Dear Husband (or Wife)... Just a quick note to let you know:

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

We do not need two of everything, including tiny dustpan and brush for sweeping crumbs off the table, which you (and certainly I) never do.

Nor do we need fifteen different varieties of coolbag.

That spare car battery you left in the utility room has caught my ankles so many times I would throw it through the window. If only I could lift the damn thing.

I know you need a shed, but must you live in it?

Teaching the three boys to burp God Save the Queen is not going to go down particularly well at Cubs.

Nor is armpit-farting.

Nor normal farting, at will, for that matter. Yes, I know I do it. But not to a chorus of masculine approval at the level of vibration, volume and reverberation.

I would like you occasionally to try a Paul Smith shirt even though you think James May looks like a girl. Dad-wear from Tesco is getting a bit tedious.

And by the way, I have set up an Amazon gift list for a reason. I do not expect you - as I have posted here many times - to come back from Tesco the night before my birthday with another Top Gear DVD.

Thanks

Darling,

Just cos Miranda said 'can't we just get it over with?' in the SATC film because they had to get up in 3 hours, doesn't mean this can be applied as a general principle in lieu of all women's feelings about sex

Ta.

LL x

Dear Husband

Not talking for an entire day is going to make me inflict physical pain on you if you ever ever choose to do it again for absolutely no reason.

Do not ever whine about "never seeing the girls" and then refuse to even speak to them because you feel the need (not in a hungover way) to lie on the sofa and lapse in and out of conciousness. Lying there sleeping whilst they cover the floor in bits of "Puppy In My Pocket" is not "playing with them".

I am 8 weeks pregnant. I am tired and I feel nauseous. YOU DO NOT NEED TO COMPETE WITH ME ON THIS - trust me, you are NOT more tired than me. Going to bed at 10pm is not actually "wrong" and so I do NOT need humped at every time I do it.

You have 2.5 hours by yourself every sunday morning. If you "want to be quiet sometimes" that is the time to do it. Its a darn sight more time to yourself than I have had in the last 5.5 years.

Lying on your back snoring is not nice. Roll over for pity's sake.

Dear Mr. Quinn,

You are simply wonderful, but please we have a shoe rack for a reason, I am getting fed up of tripping over your work shoes in our narrow hallway every morning.

Saying "Ive done the dishes" or " Ive hoovered" then staring at me expectantly, will not earn you a sticker nor does it mean that you do not need to do any other housework during the week.

Love,

Harley

xx

Dear Darling MrWizz

You are lovely and gorgeous and I love you very much.

I never nag you because I have learned to live with your little foibles like how you never rinse the bath out and you always leave dribbles of wee on the floor, you never do any washing or clean the kitchen sink and you never change the bed sheets. But your cooking is delicious and you do do some tidying. But do not think you can nag at me because for ONE day, when you were working I hadn't loaded the dishwasher by the time you got home and hadn't tidied DS's toys away - because I decided that spending time getting a new mortgage that took ages was more important. You do not deserve a fuckin medal just because you sometimes manage to do this when you are at home and I am working. [still annoyed emoticon].

HarleyQuinn: The SHOE RACK!! Yes!

Dear MrW,

Love you dearly but in seventeen years of marriage perhaps you would have learnt by now that:

1. I don't like kebab and asking me repeatedly to 'just try it' when you've come in a few sheets to the wind will not change my mind

1. Don't say you will be home no later than 11.30 when I know you'll be falling in about 3am...

1. When you fart in bed ? don't waft the covers about so we can 'share' it.

Yours, MrsW

Mrsbabookaloo - Glad Im not the only one!

Wow - I thought it was just my DH who decided to take a shower/go to the bathroom/read an article etc either 5 mins before or just when dinner was ready, despite regular countdowns, allowing our dinner to get cold!!

Dear Dh,
It is not acceptable to take children out of school on holiday during term time.

Pulling back curtains properly and plumping cushions is not really that hard.

You clean the toilet if you leave skids behind.

Snorting in the shower and leaving your nose contents behind is not acceptable.

You have a diary on your blackberry, kindly use it and stop using me as a secretary.

Do not leave your work id card, wallet and car keys on the hall console table, there is a drawer in it for you to use - do so.

Do not leave your laptop in the middle of the floor.

Kitchen surfaces need to be wiped behind the kettle and toaster too.

The sink needs a clean and anything not flushed away picked out of the plug every time you use it.

I am sure there are more..............

This has to go in MN classics - PMSL
(and recognise a scary amount of these...)

Blimey Fimbo....don't think I'd last long as your dh!!

Jackstini, yes, this needs to be taken out of chat so we won't lose it. I think LupusinaLlamasuit needs to request to move it.

