Page 6 | Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

WonderfulSmith · 2025-08-30T21:31:38+00:00

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but… I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate. Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out. When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order? Were any of you there?

LillyPJ · 31/08/2025 07:29

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 23:17

Good call. The problem is that not everything they sell is on the website. It might have been this one shop.snapemaltings.co.uk/collections/coffee-tables-side-tables-and-stools/products/yaxley-round-side-table

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In which case, I'm on her side. Takes up loads of floor space but provides very little table top.

Sowingbees · 31/08/2025 07:31

Ahsheeit · 31/08/2025 00:21

It's not Alan, it's Ste.

(Crawls away hoping someone gets the rather niche joke)

Bear Grylls, what kind of name is that? Are you an animal or a bit of a oven? 😂

LillyPJ · 31/08/2025 07:32

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 02:04

A Table at Snape Maltings
(A Domestic Ode in Minor Key)
In Snape Maltings, under skies so wide,
Where reeds bow low and herons glide,
Alan strode proud through arts and oak,
A man enchanted, conscience woke.
He saw it there - a table, stout,
Of seasoned ash with iron grout.
It whispered tales of form and grace,
A centerpiece! A rightful place.
The cashier grinned, the deal was done,
No calls were made, no battles won.
He pictured wine, and a cuppa brewed -
The life that perfect purchases mused.
But in the shop, she stood quite still,
Her eyes as sharp as Orford chill.
"Explain this plank," she said, arms crossed,
"And count, dear Alan, what you've lost."
"You bought this thing - alone? No chat?
No sample wood? No schemes to bat?"
She circled it with studied glare,
"The grain's too bold. The leg? Despair!"
"But look," he pled, "the joints, the line!
It called to me - it felt divine!"
"It called to you," she fired back,
"While we are paying off the flat?"
The standoff bloomed by Alde's wide stream,
Where love once hummed like some shared dream.
Now boats went by and tourists slowed,
To watch a marriage near explode.
In this tale of table strife,
Are you #TeamAlan or #TeamWife?

Edited

Brilliant!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/08/2025 07:32

Zonder · 30/08/2025 23:55

Nah I'm Team Alan. He's had years of her making all the decisions and just this once he wants a table the right height for his cup of tea, so he doesn't have to just sit holding it all the way through the Sewing Bee (which his wife chooses to watch). I hope he didn't back down this time like he did over the leather reclining armchair last year.

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heldinadream · 31/08/2025 07:33

TheDogsMother · 31/08/2025 07:15

I can picture Toby Jones playing Alan. The ordinariness of his character in The Detectorists mixed with the small man fighting the system in Mr Bates vs The Post Office. Go Alan !!

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Yes! Toby Jones is exactly my mental Alan.
With a particularly snippy and pursed-lipped Olivia Coleman as his Mrs.

Also someone above used the description 'domestic imbroglio', which almost made me swoon with wordy delight, so I think the title of any drama whether TV, cinematic movie, or stage production should be 'Domestic Imbroglio at Snape Maltings'.
I think Tilda Swinton should be in it too - @WonderfulSmith , could Tilda Swinton play you? Are you willowy, chic, enigmatic and a tad weird? Please say yes! 😂

violetcuriosity · 31/08/2025 07:33

I am going to Snape for breakfast this morning 🤣

JustAMiddleAgedDirtBagBaby · 31/08/2025 07:33

Mopsy567 · 31/08/2025 06:36

@FortuneFaded Brilliant! Enjoyed reading that.

I can imagine we will eventually progress to a full blown West End show about Alan and his side table.

Snapped in Snape: the Alan Story

Agreed on Toby Jones as Alan. Alison Steadman as Mrs Alan?

Funderthighs · 31/08/2025 07:39

I have a bucket list of places to visit. Shape Maltings has been added. 😬

finewhat · 31/08/2025 07:41

VanillaSugar2023 · 31/08/2025 07:20

Are you Mrs Alan? What really happened at Snape Maltings?

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That must be it. Clever conclusion. Witty too.

ReceiveIt · 31/08/2025 07:41

One of my clients has that exact same table. I believe she got it from The Range, so less 'skilled artisans of Jaipur' and more 'factory production line in China'. Poor Alan, he could of had a cheaper version and therefore more money to spaff on Christmas decs and glittery stationary.

Sowingbees · 31/08/2025 07:43

finewhat · 31/08/2025 07:41

That must be it. Clever conclusion. Witty too.

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You must be new.

Anyway I still don't really get what Snape Maltings is.

