To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

Hope your boy has a great party x

That's really sweet. What lovely children. I hope they all have a great time.

You sound like such a lovely person and I am sure very single person at the party is going to have a wonderful time because you've made them welcome. I hope you have the best day.

Big hugs to you and all those sweet children xxx

How lovely. OP enjoy the party as much as your son and his friends. Imagine the joy they will all have . Please let us know how the party was . Enjoy ☺️ XxAlso happy birthday to your son Xx

Ah that's lovely! They'll remember this forever! I was another child who was never invited to any parties. Mainstream schooled, but my autistic self was just too weird for people so no one ever wanted me.

I hope the party goes well. I'm pleased for your son, the other kids and you too!

It sounds like the parents in the class are nice? Maybe this party will be the first of many.

Happy birthday to your wonderful boy. I hope everyone has a wonderful time - I am certain they will!

Other posters have made some fab recommendations so far re. adjustments. I work with SEN children in a day service setting and would echo all of them, including a quiet space, a visual timetable/agenda (but no times on there just in case things change), some plain ‘safe’ foods included in the party food and more activities than you think you will need. It doesn’t need to be complicated - UNO, snakes and ladders, a bit of Play Doh are all great time fillers and good for those who struggle to engage in party games. Allow some extra time for transitioning between activities and have easy access to toilets and water/squash.

and of course, loads of balloons and cake!

Have a wonderful day ❤️

This has brought tears to my eyes. I hope your son and his friends have an amazing time. Let us know how it goes.

Oh I really hope they all have a fantastic party!

Where did these children go to school? My DS (ASD and ADHD) went to a mainstream primary and in the first few years it tended to be whole class parties. Nobody was ever excluded - although I had to stay with him even when other parents could drop and run. In reception and Year 1 he hated the noise and would just sit in the corner with his hands over his ears until we gave up - but he was never excluded, nor were any of his ND classmates.

I'm sure in later years he wasn't invited to small group parties such as taking your three besties to the cinema - but neither were most of the other children. But he was always still invited to big parties.

It's unbelievably sad that these children have never been invited to a party! How can that happen? (Our school was one class per year so maybe that's why parties were whole class. Perhaps it's different in bigger schools)? But the thought of a bunch of kids having a party and not inviting just one or two is absolutely heartbreaking. I could cry.......

Please do update us on how it went.

Oh I’m on my way to work and don’t need the tears!! Thank you for being so kind op. We combined with another child to have a joint whole class party this year so nobody was left out, horrible that some people can be like that.

This is quite possibly the most wonderful post I have ever read! It is sad to know this happens to children but I am so happy your son and his friends are having a party. I hope it is the best for all of you!

Lovely, just lovely!
I have worked with SEN young people and agree with PP; it's great to have a quiet area (with, for example, coloring in) since there's likely to be different levels of energy and ability to participate. That goes for all children's parties really.
If parents offer to stay do take them up on it, and have some tea/coffee/nibbles available for adults.
I would also say avoid anything chocolate (stains!) and offer fruit shoot-type drinks in little bottles rather than in cups. Yes the plastic isn't great but less spilling and feels fancy somehow (at least mine always thought so).

Wonderful and very sad at the same time.
All children should feel included.

I really hope it goes well, and your Ds and his friends have an amazing time.

Well THAT made me cry. I hope your DS and his friends have the most wonderful party ever.

If he's in a special school and his peers haven't had parties either then it isn't simply about discrimination, it's also about fear. Fear by your fellow parents about whether to do it, what will go wrong, what to do etc. Seeing their own kids so excited, seeing you pull off a good party, maybe that will encourage everyone else to do the same and all your kids can party all year long x

I'm in tears OP. It's heartbreaking isn't it. We all want the best life for our kids. My own DS has ASD but in mainstream school and was left out of invites at junior school. It broke my heart, even though I knew myself he was hard to manage at the time. Much improved now (at Secondary school) I'm happy to report.
You are doing a truly wonderful thing and lets hope you're a trend setter and more invites will follow.
Please let us know how it goes.

Also, I love your user name!

This was my dd in the whole of primary school as she went to a mainstream school, she has asd and she struggles in social situations . Was never invited to parties etc . She’s in year 8 and goes to a special school has lots of friends , been out with them , gone to their houses etc . She had a friend over a few weeks ago and cried when she went home because she couldn’t believe she had a friend who came over .

This is a very good point. Figners crossed it goes really well and other parents can have the confidence to host a party for their kids too.

But Op I'm crying too, i really hope it goes well for him.

More happy tears are going on here.

Also, a PSA for older kids. Our local disability service has a nightclub once a week for people with learning difficulties & their friends. If anyone is near Harrow, look on https://www.had.org.uk/changes-nightclub

And if you're NOT near Harrow, think about lobbying for one to start - even an annual one maybe? It's really great to see the attendees (sorry I don't know the minimum age, but it's a good mix) learning social skills and feeling part of the nightclub scene.

This thread is so sad, how can people treat children in this way? They're bringing up the next generation of assholes. I'm sorry for anyone who has experienced this, it's fucking horrible.

I hope your ds and his friends have the best party. I've no doubt they will.

this is so precious.. so sad at the same time. i hope you all have a wonderful wonderful day and happy birthday to your son!! i am positive they will all have a blast! xx

I did not consent to read such a wholesome and moving post this evening

@Jewnicorn that's appalling. I would have been really upset too