To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

Bought a tear to my eye for those children who aren’t invited to parties but also how excited they are to have a party.

If the party is a success especially with those who are worried about social situations are all okay, please just arrange a summer party, a half term party, Easter party - make up for all those one that have been missed xx

I hope they all have the best time and many more to come

Good god! Your poor child.

Im crying as i read this because those children sound so much like my son as he grew up hearing about parties but never getting a invite .I hope they all have a wonderful time .

I wonder how many of the people feeling sad about this always had the view 'I let my own child choose who to invite'. Once it gets past whole class parties in yR/y1 there will be pupils who never get invited, not because of being nasty but because their SN means they don't 'click' with others so well.

Reading this has brought a tear to my eye as my DD has SEN and struggles with birthday parties yet loves the thought of them. She went to her first school birthday party last month and I hope she is included in many, many more.

I hope your son and his classmates all have a wonderful day!! 🎉 🥳

Bless him. My son is 10 and has also never been invited to a party but he definitely wouldn't enjoy one.

How kind of @AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman to arrange the party and invite her DS's classmates. I hope they all have a wonderful party.
Three cheers for @AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman !

I hope your party is a magnificent success and it inspires other parents at your sons school to give it a go and they all have more parties to go to.

Maybe consider using it as an opportunity to network with the other parents (probably mums!) and drop in the idea how you could support each other with organising future parties/events for the kids to do together.

I hope it goes really well.
I imagine the parents are just as excited.

FWIW my DC1 is in mainstream education (no additional needs) and is rarely invited to parties. We host one every year and thankfully the other kids attend.

It is hard for the parents as well as the uninvited child as we feel their sorrow every bit as much.

Oh OP. I get it. Hope the party is amazing and they all have a brilliant time.

This is both heartbreaking and heartwarming in equal measures and I am sure it will be an amazing party for all the children involved. Hope your son has a fabulous birthday and that this will be the first of many xxx

How lovely. Having read all of these comments, I’m so glad a lot of parents in dd’s class did whole class parties for reception year. Only a small thing, I know, but I would feel horrible looking back if any ND child in dd’s class has been excluded to this extent over the years. It was such a bane at the time as there was a party almost every weekend but I think a great bonding experience for them all.

I hope all the children have such fun. They sound so fab. ❤️

Hope it’s the best birthday party ever. I have a disabled person in my life and the way that disability isolated them, especially when they were younger is heartbreaking. Lots of love to you all and please tell us how it went.

Wow this made me cry with happiness. What a wonderful thing you’re doing. Yes it is heartbreaking but you are doing something these kids will remember their whole lives so focus on the positive 😍

Question: do you have a printer at home?

You could get a group photo of them all in their party hats or whatever and print a photo off as a wee takeaway for their party bag, so they always have a memory of the day.

You can get cheap photo paper from the pound shop or home bargains or somewhere like that. It’s about £2-3 usually I think.

if you still need an idea for a party bag, you could always get a £1 frame for each of them from Poundland and have the framed pic ready to take home?

just a thought; I’m not trying to give you more work! Hope it all goes well and I would love to hear an update afterwards!

Happy birthday to your son. I hope he, and all his friends, have the most wonderful day.

This has brough tears to my eyes,

Have a fantastic day

I'm crying too! I hope you all have an amazing day

This is such a lovely thread and you OP are a lovely person

This.

A lovely post OP.

Asking the parents to stay would be great to help get to know each other and support one another.

I have had numerous garden birthday parties over the years and one very successful tip was to lay various blankets down over the grass , spread out from each other, with a few toys/cushions on each.

It gave the children the opportunity for a sit down and a time out if they wanted it, to catch their breath.

Let’s hope it’s the start of many parties in his friendship group 🎉

It IS heartbreaking but how bloody lovely that they’re all so excited. I’m sure they’ll have a wonderful time.

Please report back after the party!

Oh I think this is a lovely idea!

I'm sure you'll have thought of this already, but anyway. It doesn't have to be great. It can be the usual kids' party mix of fun, tears, squabbles, more fun and too much cake. That's ok. That's more than ok. You're not trying to deliver the miraculous party that will fix anything. You're giving them.a chance to be their messy, imperfect selves at a party.

Success here is the parents of a kid who sulked when they lost at a party game, or who ate three slices of cake and then felt sick coming away thinking 'hey, we should have a party for x's next birthday'.

More prosaically - food for the parents.

You're not being unreasonable at all, I would have cried too, but you can't change the past. What you can do is what you have done now and make this kid feel welcome and wanted. Focus on how happy you've made them now. Not on how unfair the past is.

Hope you all have a wonderful time at the party!!