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Original poster

To be heartbroken about a birthday party

447 replies

AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman · 19/07/2023 22:16

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

OP posts:
squooz · 22/07/2023 09:22

YANBU my 16 year old ASD son has been invited to maybe 4 parties over the course of his school life and was massively excited about each of them. Luckily they tend to have mini celebrations in school which he considers his party. We don’t do them ourselves because his cohort find group situations outside of school severely challenging as they’ve got older. When he was younger we managed a few years of bowling / trampoline / soft play parties where we all co existed in the same space for an hour or so and it was nice for the parents to be together. As they get bigger there are less places like this that we can access that can cater to group activities for our young people with extra young hearts 😍

Ilovecleaning · 22/07/2023 09:25

AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman · 19/07/2023 22:16

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

Don’t cry. Be glad you are giving them something they have never had before 🌺

Beautiful3 · 22/07/2023 10:05

I've worked as a TA supporting disabled/special needs students. It's because they go to school as a minority, and they're not accepted fully by the able bodied children. They don't play with them, nor invite them to parties. I worked at a special school and they all accepted each other and invited each other for parties. I think the key is for more specialist primary schools there's only 2 here in my large city. The waiting lists are 100+ to get in them.

Original poster
AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman · 22/07/2023 11:45

sarah419 · 22/07/2023 08:38

this is why parents should invite the whole class. often not everyone will come but it makes sure everyone is included! it’s the adults’ responsibility to be inclusive - that will ensure their children do the same as they get older. The event doesn’t need to be expensive - a simple meet at the local playground + snacks and cake is all kids want.

I think you’re right. A playground party is a bit hostage to the weather but it’s very cheap and achievable to have birthday cake/cupcakes, a few balloons and a play at the playground when the children are, say, 5. More playgrounds now, thankfully, have some accessible equipment and even sensory areas.

OP posts:
Stopcomplainingandsortit · 22/07/2023 12:27

Chin up!! They don't need to see you cry, although I would be!! Take lots and lots of photos, try and get everyone in enjoying their day, then print them out to give to the parents in a thank you card!!
Also I hope your party is the first of all the ones in his class OP. These kids deserve to be partied out big style.

Igmum · 22/07/2023 13:48

This is wonderful. Sending love and I hope they all have a wonderful time. DD has mild SEN and I hear you on the parties front, but we used to always have one for her and she loved it.

LunaNorth · 22/07/2023 14:09

I can’t wait to hear how this goes! Hope everyone has a ball!

Mountainpika · 22/07/2023 14:33

Best thread here. Wonderful!

Brokendaughter · 22/07/2023 15:35

Please remember, even if one of the kids gets too overwhelmed & doesn't end up actually going to the party, they will still treasure the memory that they were invited.

Your childs party is already a massive success.

Might be worth (if you can) slipping into conversation that if one of the other kids had a party in the future, you'd love to attend.
If parents have had the horrible 'nobody turns up' experience, it can really knock their confidence to try again.
It is easy to think it works for someone else because they are somehow more popular when really, they are just like you.

PeachyPeachTrees · 22/07/2023 18:20

This gave me goose bumps. I'm sure they will enjoy it and hopefully other parents will do the same. I'd love to hear how it went.

Libraview · 22/07/2023 20:24

Watched my child get smaller every year watching parents hand out invites, it does matter but you can't change it. Parents pick children of parents they want to be friends with - have heard it described as 'selected families'. Before diagnosis my child was known for getting into trouble and you can't take that back. One day the tribe will come I do believe that until then school time is not something fun for everyone

Chappers001 · 22/07/2023 20:51

My son never gets invited to parties, he's 6, autistic, preverbal, but in mainstream school and is very friendly and popular. Idk why no one invites him. Maybe as he's preverbal the other parents aren't sure of how to take him? Anyway, he doesn't notice it yet so I hope they will start inviting him over the next year or two 🤞

TimeIhadaNameChange · 22/07/2023 22:09

How did the party go, @AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman ? Hope everyone had a great time and you're managing to relax now.

