Funniest thing said by a soon-to-be mother about the reality of life with children?

[emkana]

"I will have a two-way baby monitor so that when my newborn wakes up I will calm him down with my voice while remaining downstairs in the living room"

Yes girls, it was a piss take, I'm not for 1 minute under the illusion I'll be able to stick to any of the above, even if I wanted too! this thread made me laugh sooo much, We all start off with good intentions but then reality hits! Capricasix really felt for you reading your diary, especially about wanting to be spoiled yourself for a change! Here's a cup of tea and a biscuit from me I'll let you know in 18mths time if any of my goals are still standing! (if I'm able to get 5mins to myself to type that is)

A girl at work said 'labour will be easy, I did a really big poo the other day that really hurt so nothing can be as bad as that!!!

sister said to me 'lack of sleep won't bother me, I'm used to clubbing!'
cue demented sister couple of months later with non sleeping baby.

isnt it strange how clubbing tired is totally different to baby tired?

A former work colleague once said to me - "when DW has our first child she's going to take the opportunity to get the house decorated"!!! I had to get myself up off the floor before I could answer that one.

I also have to confess to one myself (pre-children). Once, when DH and I were round a good friend of ours with 3 children I whispered "I can't understand why she has to shout at them". My DH likes to remind me of that one occassionally.

lissie - she didnt understand my but I'm a good patent sister and never said 'I told you so!' lol.

I remember swearing I'd never lift up my kid and sniff it's arse- thought that was so gross when I saw mothers doing that to check if the nappy was full....now I do it at least 4 times a day....

arse??? My kiddie doesn't have an arse, he has a lovely bottom!

it's an arse if it's wearing a stinky nappy!

Flumpydumpy, you've got to give your colleague some credit - she has the 'complete lack of dignity, will discuss completely inappropriate and personal things with near strangers' part of motherhood off pat already, she could be a natural.

I either have amnesia or had very low expectations of myself, I don't remember having many, if any of these illusions! I DID think I'd sleep when the baby slept, no one told me they don't ALL sleep, even at the very start.

I did swear I'd never spit on a tissue for face-cleaning purposes, and in my defence it took over four years for me to resort to it (couple of weeks ago). I think I may have licked her face clean WITHOUT the use of a tissue when she was about two though.

We were never going to go to soft play because we couldn't think why you would want to spend your time in a grim warehouse when you could be camping and walking in the great outdoors. 'The Lake District will be our soft play area!' we declared.
We do go to the Lake District, but thank God for the soft play area on the top floor of Rheged.

I remember a friend telling me she was going to use her maternity leave to learn Italian.

Franny, I had the next-door neighbour thing too. On overhearing their two-year-old crying for yet another night, I decided she must be really ill to be in that much pain all the time. It's not as if she's a baby or anything. In fact, maybe she's got a terminal illness or something? That poor child.

Now I've got a nearly two-year-old, and I realise this is completely normal.

'When she's a toddler, I'll have a special Hard Stare - sort of firm but loving ? that will stop her in her tracks and make her stop behaving badly'.

Ha.

From my sil due in about 10 days:
"I'll get the baby in a good routine. I can't cope with being tired"

While pregnant for second time "if it's a girl she will wear her brother's old clothes" (carefully kept in bags in loft)...do I even need to expand? Let's just say there is a white wash, a dark wash...and a pink wash.

Also did the "Will only have hand-made wooden toys" (as she looks at repulsive My Little Pony 3-storey plastic monstrosity in middle of my bedroom).

I said "why do parents buy expensive character yoghurt? Our DD will be quite happy with supermarket own brand".

Loving this thread!

Said by me while pregnant and also by 2 pregnant friends who are due next month:

"Pregnancy gets you used to the sleepless nights. I'm up loads in the night at the moment so I'll cope with it fine."

What i didn't relaise was that there is a huge difference between waking up yourself and having a screaming baby waking you right as you're getting to sleep.

I did tell this to my pregnant friends, but they just gave me that look of "things will be different for me" that I'm sure i gave friends with children when they were trying to tell me the reality.

newly pregnant, I purchased a parenting manual and said brightly to my DP, "it'll be fine, it says here all I have to do is get it into a routine. Why doesn't everyone do that?" He (the eldest of five) shook his head and sighed.

I still don't understand why we buy "character" yoghurt.

If you want to give store brand yogurt character, simply leave it in the fridge for an extra month

Loving this thread. I remember visiting friends before having DD, and being amazed when the dad said that the daughter would only eat toast when it was cut into triangles - I was sure that my child would never be that fussy .