To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

My son is nearly 5 and developmentally delayed with GDD and ASD. We've thrown him two birthday parties so far and this year we also threw him a summer party too. He doesn't get many party invitations and I was annoyed when I realised all of the kids from his nursery class had been at a birthday party that we weren't invited to. So I decided to respond by throwing a summer party and inviting the other special needs families we know to it. It was mostly people who I didn't know well at all, I even chased one mother down after speech therapy to give her my number and tell her about the party. It was great fun, the children had a brilliant time and we've decided that every year our son is going to get two parties, one in November for his birthday and then a summer party too. And we are aiming to mostly invite special needs children plus a few close family and friends. It's super upsetting when you realise your kid has been excluded, that's why we want to make sure the special needs kids we know get at least two invites a year from us.

That's amazing!! And honestly heart goes out to you planning a 'normal' party is daunting and stressful I can honestly say trying to meet disabilities too I think would put the fear in me!! I think reach out to his parents and tell them how touched you are!! Try at the buffet or snacks getting some of his favourite songs will remember you know if he really likes a certain drink or sweet or fruit that he gets excited about. Something small but will mean so much to him. Or a game he loves to play ensure to enclude that. Hearts goes out to the wee one! Well done to you thou!! Xx

Relating to the politics of birthday parties rather than OP - last year and this year we invited only a few boys from the class although the pattern in the school is for all boys to go to boys parties, all girls to girls etc. My son had been to many of these parties but when it came to his we didn't do this. I felt bad about it but my son has autism and finds large groups overwhelming. There are a group of boys that constantly tease him and he said he would rather have nothing than an all boys party. We tried to be discreet but of course that didn't work and im sure some kids and parents may have thought we were excluding. I felt as long as there were as many not invited as there were invited it should be acceptable. We were in a bit of a pickle about it but i did what was right for my son.

OP pls let us know how it went, so glad you are doing this!

I guess I’d like to try to answer this. I certainly have thoughts. A poster on one of the first three pages was also asking about what setting the kids came from prior to secondary.

The answer is, I don’t know. For my DS at first there was a mainstream primary and he was always included in parties. He moved to a special primary during covid (!) so no parties at all as there were medically vulnerable kids and lots of caution around infection control. This time last year, I had covid myself. I’d take a guess that more than half of his current class will have had some mainstream experience as that’s generally the way of things.

About opportunity, I don’t think you should underestimate the effect of exclusion in primary on parents’ willingness to organise parties. I mean we’re talking about seven school years before this current one. Once bitten, twice shy.

But the other thing is that I’m operating pretty blindly here. I know the kids have needs significant enough to have got a specialist placement, but I have no idea what any of them are. I’ve never seen any of the kids in person, and I don’t have any easy way to chat to the parents. The RSVPs are the first contact. I’ve asked how to make their kids comfortable, about diet etc as they have replied. So if it feels hard to invite that one kid in your mainstream class, imagine how daunting this feels. I nearly didn’t try.

So I don’t think it’s fair to put the blame for the previous seven years’ lack of invitations on the parents of this particular group of kids, making choices as a consequence of their previous experiences. I think that would be excusing a lot of unkind or thoughtless behaviour from ‘mainstream’ families and pointing the finger at the families who are already struggling.

It is daunting, especially the stacking up of unknowns as I mention above. But I really think in the case of one kid, or even a couple, it isn’t very much extra effort at all.

Aww I hope it goes well I remember inviting all the kids in my sons nursery and some had special needs the mums were so happy they were invited as hadn't before 💔

You're totally not BU to be a little bit heartbroken, but how lovely that you are now providing those lovely times for your ds and his friends. I hope they all have a wonderful time

This post made me both happy and sad. Here's hoping for a fabulous party! Bless you x

I was in a supermarket one day when a ND teenage boy asked me where the toys were as though I was a member of staff. I just told him where the toys were and as they walked away his mum turned and mouthed ‘thank you’ to me. I still well up now that she felt it necessary to thank me for treating him as a human being.

Bless you. My disabled son used to have parties and invite all classmates. Mainstream school. Invites rarely reciprocated. Had to stop parties because so few came. Broke my heart. Instead went to activity for small number of friends.

I hope you ALL have a wonderful time.. yes, heartbreaking that there are children out there who don't get invited to parties. But you've made a difference... you've made it possible for a group to meet, have fun and create a strong and happy memory that will fill their hearts with song and joy! Have a wonderful time and a very happy birthday to your son!

I welled up when I read the OP and I keep welling up at all the beautiful touching tales in the replies. People can be wonderful, it’s easy to forget that.

I think someone is peeling onions nearby!

My son has special needs too and rarely has invites to anything so I totally understand. I think it's incredibly special for parents and children alike.

I'm a big believer in a party is what you make it and if there's music and smiling faces and laughter a few decorations, maybe some balloons (if everyone is ok with them) or bubbles, or just ribbons strung around the garden. It honestly doesn't matter, just have some fun and games.

It's so lovely to see these young people interact and be treat with the respect and normalcy they deserve.

I hope you all have a really wonderful time. :)

Aww. Hope they all have a fab time

I’ve caught up to the end of the thread now. A lot of PPs have seen their children left out, or their invitations ignored. I’m so sorry. I wish I could invite you. Without a doubt my DS would be happy to see you.

When my daughter started her special secondary school (primary was mainstream) her birthday was at the beginning of the year so took the plunge and had a whole year party (actually only 32 kids). We went to a trampoline place - who I have to say were brilliant. I explained the situation. They made sure the environment wasn’t too overwhelming, gave the kids options of having their food in quieter places or even have a take away option. The kids loved it, but equally it was so great to see all us parents just relax, not have to explain our kids behaviour, it was enough just to see them all happy and playing.
OP you are doing a great thing and from my experience other parents will have the confidence to have parties where their friends can come along.
Tips: some of the parents worried about allergies, the venue were great but even said they could bring their own if it suited better.

I took lots of fidget toys for party bags so they could be deployed if needed.
Hope you all have a great time.

I hope your DS and his friends have an amazing time.

This thread brought a lump to my throat. I hope the party is a massive success.

We had a 4th birthday for my son and we invited my son’s friends from nursery - including a boy who is neurodivergent - when we gave the invitations to the room leaders to hand out, I’ve been told all 3 of them handed the invite to his mum at the end of the day as they were so excited for him. His mum already had plans in a different town that morning but drove for over an hour to not miss my son’s party.

I think it’s more of a lack of understanding and not knowing how to interact - I work with special schools and trying to link them to industry for work experience etc and a lot of the time people are “afraid” of putting their foot in it by saying the wrong thing, so the “easier” course of action is to not say anything!

I’m now really good friends with the boy’s mum and we were talking about how to educate parents only last weekend - oftentimes parents are more than happy to talk about their child but there needs to be a catalyst.

I don’t have all the answers, but there are allies to parents with additional needs out there.

So so common and so cruel if anyone is East Midlands based www.littlemiraclescharity.org.uk has hosted lots of birthday parties for this very reason celebrating lots of kiddies at once because the other side of the coin is how devastating it is when your kiddie invites lots of people and no one attends 😭

Weepy reading this. I hope everything goes smoothly and they have a lovely time. x

I hope they have the BEST time and your boy too!!

After reading your post, I'm certain you will all have an amazing day - the children and the parents too! Enjoy, have a thoroughly wonderful time and cherish the memories made for everyone. Happy Birthday to your DS on the day!

That happened. To my son went to an ordinary primary choir but had ADHD so never got invited to the other children’s (so sad) 30years ago so people didn’t know about ADHD so sad

have a wonderful party 🎉