression of snuggly early morning spooning. the answer is no, it's always going to be no.

I love you.

X

[CardyMow]

Dear DP, when I am busy doing the 40,000 other loads of washing that appear each week, and you turn around to me on a Friday night asking for your work clothes to be washed, knowing full well that I have 3 loads of school uniform to wash every weekend, please expect to get told that if you touch my washing machine on a Saturday or Sunday I will remove certain parts of your anatomy. I have told you for the last 12 years an awful lot that you have from Monday morning to Friday lunchtime to get your one wash a week on.
When you do the washing up for me, while the thought is nice, if you leave dried-on, crusty bits of food on the crockery/utensils/cutlery, I will moan because it means me having to do it again.
Please do not moan at me that you have no clean socks when you seem to hide them in random places around the house. If I don't go hunting for a 6 year olds' socks, I'm not hunting for a 35 year olds' socks.

Yours lovingly, Loudlass

[fatheadsgirl]

Dear DP,

Please do not greet me in nothing but your birthday suit demanding to know the whereabouts of your pants and then huff and puff when I reply with an indepth description of how the washing machine works......on the same note do not tell me that the washing basket is full - I know and I'm guessing by your comment that you too have noticed.

Do not when i'm knee deep in washing,whilst trying to do dinner, get ready for work come and tell me that DD needs her bum wiping - you're more than capable.

Do not interupt my bath to come and have a poo and a conversation.

Mostly though you are quite fantabulous

Love the moaning cow you live with x x

[poorbuthappy]

Dear Mr PBH

I do love you but...

1. sunshine is not an excuse to want a shag as soon as the kids are either asleep/out of the house. Chances are if you've had it within the last 36 hours you may have to wait another 36 hours.
   
   
2. a vague hint of sunshine does not give you the right to disappear into the garden for 4 hours before the birthday party is due to start at 12, to potter, water, and generally do stuff when I have 3 kids to amuse (2 who are only just walking so need constant attention in the garden), get ready, and get myself ready, and tidy up, and peg washing out etc etc...for you to then swan into the house at 11.45 and ask if I need any help when you can quite clearly see that we are all ready to go and are actually sat in the car waiting for you to get washed and changed.
   
   
3. I know I don't clean the bathroom as often as i should... but if I did clean it every day would you insist on shaving your head and trimming your stubble every day too? Why do you only do it when I clean the bathroom??
   
   Love you lots...
   
   Mrs PBH

[floweryblue]

Dear Mr Flower,

You are in almost every way perfect.

Your insistance that only you are capable of loading the dishwasher correctly is a joy as it absolves me of all responsibility in that area.

I also appreciate that the hoover has to be dismantled at all times so that I can never use it.

You are brilliant at fixing/making things for me (and all my family). You do almost everything I ask you to do without complaint and I should really appreciate you far more than I do.

But...if you do make the dinner I would be grateful if you could remember that I don't like chilli, or packet sauces, and I don't want sausage or bacon or oven chips every time (or ever, as previously discussed).

I realise that I am being selfish and unreasonable asking you to make the dinner at all, given all the other work you do. But when your children stay with us, let's be fair, who feeds them properly?

I also like to eat at a reasonable hour. I understand that you work really hard (even though at the moment you are earning very little money, and that's not your fault) but so do I (and I earn even less!). It would make life easier if you could look at a clock now and again.

Also, if you must set the timer on the oven, maybe attempting to be in range of the beeper (or my gentle acknowledgement of the beeper) would be helpful.

These are such tiny matters given all the areas in which you give me due consideration that I feel bad even mentioning them, they do however drive me nuts on a daily basis.

lots of love,
Ms Flower (OK so the Ms is another story)

PS Just because it's sunny, doesn't mean I have suddenly got the urge to go rock/cliff climbing or overcome my vertigo.

[pingviner]

dear mr pingviner

you are utterly lovely and get all the big things in life right
but there are more descriptions in the world than 'fine' or 'ok'
and most peoples emotional range extends beyond 'alright'or 'tired'
not all greens are green, you cant just put clothing items together because 'well, its green isnt it' Ds looked like a peculiarly mismatched lime and jade cabbage....

and can you get rid of those bloody speakers please please please
i dont care how expensive they were, or that they go up to 11
they are ugly, clutter up the bedroom and by the time you ever set them up will be completely obsolete
so you might as well sell them before they do

btw I know exactly what youre going to say in reply and it involves use of the dishwasher

lol

[jurisfictionoperative]

Dear mr jurisdiction.. I love you to pieces, and really appreciate all the lovely housework you take it upon yourself to do when I am trying to relax in the evening, but, when you ignore dishwasher and do the dishes by hand, please then dry them and put them away, and remember, saucepans are not self cleaning.
Please lover, edges and corners need hoovering too.
Sweetie, the rocking chair in the dining room, and the footstool aren't extensions of our wardrobe.
And beloved, please bear in mind, I am able to do anything else, when you leave me at home with the kids. It's not an excuse to do nothing.
My dearest angel, who I love more than life itself.. If you could see your way clear to doing ANY of those little jobs that men are meant to be good at, and to leave all my little jobs alone. That would make my life complete.
Your dearest partner, mrs jurisfiction.

P.s, I am not sleeping, when I retire to bed after a general anaesthetic, I am in a drug enduced stupor.
Any attempts to check if I am still alive, breathing, would like a cup of tea, or am in need of sustenance after 16 hours without food, would be gratefully recieved. Xoxoxox

[displayuntilbestbefore]

Dear MrDisplay,

You are a wonderful man, make my heart sing and all that bollocks but when we are together and the DCs are running amok, could you at least consider being the one who reacts to any hitting/crying/bashing/fingers in plug sockets/cries for food etc rather than it always falling to me to actually do something about something?
Just a thought.

Oh and please turn off the PS3 because I'm feeling fruity

yours, Mrs Display
kissy kissy hearts and all that

[LilRedWG]

Dear Mr LilRedWG,

I love you dearly, BUT if you continue to say, "I don't suppose you fancy ironing my shirt/getting up early on Saturday and taking DD to ballet/etc, etc", I will continue to say, "No, I don't fancy it thanks". If you want me to do something, blood well ask me to! Grr.

Other than that, you are pretty fabulous. xx

[PassMeTheKleenex]

Oh yes - please don't leave your keys/phone/coins in a pile on the kitchen surface that you know I will have to clean. You also know I will put them into the plastic tub I put on the said surface especially for these items, so don't moan when I do. At least you will be able to find them.

[PassMeTheKleenex]

Dear Mr Kleenex

I know I am quite lazy myself (no cooking/gardening/DIY going on here), so I can't really complain too much. However, you know the following drive me insane, so could you see your way to addressing one or two of these points?!

• your shoes should go on the shoe rack please (even DS, age 3, gets annoyed that you don't do it - and I cleared space especially for you!!)

• DON'T PUT DIRTY TEASPOONS ON THE KITCHEN SURFACE I HAVE JUST CLEANED. Especially when the dishwasher is empty

• if you must take your socks off the second you walk in the door, please don't just drop them where you stand. One day I will live up to my promise to collect them all in a bin bag and throw them away

• I really don't mind doing all the washing & putting 95% of the laundry away...but can you stretch to putting your own clothes in your own cupboard, rather than leaving them on the floor to get walked on, therefore rendering the ironing pointless

• Why do you have to use kitchen roll to blow your nose when there are perfectly good boxes of - ahem - Kleenex for your nose-wiping pleasure? More to the point, why do you have to leave them on every surface in the bedroom for me to collect up & bin? It's gross.

There might be more, but these are the ones that spring to mind.

Thank you
Mrs Kleenex

[PiratePrincess]

Dear DH

You are absolutely wonderful with the DC's, they are so lucky to have you. However, sometimes I do not feel quite so lucky for the following reasons:

1. For the love of God, when you're working from home it would take 2 minutes max to put on a wash. And when it's finished, please hang it over the radiators (as you have the heating on all day!)

1. No - I don't know where it is. Or where you put it. Or where you left it. Or where I last saw it. And nor do I care.

1. When my friends are talking to me on the phone, they are not talking to you too. Please shut up.

I would, however, like to say a huge thank you for losing weight so you only woke me up once last night with your snoring

Your PP xx

[NathanBarley]

My ever loving husband,

No, I don't know who that woman on tv (with blonde hair and big bazoongas) is.

No, that's not brad Pitt in the background at the queen vic, it's really not.

When you've spent 3 hours making a delicious risotto with v expensive ingredients, don't add shitey White wine at the end, making it taste like post-nightclub vomit. Or if you do, don't sulk when I am not keen on eating it.

Oh, and your watch is in the bathroom where you left it. Yes it is.

[TitsalinaBumsquash]

Dearest DP

I think your fab in general but would like you to note the following....

If im am not cooking it doesnt mean you have to starve, the thing in the Kitchen that gets very hot is called a cooker....... use it.

If i say to you when you ask that im fine, please dont ask me a further 5096978584 times just to check.

If you dont want the children touching you xbox/playstation/wii then please dont take it apart on the lounge floor when they are still awake.

Thats all for now!

Your ever loving Tits.

[silverten]

Dear DH,

You are indeed fantastic and I am very lucky to be married to someone as kind, thoughtful, supportive, practical and house-trained as you. I am probably not quite as good a wife as you are a husband.

