Funniest thing said by a soon-to-be mother about the reality of life with children?

[emkana]

"I will have a two-way baby monitor so that when my newborn wakes up I will calm him down with my voice while remaining downstairs in the living room"

Actually, I still have hopes that family mealtimes with materialise at some point. DD is only 18 months and I'm pregnant, so I so have some excuse for sorting out something quick for DD and then worrying about me and DH later...

hotchoc i had similar exp, I had only just come out of hosp from section so hurt to bend down. Changed ds1 nappy and he weed and pooed at same time, mixed together to make poo even more runny and all running of changing mat onto floor. Ds started screaming I suppose because he uncomfortable so my boobs started squirting, only just got out of shower so thin t shirt on no bra, tshirt ended up dripping wet and floor had puddles of milk, poo and wee. Dh had just popped out to the shop and returned to find me in a right state trying my best to clean up sobbing and saying I couldnt be a mum. Just so glad we had wooden floors

Both dh and I have become masters in rewriting history. I know we said ridiculous things like this before we had our pfb.

But the only one I can remember is "my child will not kick the back of other seats/pull on trays/spill drinks on others/scream its head off for the whole flight/want to run up and down the aisle/want to go to the toilet during take off." And you can add any other permuation of that for flights.

Now dh and I always agree before a flight that what happens on the plane stays on the plane. And generally those flights are less stressful, because we prepare ourselves for the worse . But whenever I fly alone on business, I go out of my way to be nice to parents. Because I used to be the one tutting away

this thread is hilarious. my 1st due in 5 days and i have realised that i have been subconciously htinking a lot of things on here, particulary no sugar/junk food, and that my child won't have tantrums cos i'll be such a supercalm parent.........teehee. forewarned is forearmed at least :-)

I swore I'd never yell at my toddler / headstrong 3 year old because it was 'chavvy'. . .

Cue said 3 year old merrily ignoring my pleas and running towards a main road:
'SSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP' Followed by various briberies bellowed at top volume:
'Do you want that bag of chocolate buttons / to watch Dora / See Grandma' etc etc etc

I've just remembered that I made up my post pregnancy workout plan while still pregnant. It was about 2 hours of full on cardio and weight training every day.
What a twit.

I was the first one of my friends to have children and the number of them who said to me 'ooh, how lovely, a whole year's holiday!"

Oh and 'Lucky you being off work, you can go to art exhibitions, get cheap tickets for the theatre (wtf?!), relax and enjoy yourself!'

So far we have been to 2 art exhibitions in 3 years and in both cases I have had to stop DD hurling herself bodily at the priceless artworks screaming 'Teddy!' (at the Mark Wallinger installation) and 'Doggy! Doggy, mummy!' (at the Millais exhibition). Very relaxing....

A pregnant friend said to me recently "I don't know what the big deal is, I mean the baby will just fit right in to our routine. I can't see that things will change that much, babies are so portable we'll just do everything we have always done".

Oh how I larfed!!

i took my size 6 jeans into hospital with me.

i have now burned the fuckers!

On discovering my second was going to be a girl;
"I'm not dressing her in girly pink!"
She's now five and I don't think there is any other colour in her wardrobe!!

I thought that I would never have a child with snot on his face. I hadn't thought about what happens if you have a runny nose and you don't know how to blow it.

My friend is convinced that when she has kids, once she gets her baby into a routine, that'll be it and he/she will sleep through the night for ever more.

I'm so glad it's a summer baby, we'll be able to get out in the garden every day and enjoy the sunshine.

I'm thinking of myself here. Of all the times me and DH turned to each other smugly and said 'Our child will never be allowed to behave like that / do that / say that..'
PMSL. oh, how the tables turn.

lol lissie

this thread is great.

When DS was a baby, I was perplexed about lots of things he should be doing but wasn't, or shouldn't be doing but was, because "the book says.......". My sister and mum of two quietly reminded me that DS hadn't actually read the book . My parenting was much more relaxed after that.

LOL brownsuga that was soo me - out in the garden all summer, I think I managed it once!

I was sat with four friends, none of whom have children and was listening to them berating a parent who had said no to going to a garden centre cos it wasn't worth the hassle, how they pooh poohed. I promptly ranted for about half an hour defending the girl - then they all shut up about parenting .

I have another friend who insists achild of hers would never interrupt adult conversations (DD's favourite past time every time this particular friend comes round) - wish I could have the last laugh but she's adamant she's not having kids, wonder why?????????

Dragonbutter, oh yes, I bought a treadmill shortly before I got pg, luckily didn't want to use it when pg, but I imagined I'd get it back soon after the birth and run every day while the baby entertained himself.
Needless to say it is still gathering dust.

"I will never have any of those noisy toys"
oh and "Of course I will always use terry cloth nappies"

That was mewhat a twit

"In my family DH, we all lose weight when we have kids"

ROFL

Addendum:

My friend recently has a baby. I tentatively told her how life changing it was in ways that she would never imagine until the baby was born.

She used to say: 'The baby will fit in with whatever we want to do'.

I saw her a few days ago and she admitted how wrong she was

I'll just tell them not to do xyz

(Me with idealised visions of child discipline).

And also promising myself never to get annoyed with child asking questions and always to explain.

NOw 'I don't know, why don't you ask daddy when he gets home'.

And thinking it was shocking that my collegue plonked her child in front of telly to get some housework done.

Oh, and my child was going to sleep through the night, eat anything presented to him etc etc.

I was smugly reading this thread thinking 'oh, I didn't make any of these idiotic mistakes'. And then I remembered...

Because I had been a good sleeper and so, allegedly, was DH, I assumed that my child would be a good sleeper too. Because that kind of thing is obviously heredity. I was surprised when DS really really wasn't a good sleeper. Then, when DD came along, she lulled me into thinking that she was a good sleeper, until she hit 5 months and became a Really Really Not Good Sleeper either.

"Getting a baby monitor is just lazy parenting"

Said to me by a 'friend'. I live in a three story Victorian terrace at the time. The nursery was going to be on the top floor!

lissie me too! I took a pair of pre pg jeans in to hospital to wear home - cue me sobbing down teh phone to dH "Bring my maternity jeans in"

I was honestly shocked that i still looked pg