MagnoliaTreeBlossom · 31/08/2025 07:49

Ahsheeit · 31/08/2025 00:21

It's not Alan, it's Ste.

(Crawls away hoping someone gets the rather niche joke)

Allan! Allan! Link to animal voice-over on YouTube.

🤣

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/QrPSjeKdQ0o

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 07:51

finewhat · 31/08/2025 07:17

Weird thread.

No warning. No discussion. None.
This table war had just begun.

They left a comment, subtle, curt:
“Weird thread”,
Finewhat simply said
Then off they went, a little pale,
Still haunted by that table tale.
Yet still tonight, they are bound to peek...
To read Snape Maltings news this week.

onyourway · 31/08/2025 07:57

violetcuriosity · 31/08/2025 07:33

I am going to Snape for breakfast this morning 🤣

Can you ask, on behalf of MN, if Alan got his table? Or if he’s still sitting there hugging anxiously to it?

MyDeftDuck · 31/08/2025 07:59

Are you sure they weren’t filming some sit com? Was there a camera crew lurking around? 😂

ThePinkPoster · 31/08/2025 08:01

Brilliant thread 😁

CarolNoE · 31/08/2025 08:08

jonthebatiste · 30/08/2025 23:04

Now THIS is what MN is for!! I don’t know who Alan is, I don’t know what Snape Maltings is, but I need to know whether Alan prevailed!

Agreed. The one time you want The Daily Mail to trawl MN and pick up the story lol.

PersephoneParlormaid · 31/08/2025 08:09

To be fair, there are nicer tables.

SereneSquirrel · 31/08/2025 08:18

@WonderfulSmith my DP, to whom I have read aloud extended highlights of this thread, asks the approximate age of Alan and Mrs Alan (who he suspects may be called Marjorie), to make sure his mental image of Alan and Marjorie is accurate.

Shelteringfromthestorm · 31/08/2025 08:19

Poor woman. Sounds like she's going through what I am right now. I would have reacted in the same way.

SereneSquirrel · 31/08/2025 08:20

He also Googled the location of Snape Maltings (not being privy to such information because I didn’t include it in my highlights) and is now disappointed that it's 5 hours away so we can't go there this morning.

Clafoutie · 31/08/2025 08:21

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 02:04

A Table at Snape Maltings
(A Domestic Ode in Minor Key)
In Snape Maltings, under skies so wide,
Where reeds bow low and herons glide,
Alan strode proud through arts and oak,
A man enchanted, conscience woke.
He saw it there - a table, stout,
Of seasoned ash with iron grout.
It whispered tales of form and grace,
A centerpiece! A rightful place.
The cashier grinned, the deal was done,
No calls were made, no battles won.
He pictured wine, and a cuppa brewed -
The life that perfect purchases mused.
But in the shop, she stood quite still,
Her eyes as sharp as Orford chill.
"Explain this plank," she said, arms crossed,
"And count, dear Alan, what you've lost."
"You bought this thing - alone? No chat?
No sample wood? No schemes to bat?"
She circled it with studied glare,
"The grain's too bold. The leg? Despair!"
"But look," he pled, "the joints, the line!
It called to me - it felt divine!"
"It called to you," she fired back,
"While we are paying off the flat?"
The standoff bloomed by Alde's wide stream,
Where love once hummed like some shared dream.
Now boats went by and tourists slowed,
To watch a marriage near explode.
In this tale of table strife,
Are you #TeamAlan or #TeamWife?

Edited

This is absolutely brilliant! 😂👏One of the best things I’ve read on MN. This whole thread is creative and comedy gold.

Clawdy · 31/08/2025 08:22

Haven't read all posts so it's probably been mentioned, just wondering how old the couple are, most of the Alans I know are over sixty. So maybe been together a long time, poor Alan!

violetcuriosity · 31/08/2025 08:22

onyourway · 31/08/2025 07:57

Can you ask, on behalf of MN, if Alan got his table? Or if he’s still sitting there hugging anxiously to it?

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😂😂😂 yes I will if I feel brave.

Original poster

WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 08:22

VanillaSugar2023 · 31/08/2025 03:13

Which particular shop at Snape Malting was this OP? Because the main building doesn’t allow dogs inside and I know this as my poor DH has spent many hours waiting outside with our own pooch while I go and look at coffee tables and Christmas decorations.

The main building allows dogs if you carry them. But this was part of the problem. He was in the shop (the main furnitures hall bit), she was standing in the side door with the dog shouting from there. She then picked up the dog and came in to look.

OP posts: