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Original poster

Funniest thing said by a soon-to-be mother about the reality of life with children?

229 replies

emkana · 26/04/2008 22:37

"I will have a two-way baby monitor so that when my newborn wakes up I will calm him down with my voice while remaining downstairs in the living room"

OP posts:
BumperliciousNeedsToSleep · 27/04/2008 16:57

Like brownsuga "I expect I'll spent my maternity leave in the park reading magazines while the baby sleeps in the carry cot..."

I actually did try that once but got so stressed that the sun might be coming through the tree and burning DD, and trying uncomfortably to bf her against a tree and ended up calling DH and wailing down the phone that my life was officially ruined by having a baby as I couldn't do anything anymore!

I also borrowed lots of books to read on my mat leave and haven't read any of them!

AHLH · 27/04/2008 17:10

"My son will only eat organic food" and fair play to said mother he did (cooked in mineral water!) for about 18 months when they went to a buffet party and he was just in reaching height of the trestle tables and stuffed his little face full of crisps, French Fancies and white-bread-and-Kraft-slices butties.

CapricaSix · 27/04/2008 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ellideb · 27/04/2008 17:49

I really don't know what you're all talking about. Do you all have loose morals or something??? I'll have you know I am pregnant with my 1st child and I will naturally succeed in all the areas where you have all failed. It's not that hard to stick to your guns you know. You must follow through with your original ideas, for the sake of your children's development for goodness sake! Goodness knows what state your children are in now! How hard can it be???

Listen up ladies, these are my commandments for when I have my baby. (maybe you should all take a leaf out of my book)

  1. Breast feed only, get latch right and it will be a breeze!
  2. Plenty of visual/mental stimulation in the form of tumble tots/playdays etc.
  3. Organic, home cooked meals only. Never jars.
  4. Never anything containing E's, sugar, additives, sweetners, artificial rubbish.
  5. Limit TV to 1hr a day and make it educational.
  6. Bath, book, bed by 7pm.
  7. When baby sleeps, either tidy house or catch up on zzz's.
  8. Exercise at least 3 times a week.
  9. Reuasable nappies only.
10. Routine and organisation at all times.

There, how hard can that be???

paros · 27/04/2008 18:06

I am a nanny so I had a really good idea of what babies and children could be like but I had never had a newborn . God that was hard . But I stupidly thought that as I was a nanny I would get a child that behaved like that children I had looked after . Like when you ask them to do something they do it . When you ask tham to tidy up thay do it . LOL I was so wrong .

NaughtyNigel · 27/04/2008 18:43

ellideb
I want you back here in exactly a years time so we can watch you eat your (organic) list.

minko · 27/04/2008 19:00

'My children aren't going to have piles of plastic crap (ie toys). They are going to learn about aesthetics and have only wooden toys'. What a pompous arse I was then... she says, wading ankle deep through piles of plastic crap!

OracleInaCoracle · 27/04/2008 19:07

ellideb, i shall assume your post is a joke. if not, see you in 18m!

themildmanneredjanitor · 27/04/2008 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stepfordwife · 27/04/2008 19:14

i will never be a, shudder, SHOUTY mum...
oh yes you will...

Lilymaid · 27/04/2008 19:14

Said by a keen musician "DC will play happily in my cello case whilst we play string quartets"

stepfordwife · 27/04/2008 19:14

..sorry, meant OH YES YOU WILL

HensMum · 27/04/2008 19:15

My friend said something along the lines of "babies cry when they are wet, hungry or in pain. If you sort that out they'll stop crying won't they". I think she underestimated the amount that newborns cry just for the fun of it.

From me - I'm going to breastfeed until baby is one. Lasted 10 weeks.

Blandmum · 27/04/2008 19:22

elliedeb, that is either a piss take or I have one word for you.....Hubris!

Mwhahahahahahahaha

whomovedmychocolate · 27/04/2008 19:29

Oh and I was convinced that I could do something about my flabby post partum upper arms by lifting the baby - surely that would sort out my triceps no problem right?

Oh and all that getting up and down off the floor to change the baby - it's almost exactly the same as a step class!

(When DD was four months old I took to the treadmill, it was the only way I could get half an hour away from here while DH walked up and down the road solemnly with her in a pram wailing at him .)

VivalaDiva · 27/04/2008 19:30

I wrote a two-page birth plan on Word using bullet points and everything and printed out 3 copies. One for me, one for dh and of course one for the midwife. They all went in the bin shortly before the epidural.

OracleInaCoracle · 27/04/2008 19:32

mine too viva. i didnt even consider that it might not go according to plan!

thelittlestbadger · 27/04/2008 19:38

Oh god, Brown Suga's sounds familiar. Last summer lots of - well I'll sit around in the garden with PFB in her pram or breast feeding. I can get loads of reading done .

At least I've stopped saying anything now!

whomovedmychocolate · 27/04/2008 19:40

Viva - mine was similar and the midwife went through it saying 'nope, can't do that sorry, nope, nope, hahah no' for about twenty minutes.

This time round mine says:

  1. Have baby
  2. Have tea and toast
BettySpaghetti · 27/04/2008 19:41

I was always said that I would never use the expressions:

"It will end in tears"

"Because I said so"

(and many similar ones that escape me at the moment)

I eveytime I say them

ScruffyTheCampfireSprayer · 27/04/2008 19:42

"I'm not going to let having a child dictae the decor in my home, they will just learn right from the outset that they are not allowed to touch my things"

rofl

OracleInaCoracle · 27/04/2008 19:44

no child of mine will scribble on the walls!

VictorianSqualor · 27/04/2008 19:53

My best friend isnt close to having a baby but has been ttc for a few months, she is Godmother to DD and will be to DS2 when he is christened, great with children but when DD walked on mud she said her child won't do that, they won't like mess and wil stay clean
I just smiled and said 'We'll see'.

ScruffyTheCampfireSprayer · 27/04/2008 20:04

also my friend when I was pg with dc1

"It really shocks me how some people talk to their children, I know you would NEVER say "shut up" to a child"

CapricaSix · 27/04/2008 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.