However:

Please put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, instead of leaving them scattered gaily about the house. Then we will have clean cups for our morning tea, as I will remember to switch it on last thing at night, and empty it while I'm making your brew. I know you think the presence of clean dishes is magic- it is not, it is me at 6am.

Please throw that stupid bit of plastic from the top of the milk bottle in the bin, instead of leaving it sticky-side down on the worktop.

When you have finished your tasty breakfast toast, please put the bread back in the bin, without the buttery knife, please, and the milk back in the fridge. Then it won't cook in the heat of the sun shining through the kitchen windows while we are at work. Also please wipe the crumbs up. You know I hate crumbs with a passion.

When cooking, I don't mind if you use the entire kitchen's equipment. I do mind, however, if the effort of producing such culinary delights exhausts you so much that you are rendered incapable of clearing up after you eat and leave the entire bomb-site for me to deal with whilst making the morning tea. If this is too difficult, please make boiled eggs instead (nb see note on toast above).

I file paperwork more often and more consistently than you do. I am not perfect in this respect but at least I maintain only one 'miscellaneous' pile which serves as the source of everything bill-like that I cannot immediately locate. Therefore, when you have decided to have a clear out, please don't place a huge pile of things needing to be filed on my desk with a martyred air, as if to imply that I am a clerical slattern.

Your slippers are on the shoe rack. Where the shoes live. This has been the answer to the question 'Where are my slippers?' for the last thirteen years.

Yours,

Beloved Wifey

[swiftyknickers]

that meant to say dont leave them on the side!!

[swiftyknickers]

OMGG pan, are we married to the same man???!

Dear DH, I adore you and you work v hard for our family BUT...can you please not tidy the kkitchen drawers once a week and say that is 'housework'...no its bloody not.

Equally if I have put letters in the drawers where I know the contents (like bank statements) leave them on the side for me to open just because you want to know whats in them.......Gggggggr

when you start painting a room, if you could finish it within say...3 years it would be appreciated!

as you were!!

[tatt]

Dear DH

At the bottom of the toaster is a pull out tray. Please pull it out sometimes and empty it into the recycling box.

When the printer is running out of ink you could order some new, not ask me to do it. Sometimes I am so tired of having total responsibility for everything.

[SheDancesTheFlamingo]

Lovin' this thread (even tho' I only just discovered it)...

Dear DH
The fact that I bought you nice boxer shorts is an expression of my affection for you.
HOWEVER...no matter how you spin it, insisting on wearing the very same pants for days until they could probably walk themselves to the laundry basket, cannot, under any circumstances, be interpreted as an act of gratitude or appreciation for my generosity.
["ew" emoticon]

[fishtankbrain]

Dear Mr Fishtankbrain,

You are indeed marvellous in many respects and the fact that your work on the veggie garden means that we are self sufficient in veg for the whole summer absolves you of many things. However, you may find the following points helpful:

1. The letters addressed to you that are left in the middle of the otherwise empty kitchen table for when you come home from work are left there by me for you to open, not as some kind of strange avant-garde table ornaments.

1. Putting things near where they should go is not as good as putting them where they should go. In fact, it's probably worse than simply leaving them alone.

1. The fridge is designed for food. It is not an expensive storage device for empty cartons. Neither is the worktop next to the fridge. You may be confusing both with the bin which the cylindrical shiny object in the corner of the kitchen.

Ta.

Fishtankbrain

[chegirl]

Darling man,

When I say 'can we all pitch in and give the house a going over'

This is NOT a signal for you to go and tidy up your sock drawer.

I appreciate that you love your games consul [possibly more than you love me] but MUST you settle down to try and clock a new game the moment you get home with it, regardless of time of day? Buying a new game is not the same as breaking your leg, it does NOT excuse you from the school run.

Mwah

[HerHonesty]

Dear DH,

You are so kind and considerate. Shrinking all my washing so DD has a lovely wardrobe was such a good idea, i wouldnt have thought of it. However, I am not sure dd really appreciates the finer qualities of cashmere, so please just stick to shrinking the tesco's stuff,

many thanks..

[Themasterandmargaritas]

Dear dh

What a great husband and daddy you truly are. However singing Christmas songs in the shower with the dc has to stop. It's only June for heavens sake. Also please note that Away in A Manger was not designed to be sung in rounds.

your loving wife.

PS - And yes, I do know everything.

[wombleprincess]

Dear DH

the laundry, ironing, washing, cleaning, cooking pixies have gone on sabatical.

unfortunately john lewis had sold out of self stocking fridges by the time i got there.

if you eat your daughters food, she has nothing to eat.

Nadine