To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

Let us know how it goes OP!

have a wonderful day everyone!

Awwww mate how awesome, tears 😭 here. My DB now 60 with LD and went to a special school has never had an invite anywhere outside the family. I am glad that, at least some people, are now more accepting.

I hope they have the time of their lives xx

Don't be sad, be joyous that your son's invitation has brought such excitement to other people. Now that boy has had an invitation, he no longer has never been invited to anything. Maybe now, other parents may not be so nervous of hosting a party (a stressful event for any parent!) and more invitations will follow, but even if they don't, you can smile at the fact that yours has brought so much happiness xx

Yanbu. I’m sure they will all have a wonderful time and don’t let it cloud your happiness of his party!

As a single mum to 2 DC with additional needs this is a message to all parents planning a party and unsure whether to invite my DC. Yes please please invite them, tell me you're unsure about it and I'll happily answer any and all questions you have. I'll hang around and be another adult helper, I'll make it as easy as possible for you so that my DC attending is no different to any other kids you've invited, no you don't have to change all your plans to accommodate my DC just crack on and plan whatever your DC wants it's their party after all and I'll make any adjustments if necessary discreetly so my DC can enjoy it the same as all the other kids. Being ignored and left out is massively more upsetting than being asked what you might think is a rude question.
OP I hope all the children have an amazing time at the party and that you've factored in some time to relax and recharge after!

It's going to be a great day OP - hard work, yes - but fab for the children and a good opportunity for mums and dads to mingle too🎂

My Ds2 has SEN.

He went through a stage of loving a particular party entertainer (saw him the first time when he was politely invited as a sibling to a friend of DS1’s party, I was stuck for childcare so took him thinking it would be a challenge).

So for a few years running we had a party in a church hall with this entertainer and invited loads of the SEN kids from DS2’s school.

Not only was it the only invite most of them ever got, they learnt it would be the same (exactly the same lol!) every year which gave them more confidence every year to come again and to gradually enjoy more of it.

He’s grown out of it all now (he’s 15) but we all look back fondly on those few parties they could all enjoy.

And kudos to the entertainer who adapted his programme for them, then kept it the same!

well done to you and good luck with the party, I’m sure it will be brilliant!

That’s so bittersweet. I’m so pleased that you’re making so many children happy (and hope that your son has the best birthday!), but it’s so sad that these children have been excluded so far.

Thank you for reminding me how important it is to raising children who understand the importance of inclusion and ask parents how to accommodate their children .

Aw OP, your party is already a success.

It's so sad to read that these children are normally excluded from parties, I don't understand why they cannot be invited and the invitee ask their parents if they would either stay or what suggestions they have for making sure the children are not overwhelmed.

This sums it up:

As a single mum to 2 DC with additional needs this is a message to all parents planning a party and unsure whether to invite my DC. Yes please please invite them, tell me you're unsure about it and I'll happily answer any and all questions you have. I'll hang around and be another adult helper, I'll make it as easy as possible for you so that my DC attending is no different to any other kids you've invited, no you don't have to change all your plans to accommodate my DC just crack on and plan whatever your DC wants it's their party after all and I'll make any adjustments if necessary discreetly so my DC can enjoy it the same as all the other kids. Being ignored and left out is massively more upsetting than being asked what you might think is a rude question.

Oh bless you @AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman , all the love in the world from me to you for making so many kids so very happy! So touching!

I’m blubbing at your post, the party will be great and they will have the best time ever x

Yep my son is in 6th form sen and has never been invited to a child’s party but it’s not the done thing . We have a birthday party for him but just family it’s very hard to organise so well done op . You op has made we feel emotional.
we went to dc prom this week and to see all the kids dancing and loving it so happy made me very emotional because it just made me happy to see them all happy .

How lovely and heartwarming. Hope your DS and friends have a wonderful time.

Yes thats heartbreaking :( Bless him!!!

This thread has surprised me in the best way. I'm sure you're doing a perfect job of party planning, and that they all have a wonderful time.

I hope they and you and your ds have a wonderful time.

Having a tiny cry reading this. What a wonderful thing for you to do. I hope your lovely boy gets invitations to other parties now you've been brave and the other mums can see it is possible❤️

It only takes one parent to be brave to start including to be come the norm in a year group. We moved country the class my child joined had been at school 18mth the child with Downs syndrome had been a school longer I think but not sure, he had never had a invite. My daughter didn't want the whole class but did want "Matty" it was a clip and climb party. My daughter sent the invites and all the children were excited Matty was coming but as his mum was working his after school carer was coming to. To cut a long story short Matty ended up being given a free go on the big slide and the whole party stopped to cheer him on. When he had done it he was the party hero they were hy five him and telling him he was so brave they couldn't do that. All totally prompted. But as well as that the few kids left to have parties that year all invited him.

Happy 12th birthday to your DS! Hoping he and his friends have an amazing party!

Know how you feel. Whilst not exactly the same, my son hasn’t been invited to a party since nursery. He’s now 9. COViD has its part to play but he’s had small parties since and his friends have had small parties too but he wasn’t invited. Heartbreaking when he said that “Friend is my best friend but I guess I’m not his”. Can’t help but feel sad and worry that somehow I’ve done something wrong as I’m not part of the mums group 😢

Not the subject of the post but I have never ever had a birthday party.

I do worry about this with my youngest, she has Down Syndrome, is absolutely the sweetest happiest little soul, and I am so excited about her making her first little friends and being invited to parties, but at the same time so nervous and so terrified she will be left out...we all have these fears as parents but when your child has to already fight for so much that others take for granted, the normality of a birthday invite can be the absolute most monumental thing ever. Your boy deserves to have the most wonderful amazing day, and so do you! <3

I’m so looking forward to an update. Have a lovely day!

Just another parent of SEN DC saying what a lovely thread. I relate, I sympathise, I worry! I hope it goes really well and I am sure it will.

My DC was at a normal state school from approx age 4-9. Then specific SEN school from age 9-14, then back to a very small MS school age 14-16. So gosh the parties. At state primary all class parties even if shared. After Y2 the exclusions started - normally girls vs boys. That excluded larger numbers of the SEN children. My DC then boarded at the SEN school - at weekends they couldn't cope with going away from the family home. They mostly chose not to attend, despite being included and invited. We did do 1 party at home - possibly Year 6 and invited the new and old friends. It was lovely - themed to my DC interest. I invited whole families. No dads could be bothered to come. The able girls from DC primary were beyond the activities. But it was fun.

After their move back home to a more local school no parties, but lots of social media inclusion/exclusions. I dont understand how parents let their DC behave like this. Mine has now moved to college and we are starting to see a more normal behaviour pattern of socialisation.

Wishing you all an amazing time - it’s going to be epic! it’s so sad for those who have never had a party invite. Made me well up a little.