Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

[WonderfulSmith]

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

Fingers crossed this post is spotted by a journalist from Reach who will post it to the Snape Maltings Live Facebook page where everyone will identify Alan and/or his wife and we’ll get an answer.

Alan.

share.google/s1m3XKB1Qi2EkObRL Check out this video from this search, alan meme

Such tiresome bullshit

Team Alan here

I like the table

Good grief, hideous and exoensive

I wonder why he sat on the sofa.

I mean, I had a wee Alan moment recently. I saw something we need but far more expensive than we'd usually buy. I knew DH would dissuade me but I saw it, I liked it, we had the money and I bought it. But I didn't then have a sit down so we couldn't go home.

I mean, it is an ugly table but I smell a man who has never been allowed to have the final say on anything decor wise and finally thought "Fuck you".

My mother is like this about her and my fathers house. Every single item in that house has to be agreed by her and if she vetoes it, tough.

My father loves original art, but she doesnt. She likes twee naff stuff. Guess what is on the walls? If he does attempt to put his foot down then it magically gets put into his office or his bedroom (they sleep seperately) rather than in the main part of the house.

I can completely see her reacting like this to a random table. She wouldnt do it in public, but that shit would run for WEEKS until it ended up in the loft, like everything else she doesnt approve of that my father loves.

ETA.........the fact that it is his money paying makes no difference. She once insisted he pay for someone to repaint the hall. She didnt like the colour SHE CHOSE, so made him pay for it be repainted in (to everyone elses eyes) the same fucking colour. Frankly, losing sympathy for father as he gives in each time for a quiet life.

I go there for a browse once a month. Sadly all very dull and boring when im there. Bet the poor dog has some stories to tell! Can picture Alan taking it for long solo walks.......😄 Who is going to call the store and put us out of our misery?

New goal, go to Snape Maltings ASAP!
I’m team Alan’s wife. After all, she was generous enough to share her private business so we could all take sides and judge.

Also I don’t like the table.

😂

I have a very nice candlestick AND candle from Snape Maltings which was a gift from someone who loves going there. I can imagine the shop, though I must say those tables rather took me by surprise. I'm Team Alan though not Team Table.

Don worry, I very much get it!!

My DH is called Alan and occasionally will be on the receiving end of a chorus of “Alan. Alan. Al. Alan” “Steve. Steve. Steve.” My family and I find it hilarious. DH just rolls his eyes. 🤣

OMG it's ghastly.

#TeamAlansWife

There a Hepworth and a Moore there.

#TeamAlan

It's full of second home owners round there (used to live in a more dreary town nearby). Maybe he gets to decide on decor in the second home? Or the shepherd's hut?

A Table at Snape Maltings
(A Domestic Ode in Minor Key)
In Snape Maltings, under skies so wide,
Where reeds bow low and herons glide,
Alan strode proud through arts and oak,
A man enchanted, conscience woke.
He saw it there - a table, stout,
Of seasoned ash with iron grout.
It whispered tales of form and grace,
A centerpiece! A rightful place.
The cashier grinned, the deal was done,
No calls were made, no battles won.
He pictured wine, and a cuppa brewed -
The life that perfect purchases mused.
But in the shop, she stood quite still,
Her eyes as sharp as Orford chill.
"Explain this plank," she said, arms crossed,
"And count, dear Alan, what you've lost."
"You bought this thing - alone? No chat?
No sample wood? No schemes to bat?"
She circled it with studied glare,
"The grain's too bold. The leg? Despair!"
"But look," he pled, "the joints, the line!
It called to me - it felt divine!"
"It called to you," she fired back,
"While we are paying off the flat?"
The standoff bloomed by Alde's wide stream,
Where love once hummed like some shared dream.
Now boats went by and tourists slowed,
To watch a marriage near explode.
In this tale of table strife,
Are you #TeamAlan or #TeamWife?

I’ve never heard of Snape maltings so picturing soreen loafs and Alan rickman :/

I need to see these tables.

Oh no. I was team Alan till I saw the table...

I mean I'm sure it's a perfectly nice innocent side table but it is slightly on the ugly side.

The description of that table on the other hand is beautiful 😁

What the hell was he thinking buying a table without consulting her?!?!

#TeamAlansWife

That table is out of stock online, so it looks like Alan won the Battle of Snape Maltings Table 2025.

Reading the description, I am confident that the “ skilled artisans in the vibrant city of Jaipur, Rajasth” will not be getting anywhere close to 150 notes for their hard graft.

Maybe Alan has a problem with buying side tables and this one was the last straw for his wife. I imagine it must be awful being married to a side table addict. Imagine the shame she felt when Janice next door found Alan scrabbling about in her skip in the middle of the night, desperately trying to find the third leg of the table shed thrown away.

It's a great time whilst it lasts but before you know it, the only furniture you have in your house is an assortment of mismatched little tables. I knew a guy with the same problem. He was so desperate for a fix, he brought home a side table that had been chucked in the road, been pissed on by all the neighbourhood cats and started to fester!

Ipswich doesn’t give the right vibe - near Aldeburgh. Has a concert hall and music festival every year. The shop was rather naice middle class place last time I was there a few years ago.Aldeburgh is a London weekend home kind of place.

The description puts me even more with his wife:

your piece may display the following characteristics: nail marks, dents, scratches, bore holes, infills and wood filler. Cracks and splits may occur in recycled timber as the wood ages within the home

@FortuneFaded I appreciate your highbrow account of this afternoon’s side table saga but to ensure this epic tale is accessible to everyone, I’ve summarised it in the form of a football chant below. For those in doubt, it should be recited to the tune of “She’ll be coming round the mountain”.

Oh Snape Maltings is the only place to be
For live drama when you’re buying your settee
Alan’s Mrs’ temper’s flaring
But our Alan’s sat declaring
“The side table is still coming home with me!”

He can stick that ugly table up his arse!
He can stick that ugly table up his arse!
To Alan it’s aesthetically pleasing
But it’s left his Mrs seething
Oh he can stick that ugly table up his arse!

Bravo! @gillefc82 I bow to your inclusive ditty. I am armed, should the need ever arise, with a chant to break into if faced with an Alan V Wife live battle.

Which particular shop at Snape Malting was this OP? Because the main building doesn’t allow dogs inside and I know this as my poor DH has spent many hours waiting outside with our own pooch while I go and look at coffee tables and Christmas decorations.