Dear Husband (or Wife)... Just a quick note to let you know:

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

We do not need two of everything, including tiny dustpan and brush for sweeping crumbs off the table, which you (and certainly I) never do.

Nor do we need fifteen different varieties of coolbag.

That spare car battery you left in the utility room has caught my ankles so many times I would throw it through the window. If only I could lift the damn thing.

I know you need a shed, but must you live in it?

Teaching the three boys to burp God Save the Queen is not going to go down particularly well at Cubs.

Nor is armpit-farting.

Nor normal farting, at will, for that matter. Yes, I know I do it. But not to a chorus of masculine approval at the level of vibration, volume and reverberation.

I would like you occasionally to try a Paul Smith shirt even though you think James May looks like a girl. Dad-wear from Tesco is getting a bit tedious.

And by the way, I have set up an Amazon gift list for a reason. I do not expect you - as I have posted here many times - to come back from Tesco the night before my birthday with another Top Gear DVD.

Thanks

[GColdtimer]

nickytwotimes, are you married to my DH?

[YanknCock]

Bumperlicioso, that is eerie....my DH does the same exact thing with the milk foil, but last time I brought it up he pointed to the sparkling clean kitchen with all washing up done, as if to say 'how can you complain?'.

Your DH's name doesn't start with J does it?

[nickytwotimes]

Lol, twofalls.

Perhaps he is a bigamist?

[Winebeforepearls]

Dear DH

I love you very much and you are fantastic with the dcs/washing up/my hormones/my family. But I have waited almost 40 years to own a house of my our own and I would rather have empty windows until I'm 50 than hang the curtains that your mother made (for much smaller windows) some time in the late 50s and which you have carefully stored for 15 years along with 3 broken toasters, 2 defunct washing machines, the empty boxes from every other item you ever bought and your mother's war-time store of Sunlight Soap.

There is a reason ebay/freecycle/skips were invented and I believe these illustrate this perfectly.

Your loving wife WBP

[whomovedmychocolate]

Darling Husband

While you are clearly an upgrade on husband number 1, it does seem that you have some further development opportunities which I would like to bring to your attention.

(1) That space by the side of the sink where you dump cups and plates, has beneath it, a wonderful world of manly chrome and spinning arms. It is, my dear a dishwasher, it's amazing. You put the dirty crocks in it and they become clean. This of it like an engine for cups.

(2) It is extremely thoughtful of you to wash and dry the clothes. However might I suggest that it might reduce ironing time if when things are taken out the dryer they are gently draped or perchance slightly folded rather than crushed into the basket.

(3) For the love of all that is shiny, can I please point out that saying 'I'm really tired' and demonstrating this by falling asleep on the sofa, then staying up till 1am on the Internet is actually quite fecking irritating.

Thank you!

[GColdtimer]

maybe nicky but thinking about it, not sure he could keep it to himself, what with all that expressing every thought

perhaps he has a twin......

[AlistairSim]

Dear DP,

I don't really think you are a rancid lump of rotting man-flesh.

I have a touch of pmt.

Love Alistair.

[MrsMerryHenry]

Dear MrMerryHenry

I strongly suspect that you are married to mrsbabookaloo, as surely no two men could have the same approach to dishcloth 'hygiene'. What's the penalty for bigamy these days? Can't be as fearsome as the wrath of a woman facing yet another mouldy dishcloth.

Yours suspiciously,

MMH

[nickytwotimes]

Yes, that's true, twofalls.

My husband is incapable of keeping anything to himself.

He is like Chandler; "I tell people things so they will like me!" Poor souls.

Quite wearing at times...

[serin]

Dear DH,

Whilst I respect that you are a vegetarian, I really don't think that egg and chips every night constitutes a balanced diet, just try a lentil......

[twoluvlykids]

Dearest Mrtwoluvlykids,

You have been a fab dh and Dad while I've been moaning about my bad back, and the trek to and from Tesco is done without complaint.

However, scraping the dog fur off the carpet with the edge of your trainer does not have the desired effect if it's left in a fluffy pile for everyone to re-tread back into the carpet.

The hoover lives in the cupboard, and, much like the dog, it does not bite......

[Bumperlicioso]

That would be my DH's exact reaction YanknCock! No his name doesn't begin with J, but if it wasn't for the fact that I think he can barely cope with one wife I might be worried that he was leading another life

[whomovedmychocolate]

Dear DH

I just want to know - since you don't eat any fruit and begudgingly eat one bit of carrot per week - why you need to spend an hour a day shitting in the loo? Are you a secret All Bran fan?

[happywomble]

Dear Mr Womble

Its lovely that you do washing (even if we have different ways of sorting the clothes), bake bread load the dishwasher etc.

But why do you never wipe the kitchen surfaces?

And why do you always fill the kitchen bin to overflowing and not empty it?

Why do you never hear your alarm clock at 5:50am every day?