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 23/07/2023 07:29

My daughter is in special school she is autistic non verbal with significant learning disability, I invited her whole class 5 other children to her 6th birthday party it was in a sensory room I hired , none of them were able to come. Because of nature of the disability (all autistic) I was gutted, she wouldn't have cared or noticed as she has limited understanding of her surroundings. So I'm not sure if I will do another one. I still hired the room just my family came instead. She enjoyed herself but it still made me a bit sad. I know the other parents didn't do it to be mean.

USSDefiant · 23/07/2023 07:31

Well I'm crying now too ❤️

Tilllly · 23/07/2023 07:44

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 23/07/2023 07:29

My daughter is in special school she is autistic non verbal with significant learning disability, I invited her whole class 5 other children to her 6th birthday party it was in a sensory room I hired , none of them were able to come. Because of nature of the disability (all autistic) I was gutted, she wouldn't have cared or noticed as she has limited understanding of her surroundings. So I'm not sure if I will do another one. I still hired the room just my family came instead. She enjoyed herself but it still made me a bit sad. I know the other parents didn't do it to be mean.

I'm so sad and sorry to hear that

Could you talk to the parents beforehand and try again?

Ange211 · 23/07/2023 08:40

Hope your son and his friends have the BEST day 🎂🎈🎁🎉

Dontjudgeme101 · 23/07/2023 08:58

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 23/07/2023 07:29

My daughter is in special school she is autistic non verbal with significant learning disability, I invited her whole class 5 other children to her 6th birthday party it was in a sensory room I hired , none of them were able to come. Because of nature of the disability (all autistic) I was gutted, she wouldn't have cared or noticed as she has limited understanding of her surroundings. So I'm not sure if I will do another one. I still hired the room just my family came instead. She enjoyed herself but it still made me a bit sad. I know the other parents didn't do it to be mean.

I am really sorry to hear that. I am glad that your family came to celebrate instead. 💐💐

LunaNorth · 23/07/2023 09:01

This thread is making me wonder if there’s any mileage in starting a MN Party Club.

Meet-up groups, play dates and birthday parties for children in the local area who might otherwise be socially isolated.

It’s the germ of an idea.

Freckles978 · 23/07/2023 10:35

Sounds amazing!!!

Make sure to have enough food for everyone, party bags for the kids, enough cake for everyone, different activities for the kids, then the rest will be golden!!!

Make sure you have fun!!!

Howsimplywonderful · 23/07/2023 10:42

The loveliest thing about these parties is the lack of judgement and the camaraderie for the parents

The parents may well get as much from the party as the kids

squooz · 23/07/2023 10:46

Howsimplywonderful · 23/07/2023 10:42

The loveliest thing about these parties is the lack of judgement and the camaraderie for the parents

The parents may well get as much from the party as the kids

This 🤗

viques · 23/07/2023 10:57

Logging in for the update. Hope it was a great day for you all.

Vapes1 · 23/07/2023 15:36

Just place marking in the hope OP comes back and updates about the party :)

Original poster
AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman · 23/07/2023 16:40

Hi all- well, the party happened yesterday and it was a pretty big success. DS certainly had a great time, and we just got rain right at the end so it didn’t interrupt much apart from eating cake, which was ok inside. We didn’t do half of what I had planned. With another go I think I could be snappier.

I think all his friends had a good time. One girl sat near, but not in, the ‘quiet area’ for everything except pass the parcel. One boy wore his ear defenders for the rest of the party after I convinced him to do the Hokey Cokey, which felt pointed but probably wasn’t 😂 I think several probably didn’t eat anything at all but socialised quite nicely during the food part. They honestly seemed like a great bunch, really pleasant and polite. I can’t imagine what could have seemed so off putting about hosting any of them.

OP posts: