To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

Made me cry my eyes out reading this. You sound lovely and I hope your son and all his friends have a wonderful time.

Both my DS have moderate/severe learning difficulties. When my youngest started at special school age 4 we had a party for his fifth birthday. Had parents ringing me in tears as they'd had zero invites at nursery.

We had one for him at nursery. Got there and first thing a parent said to me is 'I've heard all about (name).' Marvellous

A lovely thread and I hope they all have a wonderful time at the party. I did have a wee lump in my throat reading that.

This hurt my heart! I hope they all have a wonderful time, please come back and let us know how it went.

Oh my gosh that make me burst into tears it really did

im like this when I read kids who’ve had no one turn up etc to theirs.

There is a sentence that said something like that one unexpected kind act will lead to another.
Kids will enjoy the party and who knows maybe next year some of those parents give it a try.

Why are people so horrible? They’re children! DD1’s best friend at primary was a little boy with autism. We invited him to her sixth birthday party, his Mum cried on the phone, asked if we were sure, and said he had never been invited to a party before, even an all class party. He couldn’t have gluten, so we had a gluten free party so that he could eat party food and birthday cake, rather than have a sad little separate box of food.

I hope your DS has a fab party.

hope your son has a great time my little one is also at a specialist school and we normally send in a cake and treats,goodlie bags and party stuff. Its lovely because he gets to celebrate with classmates.

Oh op, I thought this thread was going to start a completely different way.
I hope they all have a fabulous party, it sounds like it will be a big milestone for the parents as much as the DC's. Like others have said I'm looking forward to the update

That post made me so sad.

We had a party last year and did class invite, including 2 of the SEN children in the class. Both politely declined due to being too overwhelmed, but they still got party bags, cake and gifts from the birthday child - because they are still my DC's friend!

Would not occur to me to not invite someone - ever. Yes they may decline but surely they should always be invited - that's how I feel anyhow

I hope your son has a lovely party - and also the lovely child who has been invited for the first time ever
honestly i need to wipe a tear when i read that bit

You and your son sound lovely ,he is very lucky to have you behind him ,your words are very poignant.
I hope this party is the best ever ! and everyone of those children have a whale of a time .

You have done a really good thing. I hope everyone has a wonderful and unforgettable time.

My DD has ASD traits and as such she doesn’t have friends so she doesn’t get invited nor does she meet the threshold for sympathy invites and the ‘look at us being inclusive’ invites so she never got any invites despite me having parties every year for her, people never reciprocated

Best wishes for a great time. My friend has a DC with autism who is excluded far too often. When DC were young we had a lot of small parties - Easter, Christmas, Halloween, end of term, etc - with a big reason to include. Re-usable bunting, burgers, ice cream and toppings, some games - it was not a big commitment. It is definitely worth having lots of small parties in addition to the birthdays.

Aww I had tears in my eyes reading this! Please let us know how the party went. I hope u have a wonderful time. Are u having an entertainer? I used a “Mrs tumble” entertainer for my 4 year old years ago. She was amazing! So she dressed as a lady version of mr tumble and did bubbles and other sensory games. Hope the kids have so much fun

Well, this shows what a special contribution YOU are making to other people's lives. How kind.

Happy birthday to your DS. I hope him and his pals have a great day.

I'm not crying, you are

Have a wonderful time. You did a good thing

This is a really positive outcome and maybe a boost for other families to network and organise a together or two during the summer break.

That’s so poignant to read. I hope everyone has a lovely party.

I suppose parenting kids with additional needs can be so tiring that not everyone has the energy to be arranging parties. I hope yours is such a roaring success that it triggers a wave of similar events!

Wishing your son the happiest of birthdays 🎂 🥳

It sounds brilliant and I'm sure all the kids will have a fantastic time. 😀

The short answer is because children can be cruel and don’t want the different kid at their party. My daughter had this constantly and on her 18th didn’t leave the house it breaks my heart.

How lovely please keep us updated.

😭😭 sobbing

The part about this being the first party this boy has been invited too made tears come to my eyes.
I worry the same will happen to DS. He's only 3 but children from toddlers and preschool have had parties and he's not been invited. He doesn't care yet, thought he's non verbal so maybe he does. He doesn't notice and doesn't engage with opening presents but it might change.
I hope your son and his friends have a brilliant time and make lovely memories.

This made me teary! The party will go great, many more to come and his classmate will always remember the first party he got invited to 😊