To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

YANBU. What a beautiful person you are ❤️

Please make sure that child wins something amazing in pass the parcel and they all go home with something to treasure in their party bags. How wonderful are you hosting x

I remember my child’s first ever non family party aged 8
i hope you have a wonderful time and so do all the children
xxxx

I commented on page 5 I think - but reading all the updates I'm just horrified. As I said earlier - our school tended to have whole class parties so DS wasn't excluded until much older - and that was when they started being smaller events. I'm hearing so many awful stories about children going to mainstream primaries and never being invited to anything - it's heartbreaking!

How can parents be so awful? I get they may be slightly nervous if a child seems a bit different, but early years the parents always stay anyway. I was probably the only parent still there at Year 3/4/5 parties, but at least we were invited. (We did have to leave early the day DS launched himself off the stage in the village hall and had suspected concussion.......😮).

I did also have to take DC home from a few parties when he was young and overwhelmed. I also took him out and drove him round for a while after an aggressive incident with another ASD child at a party when he was about 7 (DD was still at the party) but I removed him before it could affect the rest of the party. Them's the breaks.

Young kids don't care who is at their party, so for big dos it must be the parents discriminating.

It's a bit different in later years. We did have one boy who was often horrible to DS, and we dithered for ages about inviting him to our whole class party in Year 5, but in the end we did as it didn't seem right to exclude only one child. (Several were unkind occasionally in later years, where do you stop? But DS would have rather he was not invited and I was tempted, but think he had issues of his own going on.......)

But never to be invited to anything, throughout primary years? So utterly sad, and so avoidable, surely?

I feel like I want to organise a big party for them all and I don't even have kids!

Please update us how it goes :)

Sending lots of birthday wishes and fun for everyone!
i say make a regular party event for them all- make up for lost times

sod those who never invited them.

i hope they have such a good time they talk about it for ages afterwards and giggle.

good for you OP x

I totally get you. My son has down syndrome, I know the beauty and the joy and the tears too. I hope you and your ds and all his friends have the time of their lives.

I hope the party is amazing for all the kids. I can’t imagine excluding any kids, Dd has a classmate with significant disabilities and he’s always invited to everything, he misses a lot because of health issues but all the kids and parents always make sure to include him as much as possible, lovely kid.

As a sen mummy this broke my heart a little bit. Having been the parent of the child not to get invited or needing more support. Well done for providing what they need regardless of age. I hope you all have a super time!

I really hope the Party goes well, @AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman ..yes, your opening post brought a lump to my throat as well.

Kids can be terribly cruel sometimes.

Especially ignoring and not inviting anyone not deemed 'Cool'.

There was a shocking Play on the TV {available online} about this theme ''Good and bad at games''..It resonated with many people.

Merci beaucoup @EconomyClassRockstar.

Please don’t cry. ‘Ow you say, no sweat.

What a wonderful post about your party, I hope all the kids enjoy it immensely and have the best memories. What a wonderful right to possibly some wrongs. Have a blast!

i think maybe the thought of organising a party might have been a bit overwhelming for other parents but maybe now you have then it might encourage other parents to do the same.My DS attended special school and he still sees his friends from there and he’s 33 now! Bet they have a great time!

My son has just turned 12 years old. He's only ever been invited to one birthday party. He's Autistic, non verbal, has a genetic duplication, learning disabilities and epilepsy. The only birthday party he ever went to was at an indoor trampoline place for a classmates birthday. It was difficult for him as it was loud, but he enjoyed his time there and we left before it became too much.
He has a cousin of a very similar age who lives close by. He's never been invited to his cousin's birthday parties. Despite me inviting him to our house every year for my son's small family get togethers.
It's honestly so heartbreaking.
Please, please, people for the love of our children, send us the invite and let us decide if our kids will cope or not. I promise you if it becomes too much, we'll remove them from the situation.

This has just made me cry! I hope your son and his friends have the BEST time.

There is a child in my DS class who has ASD, her parents are looking at a non mainstream school as she is struggling, but she’s always on the top of the party list for all of the parties! The kids adore her, and as parents we have all made sure that our kids always include her. My DS loves just sitting with her sometimes when she needs a bit of space, he has a lot of questions about her ASD and we try and answer them in a way he will understand (he’s 6), hopefully other parents start to do this and realise that kids with additional needs aren’t something to be worried about!

Please let us know how the party goes and sending birthday wishes to your son!

Aaaw this is so sad I hope your son and all his friends have the best time it will definitely be something these kids will remember forever.

You could maybe chat to the parents about arranging regular get togethers during school holidays I appreciate it’s difficult trying to arrange a place that’s suitable for everyone but by the sounds of it these kids would absolutely love it.

Thank you for doing that @Stillanothernamechange . That is the sort of thing I wish more parents would do- I recognise it takes courage the first time if you are unsure about needs, but one extra guest is usually a very negligible extra amount of work. I hope your party goes well today x

This post made me well up.

I’m currently in the process of organising my NT kid’s 7th birthday party and I’ve been moaning about the faff and expense and the people who don’t RSVP.

This has given me a right kick up the arse to stop taking all this stuff for granted.

I hope you and your son and all his friends have the most wonderful day💜

It is for this reason that we had a whole class party for DC. It meant no one was excluded, if they wanted to come they were welcome. Have a great party OP.

It is sad, I agree.

But I hope they all have a wonderful time at the party, they deserve it!

YANBU to have your heart break at this.

DS almost 15, and has never been invited to a friends birthday party, because no one in his small class of 7 kids from his SN school have ever had one; including him because I absolutely couldn’t go through the heartbreak of no one coming.

That’s excluding the family ones where the ‘hosts’ would only invite him as a very small child so as they don’t get spoken about by other family members, these ‘pity’ invites stopped once they could pass it off as ‘oh I didn’t think DS would want to come’ blah blah blah. What makes it worse is that it had a knock on effect to no invites for DS8, because heaven forbid I might also bring a boy taller that myself who will get more excited than even the toddlers in attendance.

Do you know what though anyone experiencing this kind of thing and their kids not fitting at primary it’s amazing how once they are at secondary there are so many more children that they find people like them.
My son has finished y7 today and has a lovely little group of friends he only had one good friend at primary and regularly got left out when everyone else wanted to play football.
I’ve been told this is quite common.
on a slightly different note I know how you feel we had a party for my 7 year old and he invited a little girl who was in foster care.
it was the first birthday party she’d ever been to including never having had one herself. She had such a wonderful time was so lovely but so sad at the same time.

Please do let us know how it goes, I bet all the kids are super excited.

Wish I understood what you meant by this. Where are these areas that are faultlessly inclusive? I have to say, as a parent of a disabled child, exclusion can be found everywhere.

This has made me smile and cry my DS (now 19) has physical disabilities and attended mainstream school, as his disabilities deteriorated, he got invited to less and less, as theses parties where held in trampoline or high ropes/climbing type places.
He became more isolated as he went through school and only has a small group of people he is friendly with and only one close friend (lockdown didn’t help this as he was shielding as he has heart and lung problems)
He is really close to his DS and DB and cousins but they all have their own social groups and he doesn’t want to be a tag along he says he loves his own company but it just makes me sad.

On one occasion in first year at grammar school he was invited to a friend’s house he wasn’t long out of hospital but wanted to go when I dropped him off the mum was so good and when I started explain any emergency things she stopped me talking and said I’m a nurse he will be fine so go home and rest I cried and hugged her it was such a relief

Another occasion the mum took him and a few others out separately to the cinema on another day after the activity party it was very considerate.

So as a mum of a superhero I thank you