Funniest thing said by a soon-to-be mother about the reality of life with children?

[emkana]

"I will have a two-way baby monitor so that when my newborn wakes up I will calm him down with my voice while remaining downstairs in the living room"

"I am having this baby completely on my terms"

Nearly five months on she is still co-sleeping and breast feeding on demand around the clock.

"baby will only play with beautifully, hand-crafted, traditional wooden toys. Vulgar plastic toys will not be allowed"

My mate, who is lovely, had a baby 3 months after I had DS1.

She hadn't a clue. This is the woman who had in her hospital bag when she gave birth tampons and thongs

Anyway, she used to come out with gems luike "Oh, I will ghave a weeks off work, then I';lll ease myself back into it in the second week. I can work from hom,e because the baby will be asleep all day"

She also said "Oh, I'll never be one of these mother you see who sit in thier dressing gowns all day. I'll always make sure I ;look nice, because there's no excuse for looking shit, is there?"

Cue 3 months poist-partum, she wasn't able to work, sleep, brush her teeth or have a shower because her DS screamed ALL DAY. I did warn her....

"I am not going to buy any branded toys."

Three and a half years later, my house looks like the island of fecking Sodor.

lol beanie. mine too! that and radiator springs.

"i refuse to pay £6 for a metal train just because ds is screaming!"

i dread to think how much ive spent on them!

I read a review of various cloth nappies and honestly thought that when it said they 'passed the overnight test' it meant they were easy to take away for the weekend

it never occurred to me that they would wee in them

my friend, who was pg at the time (dd1 was 3 months) had us over to our house for new year's eve

at about 12.05am dh and I were saying right, we'd better get some sleep we'll be tired in the mornig

my friend said 'Why do you need to go to bed? You don't have to get up for anything in the morning"

I was desperate for her to eat her words when the baby was born

irritatingly her 3 children have all slept like logs, and on waking have played happily with their toys for an hour

I will only prepare my child homemade proper food, she will NEVER eat junk

Should add it is the first time treat to have sweets for breakfast.

my child/ren wont have things like chocolate/junk food/telly/ until they are old enough to ask for them (meaning about 5) ROFL

(that was me)

My children will never have tantrums in public.
My children will know that when I say no I mean it.
My children will never have snot running down their faces (actually they did learn how to blow noses fairly early because i hate it so much but still....)
My children will never nag me.
My children will eat with the family - what the family eats and I will never cook separate meals.
My chiodren will be polite, bright, clever, creative, confident, clean and nice at all times.
How wrong I was.

oh yeahg, my lovely family meal times have yet to materialise into regularity.

I am not going to use chocolate as a bribe for my children.

my child will never have snot trails up his sleeve.

How else do you know whether your baby has a dirty napppy without sniffing his bum? Obviously quite often there's a definite smell, but if there are other babies around...
You're all going to hate me for this, but I slept better with a newborn than I ever did while heavily pregnant!

and I completed a masters certificate when DS was 3 months old...not my choice, I had to resubmit, and NEVER AGAIN!!!

StarlightMcKenzie, that reminds me of a friend who said that some of their friends used the 'finger of fudge' test - ie, stick your finger in. Not something I'd fancy doing, personally.

ewwwwwwwwwwwww I only do that when I'm fairly certain he hasn't and just want to be 100%. Otherwise it might be a sloshy one and that would cause spurting

Me to friend, while weaning dd1, on a grub stop in town:

"I can't wait till the day when I can buy her a sandwich in Marks and say 'Here, have that'"

I have the only 9 year old vegetarian who won't eat vegetables ......

I was shocked to hear the woman next door shouting at her toddler and seriously wondered if there was something wrong with her

this is a pg one but I swore I was not going to eat loads and pile on the weight this time, I was just going to be sensible and eat reasonable amounts of healthy nutritious food, then be able to get back into all pre-pg clothes straight after the birth
and this is second pg so I really ought to know better