Why did you block off the drainage in the garden with concrete just so you could engrave your names and the year you moved in. I am sure it was ver romantic but it caused the fecking house to flood everytime it rained.
Why was the ugly mahogany bed built into both the walls and the even uglier wardrobes so we could not put our own bed in without demolishing the whole bloody thing? Why didn't you tell the bloody bed was built in when you heard us talking about our lovely bed that we couldn't wait to put in that room. Oh, and why were both the lamps and the clock radio also built into the wall so they could not ever be removed or even unplugged. WHY???
Why did you hide the lack of oven door with a cleverly draped tea towel when we came to look at the house? We only discovered this when we actually moved in and went to cook dinner. Oh and why didn't you tell me the oven was on its last legs and only one of the hobs worked?
Why, oh why was the interior the shower made partly of wood. Wood ROTS you stupid stupid idiots? Especially when wet.
What gave you the idea to put brown long pile carpet in the hallway with mint green woodchip walls? Was like a giant mint choc chip icecream and it did not look good ok?
Why did you let your dogs piss all over the carpet in the lounge. When we removed the carpet it was that bad it had rotted the wood underneath?
Why did you never clean your kitchen cupboards so me and a friend had to spend a whole evening scrubbing them to get rid of the brown sticky stains?
What went through your head when you decided to get arty and paint the kitchen cupboards blue with flowers on the handles. After the expense of rest of the house we couldn't afford to replace the kitchen.
Why did you not have any carpet in your DC's room aside from a manky rug. Oh, and why did you leave all their posters behind? Was it perhaps to cover the holes in the walls.
Phew - think thats it. My god I hated those people when I moved in!