I'd like to ask the previous owners of this house what exactly they have against daylight.
Why would anyone put 15W (not energy saving and therefore equivalent to something that will light a room) bulbs in every single light fitting?
Given the dinginess created, why did you think various shades of dark brown was the right decorating choice?
Why would you brick up the window in the kitchen then install a dark wood effect kitchen with black granite worktop and black tiles on both floor and walls? And why would you think that a single 15W bulb in the middle of the ceiling would be sufficient to light it?
Why would you pay for a granite worktop but not ensure that the hob was fitted properly in to it? The hob was fitted so that it was right against the back wall, and was therefore a fire hazard. Because the hole was cut in the wrong place, it meant the whole worktop had to be scrapped.
Why would you think that cupboards hanging off the walls such that you could out your whole arm down the back of them at the top were correctly fitted?
Why would you install a fancy new bathroom but not bother to seal the bath so that water would destroy the kitchen ceiling below?
Why would you decide to self-convert your garage into the most awful room imaginable? And, since you thought that was a good idea, why would you accentuate the slope on the garage floor rather than compensating for it? Why wouldn't you fill in the huge hole under the double glazing unit you fitted which meant that water got under the steeply sloping floor you installed and was rotting it? Obviously we can totally understand why you didn't apply for planning permission or involve building regs in this, as they'd have laughed in your face.
Did you think the gas meter was a design feature for the new 'bedroom' you created? Why would you plats oats over the gas pipes making the whole thing incredibly unsafe? Why would you simply cut a jagged hole in the plasterboard so that the stopcock would stick out?
Why would you leave the double glazing in such a mess that the inside of the glass became etched to the extent to which it became opaque? The neighbours (and everyone else, including us) just thought you were filthy types who never cleaned the windows, but actually you just couldn't see out of them.
Why on earth would you get an architect to draw up plans and then secure planning permission for the world's most ill-advised extension to the bak of the house. It would make the kitchen and the back reception room entirely internal and simply corridors for getting to the really absurdly designed extension. We can totally see why you opted to move rather than to destroy the house entirely by building that yourselves.
Ikea pax wardrobes are really easy to fit. How did you manage to make such an arse of it? Why did you cut out some notches from both wardrobes in the alcoves of the master bedroom so that you could fit a huge radiator on the chimney breast. The chimney breast is a stupid place for a radiator, especially if it's wider than the chimney breast and encroaches into the wardrobe.
Why did you remove the plaster from the wall before fitting the wardrobes in the back bedroom? They would still have fitted with the plaster there and you wouldn't have made such an enormous mess,
Did you think underlay was some kind of unnecessary extravagance and something you could just leave out when getting new carpet?
Why didn't you remove the enormous boxing in constructed out of plywood in the corner of the back bedroom when you fitted a combi boiler and removed the hot water tank it housed? And, more pertinently, why was the only thing to be found inside the huge box a 21st birthday card and two Viagra tablets? Our surveyor laughed.
Did you really think the lion door knocker was tasteful?
So many questions.