The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

I also had the 'cheer up love' comment while sitting in the airport departures lounge. I completely ignored him and continued to hide behind my sunglasses. I got a muttered 'snooty cow' for my lack of joy at having had the pearl of wisdom shared with me. I was waiting for an emergency flight home having been told just an hour earlier that my dad had died.

What I hate are the "no shit, Sherlock" comments from random men who presume that their penis makes them experts on things they know fuck all about.

"oh be careful, dear, there's water in the ford, you might get stuck!"

"Uh. I'm local so I obviously know that, and I'm in a Defender. You're in a little hatchback. Maybe you want to re-think which one of us is going to cope better with a little bit of flooding, mate?"

I'm pretty sure your penis doesn't make your car amphibious...

Why oh why do they think they deserve our time and energy? Just why???

@ravenmum

As a man I think you're overthinking it As a woman, in my experience the problem is mainly with men underthinking it.

I agree with that - I am absolutely certain that many men say many thoughtless, stupid and bigoted things without realizing it (and some do it deliberately, and quite possibly more than I imagine)

@ravenmum

As a man I think you're overthinking it As a woman, in my experience the problem is mainly with men underthinking it.

Couldn’t agree more.

Just shows how little men think about this and that they have some kind of right to do it.

@BlackSwan

Also random men stopping to check that my reverse parking efforts don't result in me bumping a stranger's car. Or offering hand gestures to tell me how close I am. Really - fuck off.

My old next door neighbour used to do it to me - I had to get out of the car and tell him to fuck off because he was distracting me and making it harder for me to park without hitting the other cars.

I fucking hate men "helping" me to park. I could park a bloody tractor and agricultural trailer in there, I don't need your bloody help

@BrightYellowDaffodil

As a man I think you're overthinking it.

As a man I don't think it's your place to comment on how women should or shouldn't feel. It's certainly not your place to be a patronising arse, which is what your 'overthinking' comment is.

Thank you for this.

The other thing I think men often underestimate is the fear that women have of not smiling along and appeasing the random comment man. Because it can quickly turn into “miserable bitch”or worse if we don’t play along. As a first year uni student I was pinned into the window seat on a train by a drunk man who just started out “being friendly”, telling me I should “smile”. We’ve been well trained in this since leaving primary school.

and some do it deliberately, and quite possibly more than I imagine
That's what we've been talking about on this thread, all along.
Eye-opening for you, I'm sure.

@BlackSwan

Also random men stopping to check that my reverse parking efforts don't result in me bumping a stranger's car. Or offering hand gestures to tell me how close I am. Really - fuck off.

Actully thinking about it it was always men who did the dramatic waving you across in front of their car in traffic - which would have meant I'd be stood with young children in middle of road with two lanes of moving traffic which was hardly safe.

Politely declining they'd often still insist - getting visibly annoyed with me - and few times I'd have to walk further down the road to wait cross the road safely. I think DH only experinced that out with me and the kids never by himself with the kids.

I have far, far more aggressive female strangers being abusive to me. Normally over my disabled child. I dont think any man has ever questioned me using disabled facilities or my childs appearance or behavior but I have had more univitedaggresive comments from females than I can count on my fingers and toes

This is a completely different thing to what the OP is referring to. I'd suggest this is about judginess and parenting smugness, and it's not the same as the passive aggressive comments from men about how we look, what we wear, what we eat.

@Battleneck of course you're a man. It's all "just making conversation" innit? The point is that it's not making conversation. It's men (and it is ALWAYS men) who think that their opinion on what I am wearing or eating or doing is valid and justified and who don't give a flying F* about whether they have any right to such opinions or to what might else be going on.

Making conversation is, "Ooh, I love the muffins here, have you tried the lemon ones?". It's not, "Oh, you're going to get fat if you eat that". When last did you hear a man say to another man (stranger) in a pub.... "having another pint mate? Surely that's not great for the waistline?"

And before you come back with, "ooh, me and my friends rib each other about weight all the time at the pub" I'd like to point out that random man is NOT friends with the woman whose weight he is commenting on.

"You know your doctor says that's bad for you!" When I was buying a chocolate bar at a store

As a man I think you're overthinking it. I think that for most men it would be entirely innocent, and that they would underestimate the potential for it to embarrass or fluster. And overestimate their wit, and underestimate the potential for certain things to be misogynistic or otherwise inappropriate.

Obviously some men must do it for power or impress mates reasons, or to deliberately fluster. Maybe they're the ones doing the vast majority of commenting, or the vast majority of the offensive commenting.

Phew, thank goodness a man has turned up to explain to us all how we're not thinking correctly.

1. I expressed my opinion that the person who I was replying to was overthinking it

2. men who presume that their penis makes them experts on things they know fuck all about

These two comments sit very well together, particularly when it comes to men suggesting they know how women are/should be thinking, and how little they understand how women's experiences (of which they have no experience, what with being a man and all) affect women.

I so identify with this thread and need that brooch mentioned by PP. I have a very defined jaw, which makes me look like i am gritting my teeth all the time. Been dealing with "smile love, it may never happen" comments from men for years ( or the equivalent). Has got a little better as I have gotten older, but had a man say this to me recently when I was sitting in a cafe and reading the news of a friend's death due to Covid. I regret I didn't tell him to fuck off, but I was so taken aback.

Humans can be social creatures, but we also know that there are plenty who do not want to be bothered or want some strangers random comments on something that has nothing to do with them or their business.

Exactly this. Doesn't mean I am incapable of functioning in society and should stay in my house.

My reply and so will you if you eat it

@DismantledKing

As a man I think you're overthinking it. I think that for most men it would be entirely innocent, and that they would underestimate the potential for it to embarrass or fluster. And overestimate their wit, and underestimate the potential for certain things to be misogynistic or otherwise inappropriate.

Don’t be so fucking ridiculous.

You genuinely believe that most times men make comments about weight or smiling they are deliberately trying to hurt or exert power over women?

You might be right. Maybe the percentage of men like this is higher than I imagine, and maybe they're the ones doing the vast majority of the "talking to strangers" thing. I would have thought that most are just clueless idiots, not outright scum, but maybe I'm wrong.

I'm actually quite annoyed now. And it's reminding me of a similar, but different situation I recently experienced. I run my own, quite successful, small business. While on holiday, I had to inevitably respond to a few emails etc and asked one supplier to please send me some information ahead of my return so that I could action it as soon as I got back. To which he patronisingly told me "not to worry about it and it can be dealt with when you get back" and, obviously, did not send me the information (which I then had to request again on my return). And honestly, I just don't think a random supplier would EVER basically refuse to send information to the person paying them if it was a man. But I bet him and other men would think he was just being considerate.

@FeedMeSantiago

When I was 17 and en route to my school friend's funeral a man came up to me and did the 'cheer up love, it might never happen' thing. I gave him an earful that I was off to a funeral for a 17 year old which is very unlike me but I'm glad I did. I hope he learned a lesson that day and never did it again.

Did he apologise?

I am surrounded by too many men. I have my FIL, BIL, dad, DB's, nephews, and my own son's. I even have male dogs. There are loads of them and they are all hard work. I've thought long and hard about this and whilst I love my DH, if it came to an end tomorrow, I don't think I would bother with another man. I'd rather have lots of friends. If I became single tomorrow, I wouldn't "need" another man. I have my own money and I've had my DC. I just do not have any room in my life for another male. They literally suck the lifeblood from you. My SIL recently met a new guy and I just can't bring myself to have a relationship with him as in inviting him over or ask him any questions. He seems nice enough but I just do not have any room in my life for another man.

The reason why I am saying all this is because this has led me to go about my business just ignoring/ don't make eye contact/ not interacting with other men. I practised it for a while, then it started to come naturally. As a result, I don't really notice comments or care. It has been very liberating.

brokenbiscuitsx and all others:

Take the point about the 'watch your weight' type of BS. But do you in principle dislike all unsolicited comments from strangers? Think how much less human interaction they'd be, how much duller the world would be, if our only utterances were to people we don't know were purely functional.

A while ago - dog walking, a recurrent theme here - I came across a bloke who I acknowledged by saying a flat hello to but when I passed him again he did the classic 'smile, love' and I nearly lost it! I do not have to arrange my facial expression to suit you, fuckwit. He absolutely would not have said that to a male stranger.

It's absolutely an overbearing/inappropriate male thing and doesn't depend on your youth or looks always (middle aged gal, me). It's deeply ingrained entitled sexist shit which they mistake for flirting or being friendly or 'helpful', God help us.

I run quite a lot and am flabbergasted at how many men will literally interrupt my run to ask me something or comment on some way. I run with earphones and try to avoid eye contact, but nevertheless some entitled tossers are persistent enough that I slow/stop to see if they're having some sort of emergency, or are alerting me to something important. They never are. They're just rude twats. I would bet a million pounds that they wouldn't do it to a male runner.

You genuinely believe that most times men make comments about weight or smiling they are deliberately trying to hurt or exert power over women?

No, they're doing it because they instinctively and deep down already believe they have power over women and that their opinions are therefore valid no matter how irrelevant they are or how little they know about a situation and a woman. They don't need to think, "I should exert power" because the very fact they're doing it is based on the belief that it is their RIGHT to say and do whatever they like and that women should listen and obey.