Funniest thing said by a soon-to-be mother about the reality of life with children?

[emkana]

"I will have a two-way baby monitor so that when my newborn wakes up I will calm him down with my voice while remaining downstairs in the living room"

" I will not answer my child if they speak to me like that!"

Also I could never understand why parents thought that their DC's school assembleys were so marvellous - (says me who cries all the way through watching mine!)

on the way home from hospital after having first DC we stopped at the newsagents to buy all the sunday papers! Never did get to read em

With DS (PFB) I had great intentions of having a water birth, and was planning on delivering the baby with a foot on either side of the pool, encased in my beautiful silver shoes which have a 3 inch stiletto heel - (it was just in case it was a girl- she could admire them on the way past) In real life I was in stirrups, wearing a disgusting pink hospital nightie, shouting at the registrar "make sure you get plenty of lignoaine up there"

A friend of a friend, first-time expectant mother, is seriously considering attending a wedding in France 11 days before her due date. They're going to drive, of course

My friend told me (whilst I was 38 weeks pg with ds1) that I should be able to attend the summer ball as baby would be 2 weeks old by then and he would organise a room so that I could pop off and feed ds, then re-join the party...and all I could think about was which dress would I fit into by then???? WTF?luckily common sense kicked in and we didn't buy tickets.....deciding to spend the money on disposable nappies instead as those re-usable ones just didn't work out either...

"Why can't you just leave your baby to cry for 5 minute while you have a shower?"

I was convinced ALL the little vests and babygros would be whiter than white, at all times, and would all be IRONED, FOLDED and PUT AWAY so easily accessible!!!!! Ha Ha Ha.

And I believed them when they said bf would help to restore a pre pg figure.

In the Indie this weekend, a letter from a woman asking where her, husband and baby (who will be 2 weeks old) can go on an adventure-type holiday in december. they want to do lots of exciting activities, while the baby goes to a creche. Love to know what happens

Im not going to have one of those children with snot all over their faces

and on finding out she was a girl "Well Im not dressing her in pink all the time" we now also have a pink wash

"Why can't you just leave your baby to cry for 5 minute while you have a shower?"

I still don't understand that one. Despite it being only a few months back that I was posting on here asking how anyone managed to shower in the morning when my DS screamed the whole time.
How quickly we forget

while discussing budgeting, i brightly pointed out to DP that once i was at home with the baby i could get up and make DP a healthy + tasty packed lunch every morning. after all, i'd have the time.

this came back to me with some force this morning as i stood in the kitchen sawing off a piece of bread (for myself) with one hand while jiggling screaming DS in the other. lulz.

i will make all of ds's food myself. all of it

dh "don't worry i'll get up and do the night feeds for you" - not since ds1 was 6 weeks old has he got up and ds2 is now 6 months old

" i will have a totally natural birth, no pain relief" as quoted from my 'birth plan'

2 hrs in screaming for an epidural

"oh yes, if I breastfeed, the weight will just drop off"

5 yrs on, still carrying that baby blubba

Oh yes, Lurker, I fell for the no pain relief gem, except you were braver than me as I was yelling for an epidural as soon as I got pissed off with the tens machine. About half an hour after using it!!!

I also remember saying that hell would freeze over before I had a picky eater!!! [laughs hollowly....]

Oh yes, and I would always answer my child's questions with a calm and reasoned response!!!!!!

My birth plan was more of a thesis but I stuck to it all, though it was all my fault that I was screaming for pethidine 10 minutes before the end Took me 4 days just on gas & air with a TENS but I did it

My male friend as a father to be: "well it'll be easier when she starts walking, she'll be far less trouble" !!!

My sister - taking a travel chess set into hospital for entertainment inbetween contractions
There was also a book in her hospital back to read when her baby slept...she still hasnt read it and her DS is 4.

'You just need to speak nicely to children and explain everything to them and they'll automatically be well-behaved'.

Me, 12 years ago.

Why isn't that child potty trained at 2? Mine will be dry at 18 months

I'll use the time to write a novel

My child won't ever speak rudely to me or anyone

You can bf twins -- there are plenty of women on MN who've done it. But I doubt you can get away with bf them every 4 hours...

BelleDuJour - totally possible to BF twins, as many mums on here will tell you.

But I agree, finding the energy (or desire!!) to mingle and have small talk a few weeks after giving birth is quite laughable...

X-post PortAndLemon!!