To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

❤️

That is a fantastic update, Op 🎉

Sounds like a lovely party that all the children enjoyed.

Well done!

Thank you for sharing the update. I’m so happy for you all.

My DD is ND she has diagnosed DCD, ADHD and possibly Autism. She goes to a mainstream school, and she only ever gets invited to parties of other ND children. For her birthday I threw a party at home, there were only 5 children (including my DD) and all if them ND. I was told repeatedly that it was the calmest party they had ever been too.

Is she old enough to realise, OP? And does it bother her?

She is 9 and does realise to some extent only when the other kids talk about their parties, school dont allow them to hand out party invites at school. It does upset her when her "friends" are talking about their parties and she hasn't been invited.

Im so happy the party went well. This has cheered me up so so much after a 💩 day!!

I'm sorry to hear that, @Snaketime. I used to work in SEN in mainstream and it's just so sad that parents can't see a bit further than this.

(Not putting it very well, of course not everyone can go to every party, but...)

This post makes me very emotional. My beautiful boy is now nearly 8 yo and has never received a birthday invitation from his school friends. This year he invited 22 kids to his birthday party, only 3 accepted the invitation. He is highly gifted and attends a normal school, he is not neurodiverse in any other way, he has similar interests as other kids his age, however, his language is more developed and some of his interests are more advanced and intense as well (think Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory), and that is enough to stand him apart.
At the end of the day, kids that don't fit the mold don't have much of a chance of a social life.

@AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman , we're chuffed that all your party planning was worth it and DS and friends all had a wonderful time!

After nominations from your fellow MNers, we're happy to move this thread over to Classics where it can serve as inspiration to other parents and party planners.

Here's hoping that more children will receive their first party invite as a result of reading your lovely thread.

What a strange and unexpected postscript. Thank you, I think, @LivMumsnet and everyone else. Certainly thank you for the many kind comments 😊

This makes me wonder, surely threads like this have come up before? I can’t be the first and I won’t be the last parent in this position.

Well, to anyone who has read this far, please take a chance on the kid who is quiet, or different, or non-stop, or awkward, or always out with the TA. The first step is only as hard as writing the invitation. The second is pretty easy too- just ask the parents if the kid needs anything to be comfortable at the party.

This is such a fantastic thread. It has come up before, @AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman, but not quite like this!

For years I've had a vague idea of running parties for any children who haven't had the usual invites (obviously phrased differently) but not sure how to start...

@Sapo76 I think it is so important to find activities that help him shine.

Chess, programming clubs, reaching out to local universities to see do they do advance math etc are all things to look into.

My eldest was quiet and loved Lego and by the end of primary was part of a group that were obsessed with building their own lego city.

All at university 4 of them remain close pals to this day and are on a large boys sun holiday at the moment.

Chess is a great game for anyone to learn for any child, very bright or not.

Tennis is a great game for those that prefer non contact sports.
Likewise golf.

Learning an instrument that would be in demand in an orchestra is also a great way for bright children to meet kindred spirits.

Don't be disheartened.

He just hasn't found his tribe.

@BluebellsForest thats an interesting idea. Would it work as a community Christmas party or midsummer party, and scoop up all the local kids that way?

Curious what is different about this thread?

I think that the ending is positive is what makes it different sadly

@AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman I think what's special about this thread is the amount of people who have ended up crying happy tears while reading it, and the encouragement it has provided for us all to be braver and find more room in our hearts to include the kids who are a little bit different. I've loved reading it ❤

Yes, that sounds great. May be working with special schools, mainstream and play schemes, and create a golden ticket type of event?

I've seen threads on this issue before, but not one with such a happy outcome.

I had been a gymnastics teacher for more than 25 years, with specialized training in therapeutic gymnastics. I vividly remember being asked to support one of my students, who had ASD and struggled considerably to communicate, interact etc. He had NEVER had a birthday party before (at 10 years old), his behavior, simply too disruptive. His Mom booked the 2-hr party at the gymnastics place. 2 staff were assigned to organize and "run" the party for the guests and siblings. My role was to provide
1-on-1 care and support to the birthday boy, while the actual party took place. I remember the Mom being in tears afterwards because her other kids were able to attend a party for their brother and ENJOY THEMSELVES! Their brother was happy, having fun, and was SAFE! Best Day EVER in my coaching career.
💕🥳🤸‍♂️🏃‍♀️🎂🧃📸📀🎶✋️

My son who attends special school 16, has just come home with a party invitation to go bowling on a Saturday - his first ever proper invitation.
I’m bawling 😭

That's fabulous, @SlipperySlope99! I hope he has a fantastic time.

That’s lovely @SlipperySlope99 I understand how you feel and I hope it goes really well.

DS has just asked me after school today when his school mates’ birthday parties will be… 😬