Why do you have boxes of books under the bed that you will never read but can't part with?

Other than that you are a lovely womble

[northernmonkey]

Dear mr southern fairy (dh)

I love you very much and you are a wonderful dh but i would like you to finish a diy job once started. i know i joked last january, that is 2008, that the dc's bedrooms will be finished by christmas 2009, i did not mean this literally. Also after gutting the bathroom this january i hope that you are not taking the same time scale.
In order to help you with your diy jobs, yes i have enrolled on a womens only diy course (which means we cant do this together) which does not mean you have to start all other jobs for me to finish.
If you would like to help then maybe you could take a few cookery lessons and learn to cook other things than just beans on toast as this is fine as a one off but not every night whilst i'm away
Love you very much
Your northernmonkey

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

Oh good effort!

And rofl at the no fibre but shitting for hours business. That must be a genetic man thing.

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

And inspired by MrWMMC

Dear MrLupus

Nope. Meat does not count as two of your five a day.

xx

[Flower3545]

Dearest Dh,

Whilst you are, always have been and always will be the love of my life will you please stop sitting on the bed at 5.15am to put your socks on!

I don't, at the moment, have to be up at this ungodly hour and the bouncing/grunting/sighing is doing my head in.

Oh and for gods sake no-one needs to put lypsyl on every single time they leave the house.

Oh and please leave the downstairs loo door open when you go out to work, I can't breathe when I come down at 7am and open the door

love
Flower xxx

[bradsmissus]

Dear Brad

I love you dearly but really, do you need a garage, a shed AND a workshop so crammed full of crap that you can't find a screwdriver when you need one?

And although I do love the fact that you do all the laundry, if you folded it when you got it off the line, it wouldn't need to be ironed. (Ironing is not part of the laundry process apparently!)

And finally, he's 4 - he does NOT understand the concept of sitting through "how it's made" on the discovery/science/whatever chanel without speaking!

Love you loads.

Missus!x

[Poledra]

Dear Belgarath (DH)

While you are undoubtedly a wonderful husband and father, I wonder if you could please stop leaving the lid to the toothpaste carefully balanced on the hot tap every morning? Taking clean dishes out of the dishwasher and leaving them on the worktop above (or below) the cupboard in which they belong is, technically, emptying the dishwasher but doesn't really fulfil the spirit of the task, now does it? And telling me that you didn't hear the DCs crying through the night is entirely superfluous, as I already know I had to get up every time.

Finally, can I please get someone in to decorate DD1's bedroom? I know you could do it yourself but you work very hard at your job and consequently, we have the money to pay someone else to do it for us. Please.

Love
Poledra

[mrsbabookaloo]

MrMerryHenry: Am wondering which is worse; you being a bigamist or this cloth thing being a General Trait....

WMMC:how I hear you about falling asleep on sofa at 8:30 and then staying up stupidly late...FGS, come to bed earlier, mrbabookaloo!

[MrsTittleMouse]

Dear DH,

You are completely lovely, and there is no way that I could have considered DD2 without your fantastic help with DD1 and the house.

I am very reluctant to discourage you, therefore, from your wonderful cleaning and tidying efforts. But it would be great if you didn't suddenly decide to clean the kitchen floor when we are already late to visit friends and both DDs need a nappy change. Or when I have made a real effort with dinner, which is now getting cold.

Thank you very much for your attention in this matter,

Mrs TittleMouse

[travellingwilbury]

Dear H

Is it at all possible that you could manage to look after your two delightful children AND manage to wash up at the same time ? I know it is difficult to get anything done when they are in the same house but what on earth do you think I do all week ?

Do you know that the thing you leave your dirty closes beside / on actually has a lid that can be moved and the stinky clothes fit very nicely inside ?

Also a new wall in the garden that will take you months to make is not more important than redecorating our bedroom .

Thank you

Your lovely wife tw

[Blackduck]

Dear DP,

You are, I will admit, a star, however, there are a few areas that you could work on...

If things are on the stairs at the bottom they are to go up. If things are on the stairs at the top they are to go down. Doing your sherpa tensing impression and climbing over them does not make them go away.

When taking cups (numerous) from the office could you get them as far as the kitchen? (as far as I am aware we don't have a sink in our bedroom) and even better as far as the sink? I know its two extra paces but think of the exercise.

When I'm a hungover tired on a Saturday have the grace to take ds swimming without sulking. I NEVER make you go to Wacky Warehouse so you owe me this one.

I know I am breaking an illusion here, but there IS no laundry fairy.

Towels belong on the towel rail (novel I know)

Big hungs and kisses
Blackduck..

[Poledra]

PS It is generally obvious that, at 6pm, I am busy making the dinner. We generally eat at about 6.30pm. Do you think you could perhaps schedule a wee in at about oh 6.15-ish, rather than wait till I say the dinner's on the table then go to the toilet? Thanks!