Dear Mr OSOTF

I am afraid I have to take you to task for your definition of having 'sorted the ironing backlog'
In my innocence I was expecting to go upstairs and find it all done - imagine my pissed off expression delight at finding you had actually bought me an extra laundry basket so (and I quote) 'you don't need to worry about the unironed clothes overflowing now'

Also, turning the shower on full blast and letting it run for 30 seconds does not clean the bath - in the same way swilling the sink with water after you have shaved does not clean it.

dear DH

Please put the knives and forks the right way round in the cutlery drawer and please do not keep putting empty drinks cartons in the fridge

also WHY do you feel the need to put the milk from the fridge down RIGHT IN THE PILE OF TOAST CRUMBS NEXT TO THE BREAD BOARD AND LEAVE WET TEA SPOONS ON THE SIDE TO STICK IN A PUDDLE OF GOO INSTEAD OF PUTTING THEM IN THE SINK

dw XX

Dear Mr CSD

I realise that you are a much tidier person than me. I try very hard to match your high standards in this area. Do you think that reading the following fact might make more of a difference to your method of washing up than me saying it everytime I see you standing at the sink?

Swilling the dirty items left in the sink in lukewarm, greasy washing up water, then plonking them on top of clean, rinsed items drying on the draining board does not constitute washing up. It does make 3 times as much work for me, because I then have to run a bowl of hot water and washing up liquid, wash and rinse all and place them back on the drainer to dry.

Yours affectionately
CSM

ps Sometimes, when I'm knackered, I just put things you've washed up away, but I make damn sure the kids & I don't eat/drink from them.

ROFL at MrOTOSOTF

I have a similar one:

MrLupus,

When the laundry basket is breeding, the eco-friendly, anti-child-labour solution is NOT to go buy a whole new summer wardrobe from Tesco.

Thanks...

LL x

MrsB

That's why threads like this are great! . I inwardly seeth and don't say anything.

Dear DH

Thank you for putting up with me and my foibles for all these years.

In a totally selfless act of sharing and openness can I just point out the following -

1. When I am driving and ask which way you want to go to our destination and where we should park, do not say you don't care and then, 5 minutes later tell me that you wouldn't have gone the way I have chosen, that I have taken the long way round and that you don't like the car park and prefer the one up the road. If you feel that strongly tell me when I ask!

1. If stuff comes out of the dishwasher dirty, please do not put it back in the cupboard. Put it back in the dishwasher, or if it has already been through the process twice, accept it is not going to get clean unless you wash it.

1. Maybe you just fancy a change, I don't know, but after 5 years of putting crockery away in a particular way in the cupboard, so that it fits and you can get to stuff easily, please don't start putting everything away in a different place.

And finally,

1. after nearly 16years of marriage, and admittedly several years of satisfactory tea making performance, could you please remember how I like it?! I do not like it weak and milky nor do I like builders tea, somewhere in the middle would be absolutely lovely.

Thank you.

Love

Niecie xx

P.S. There is one more - when we are out as a family or on holiday could you please, just once not start tapping away on your Blackberry the second my back is turned. You are not a member of the emergency services, you do not have to be on 24 hours call and what you do is not a matter of life or death. You are an accountant. xxx

Niecie- lmao@ life or death accountant!

DP

Come out, come out, where ever you are. I can't seem to find you

DH
Stop getting annoyed that you are always ready to go out first, and I keep you all waiting.
While you were "waiting" I have made sure the kids have brushed teeth and hair and washed faces, and wearing vaguely suitable clothing.

Dear Mr Whyme
For your information,

Under the bed is NOT the top of the laundry chute.
There are 6 people in this house, if you drink all the milk at night I will drink all the beer.
Is not beyond your capabilities to put something away after yourself, ie, towels on hook, tablets in cupboard, keys on hook, rubbish in bin, power washer in shed, shoes in wardrobe, etc.
Doing a supermarket shop does not mean buying everything that is on offer/shortdated so that all I have to make a meal with is a broken box of cous cous, 16 scotch eggs and 4 packets of jammy dodgers,
Thank you for your time.

Mrs Whyme2

Dear DP,

• if you must have a "floordrobe" can you at least seperate it from your "floor laundry" pile so I don't have the painful dilemma of doing twice the amount of washing Vs having to examine your clothes for evidence of wear.

• can you please use the toilet brush provided instead of pouring half a litre of bleach over your skidmarks in the hopes it will melt them away without you having to touch anything. If you hated poo that much you wouldn't sit in a cloud of your own stink for an hour playing games on your iPhone.

Dear dh,

please flush the toilet after use, and make sure all poo has gone down,

thankyou for doing laundry, but please read wash labels

the landing and banister outside the bathroom is not an acceptable towel rail or clothes horse.

yes your farts stink and you snore too loud, and I understand you can't help it, but why look so pleased about it

when I am on MY laptop, stop changing my pages just to look at play.com and amazon. It is very annyoying. Also stop setting the email account on ahem MY LAPTOP to your email account.

why do you buy so many packs of kitchen towells and crap?