To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

Love it you do what I do include all. I would rather have a cheaper party and all the kids than just specific ones. Good job mum.

Have the MOST wonderful time. You are doing a really good thing.

My DS, 11, has ASN but attends mainstream. The only parties he's been to are family parties and once at a little boy's from cubs (I could have hugged those parents for days). He struggles to understand why he doesn't get invites. He struggles to have friends. Your post has made me cry (again) but has given me new hope that he may yet find his tribe. 🥰

I hope your son and his friends have a wonderful time. I work in an ASN school and love nothing more than seeing photos of the children at parties or meeting up outside school. These types of things are so rare for our children which is very sad. They bring so much joy to the world and deserve to have some fun! Enjoy this very special party.

I really hope they all have an amazing time- looking forward to hearing how it goes. And it sounds like the kids are really excited too

OP, you sound wonderful and it's so lovely that you have arranged this party for your son and his friends. I have no doubt that they will all have a really nice time. It is so sad to hear of the exclusion of children with different abilities, your post serves as a good reminder for inclusivity.

Well this made me cry happy and sad tears OP. I worked for years in an SEN school and some of the children there got their first ever friends once they came to us and out of mainstream. The parents were always so happy to hear their child had a friend. As a mother, I can’t imagine excluding a child for having SEN especially as my children are little and so play with everyone!! I can see how around the age of 12 a lot of youngsters tend to stick more to their friendship groups for events.

I hope they have the best party ever!! I’m sure these parents and children are going to be thrilled!! And you may start a trend of parties!! Have a lovely time x

Yes I had similar, a birthday party for DS and I invited every single one of his classmates from both classes at his specialist school for disabilities. Everyone is just over the moon to go, and one also had never been to a party before.

It is pretty heart breaking!

Wishing you all the most wonderful happy day!

Who said "BE the change you want to see in the world" was it Gandhi?

Anyway, you're changing things and making the world a bit more fun, exciting and joyous for all those children. That is a beautiful thing.

I cant help wondering if now there will be a slew of invitations!

A lot of those parents (I was one, DS is now an adult and gets far more invites that I do!) stopped trying as the heartbreak of people not coming was too much to bear. But now they know that parties can happen with other parents having been in the same position, I hope that they start holding their own gatherings.

How wonderful, and yet utterly heartbreaking at the same time. I am a cynical creature thanks to the years and experience teaching me to be, but even I, hardened old bag that I am, got a little sweaty of eye reading your OP. Enjoy! Happy birthday to your wonderful son!

I hope you all have the best time op! Maybe you will encourage the other parents to throw parties too.

You are WONDERFUL!!! My son has ADHD and at 10 rarely gets invited to parties. Funny thing is he's the easiest guest ever as he'll be so shy in a new social situation he won't cause any bother. The few times he's been invited I've thanked the parents and they always seem surprised when I say he rarely gets an invite. I think ignorance and fear of someone who is different are more ingrained than we wish to admit. Have the most brilliant party with these wonderful kids😊

Oh, OP.

The most bittersweet post I’ve read on MN, and I’ve been here decades.

I can’t wait to hear how it all goes. Hats off to you - and happy birthday to your DS!

What a wonderful but also of course such sad post!!
I can’t believe people leave SEN kids out of parties, it’s horrific.
Hope you and your boy and all the others have a wonderful party OP and I agree with PP - hopefully many more invitations and parties to come!!

My son is 8 and has asd, he's in mainstream. Since starting nursery he's had 2 invites and none in past two years. We do a party every year.

Well I wasn't expecting that from the thread title. I hope they all have a lovely time and yes it sounds like your son has found his people. Shame some kids are not more inclusive.

In my mind, a separate Area/room/tent with a few fidget toys, sensory toys, a pillow or two, couple of small blankets or snuggly things. This is what my work place does when they host events with loads of children. A sign - "chill out space".

My mind is designing a simple handout for each child/parent combo with a simple time list, details of quiet area, and location of toilet. And to ask questions if they need to. But I can't sleep and I'm getting totally invested sorry 😂

Some really sad stories here. Very excited for the lovely party. Heartwarming.

This post is both lovely and heartbreaking at the same time OP. For what it's worth I would never have allowed my children to exclude others based on having additional needs and I know many others think the same. Those who think like this aren't worth knowing anyway. I hope your boy and his friends have the best time x

My son has only ever been to family birthday parties, but we have, in the past, arranged with his class teachers at the time (SEN school) to have his whole class birthday parties in school time - so class trip has been to trampoline park and bowling alley- works out cheaper too as it’s off peak in the mornings for party packages - so DS gets to have a party, with his friends and added bonus is school staff to help supervise and celebrate with him
Well done you and can’t wait to hear about the party

Oh this makes me sad just reading it that poor child. How cruel can some people be. Kids need to be allowed to be kids regardless of their disabilities. I hope they have a wonderful birthday party

I work in an sen school. It is heart breaking. The reality is that many of these young people arrive in taxis and parents don’t get to connect as well as others. Many live miles from each other as well. Needs in the class might vary so much that parents might not know how to organise an inclusive party. Also the other children may not have expressed the want to have a party. Many possibly do have small family parties. Send schools are also good at making a little celebration in the class.

I hope your son has a fantastic birthday and I hope that you are able to enjoy meeting the other parents and maybe this is the start of future get together for their class.

Hope it's a wonderful party my DGD who has additional needs and is now at a special school had a party at a local soft play with her school friends as nearly all have ASD it was a private session with less noise and dimmer lighting great fun had by all. They are all around 14-15 years old. Have a great party

A very happy birthday to your DS, and to all his friends going to the party have a wonderful time.
How cruel that children are getting to this age having never been invited to a party. Inclusion is so important, I can imagine how happy and excited these children must have been to get the invite.

Have an amazing party, it sounds like those children will remember it for a very long time.

Exactly this ❤️

Your boy and his friends will have the best time!!