To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

I hope it goes well OP and opens up possibility of more birthday parties/meet ups with the other parents now you will meet each other at your DSs party.

I hope your son and his lovely friends have THE BEST time of their lives! 🎉❤️🙏❤️ How wonderful that you’re doing this xxx

hope your son and his friends have the most wonderful time xx

I think it’s going to be a wonderful experience for all of those children. It’s bloody heartbreaking how children can be excluded. My children are at a mainstream school and one year the entire class were invited to a birthday party apart from one boy who has ADHD. I asked the Mum and she said “because he is awful”. We boycotted the party and invited said boy for a full day out and evening excursions. Kick Air, pizza, cinema etc and plastered it all over social media. Fuck em!!

Herbsandflowers - I wish there was a 'like' button! And absolutely whitebreadjamsandwich, a spread for the parents/carers would be perfect.

I haven’t RTFT, but this is a lovely thing to do. I really hope it all goes well, I’m sure they will remember it forever.

My dd had 12 girls in her class, every year through primary, she had a party with these 12 girls. 10 of them were really good friends, and the other pair were friends with each other. One of that pair had various play dates and was sometimes invited to other parties, and sometimes not. The other girl in the pair was quiet and shy, there was no reason to dislike her, but she was always on the outskirts.

After my dds year 6 party, the girl’s mum thanked me and said that throughout primary school, dd’s party was the only one she’d ever been invited to, that she looked forward to it for weeks beforehand each year and how it had helped her self-confidence to know that she had a party to go to each year, even though she knew there were other parties going on. It made her feel less left out.

That broke my heart in that moment - that poor girl who had been so excluded for being timid and not quite ‘in with the crowd’. I think that conversation with that mum taught me more than anything I’d ever learnt from the ‘cliquey’ mums over the previous seven years !

All my dc had at least one whole class party during primary, which meant no one was left out. And a lot of other parents did the same. Really pleased that your son will have appreciative guests.

My son is asd/adhd and has a rare chromosome disorder and he has invited others to parties very few come and they NEVER invite him to theirs it breaks my heart. So pleased that you have a great day ahead of you I hope your son has a wonderful birthday with his friends! 🥳

Have the bestest day ever,HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your lovely son xx

Happy Birthday to your boy and I hope the party goes wonderfully 💕

I work for a charity that supports people with learning difficulties/disabilities and autism into employment, and have worked in many SEN schools. So many of these kids have more limited life experiences than they should do.

Thank you for doing this - it'll be an amazing experience for so many of these kids!

Oh, that brought a tear to my eye. I hope your ds, all his friends and you have a wonderful time!

Hope all the children have a fabulous time. My daughters and friends loved our Birthday parties at home.
Enjoy every moment. X

My son also at a special needs school. He’s had a few invites but few parties I’ve tried to organise for him have been a hard slog to get rsvp’s normally invite ten and two show up etc

Very sad
my daughter is 12 and it seemed almost fashionable in year R to invite the whole class to a party.

Hopefully this will encourage the rest of the class to do their own parties! It's definitely depressing and it sucks people are like that. I hope they all have the best time and manage to enjoy themselves even if it's a bit overwhelming.

@AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman

Have a GREAT party (is it today or tomorrow?)

We want a FULL update 😃🥳🎉🤩

Have a great party today op. 🎉🥳

This just made me cry. 30 years after being the bullied kid with no friends,missing school trips as I had no one to go with etc it upsets me to think of others going through the same.

I hope your son and all his friends have an amazing party 🥳 🥳🥳

Love love love this

Hope he has the most amazing birthday party and they all have a great time.

My dd was mainstream educated but autistic so I can count the number of parties she attended on one hand (even at primary parents excluded the ones with teaching assistants, it's cruel). A shout out all the other parents out there giving their (older) children developmental appropriate treats and gifts whatever it looks like to outsiders ... we are taking dsd to CBeebies land at Alton Towers, she's an adult - I persuaded the hotel to let us share an in the night garden room!

this is why parents should invite the whole class. often not everyone will come but it makes sure everyone is included! it’s the adults’ responsibility to be inclusive - that will ensure their children do the same as they get older. The event doesn’t need to be expensive - a simple meet at the local playground + snacks and cake is all kids want.

Not all parents can afford to invite the whole class. It's not too hard if your hiring a church hall. But not so easy if your having a house party, or doing an activities like bowling or later tag which are often limited by numbers.

But whatever it sounds like the Ops child is in a special school, so parents might feel they have enough on their plate caring for one child and the idea of a party is out the question.

However I really hope that the party goes well and the kids have a great time. Hopefully some other parents will be confident enough to also hold parties for their kids.

I really hope the party goes well and your son and his friends enjoy it. Hopefully it might pave the way for others to be able to host parties too.

Happy Birthday to your DS, please let us know how the party went and hope everyone has a wonderful time.