The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

@Battleneck I have never, ever had a woman tell me to smile to make her happy. Why are men so oblivious to boundaries and women apparently conscious of them?

@grapewine

Humans can be social creatures, but we also know that there are plenty who do not want to be bothered or want some strangers random comments on something that has nothing to do with them or their business.

Exactly this. Doesn't mean I am incapable of functioning in society and should stay in my house.

I would argue that the sorts of people who should stay at home are -

Men who make obnoxious comments
Men who make pleasant but pointless comments and then can't take the hint that no interraction is wanted
Women who can't handle any comment under any circumstance.

Orianthi is a female virtuoso guitarist, has played with a lot of famous big names in music including Micheal Jackson, but is a pretty blonde woman who looks quite young. There was a fan page for her I looked at on social media with clips of her playing at home or backstage, and there were blokes in the comments who didn't know who she was giving her their sage wisdom on how this or that amp or strings would make her sound better. I think there's a paternalistic element to this, men seeing us as incompetent and needing their guidance even on things they know nothing about. Sometimes it's bad flirting, sometimes entitlement, thinking that women should be grateful and giggly over any kind of attention they give us, other times it's just plain intimidation.

Comments about a shared music interest if you wear the T shirt are reasonable if done in the right way, the comment about food choices are not.

TiredButDancing spot on.

Not just men, lots from women as well.

Used to get lots of comments on kids, clothes, hair etc.
Shouldn't give them that its not good for them, need sunglasses with that top, hair could do with a brush etc.

Please.

Make it 'thanks for your UNASKED FOR comment, random man'.

@Battleneck You're mansplaining women's experiences to them.

From a man's perspective, he's wolf whistling as that fine ass needs to know she's a fine ass. He's complimenting her.

From a woman's perspective, here's another man trying to sexually objectify her and intimidate her on the street whilst going about her daily business. It's not a complement, it's street harassment. It makes her feel unsafe.

If it's not about power then why aren't these men saying 'cheer up love' 'nice pecks' 'don't eat that, you'll pile on the pounds' - to other men? After all, they're just being friendly.

These aren't conversations, they're comments aimed at a woman going about her day who has shown no desire to speak to him and no interest in him. It's not friendly to the woman.

@JustSaying71

brokenbiscuitsx and all others:

Take the point about the 'watch your weight' type of BS. But do you in principle dislike all unsolicited comments from strangers? Think how much less human interaction they'd be, how much duller the world would be, if our only utterances were to people we don't know were purely functional.

Well, see my comment above on there being less chat in general where I live. Less chat in general means fewer trollish comments, and yes, that is a good thing. But that's not the only way of reducing the number of trollish comments, is it?

@Battleneck
*You genuinely believe that most times men make comments about weight or smiling they are deliberately trying to hurt or exert power over women?

You might be right. Maybe the percentage of men like this is higher than I imagine, and maybe they're the ones doing the vast majority of the "talking to strangers" thing. I would have thought that most are just clueless idiots, not outright scum, but maybe I'm wrong.*

Yeah, you're wrong. It's a fucking power thing. Why are you on here defending this kind of shitty behaviour? Is it because you do it all the time, and you imagine it comes across as funtime banter? Because it really fucking doesn't.

I'd add another word to that, and make it "random insignificant man"

[quote username18702]@Battleneck You're mansplaining women's experiences to them.

From a man's perspective, he's wolf whistling as that fine ass needs to know she's a fine ass. He's complimenting her.

From a woman's perspective, here's another man trying to sexually objectify her and intimidate her on the street whilst going about her daily business. It's not a complement, it's street harassment. It makes her feel unsafe.

If it's not about power then why aren't these men saying 'cheer up love' 'nice pecks' 'don't eat that, you'll pile on the pounds' - to other men? After all, they're just being friendly.

These aren't conversations, they're comments aimed at a woman going about her day who has shown no desire to speak to him and no interest in him. It's not friendly to the woman.[/quote]
Well said. I never see all these "friendly" men telling other men to stay away from the muffins because they know they will get the appropriate response.

Some men unfortunately can't bear for women to be better at them at something, especially if that something is considered a 'male' skill. They feel it undermines them, and so have to reassert their dominance by offering up their 'wisdom', which in reality is a patronising put-down, but offered in a way that is aimed to appear like they were being 'helpful'.

People are very chatty where I am - it's pretty rare to pass someone in the road / paths without exchanging a "good morning" and a polite comment about the weather or their dog / child / horse / garden as appropriate. Obviously this is rural, because it would be hugely tiresome to greet everyone this way in a city centre

It's perfectly possible to have a friendly culture of polite chat without resorting to misogynistic, objectifying bullshit.

As a man I think you're overthinking it. I think that for most men it would be entirely innocent, and that they would underestimate the potential for it to embarrass or fluster. And overestimate their wit, and underestimate the potential for certain things to be misogynistic or otherwise inappropriate.

Thanks for the comment random man.

I don’t care if it is innocent why do I have to put up with them wanting my attention in the first place? I don’t want random strangers to talk to me when I’m busy and then get arsey with me when I don’t want to engage in their shit “banter” (it hurts me to type that word!). Why do they feel entitled to do that? Why don’t they do it to other men?

@TiredButDancing

You genuinely believe that most times men make comments about weight or smiling they are deliberately trying to hurt or exert power over women?

No, they're doing it because they instinctively and deep down already believe they have power over women and that their opinions are therefore valid no matter how irrelevant they are or how little they know about a situation and a woman. They don't need to think, "I should exert power" because the very fact they're doing it is based on the belief that it is their RIGHT to say and do whatever they like and that women should listen and obey.

I honestly think this is overthinking.

I'm in a second hand record shop, and a woman is next to me also browsing. She pulls out a record to take a closer look. I, innocently, say, "l love that record, one of my favourite bands".

As a man I simultaneously know that my opinion is the most important one on earth - my taste is music is both unique and impeccable, so I can say for a fact that everyone else on the planet has worst taste than me, whilst also knowing that the woman in question has zero obligation to give a fuck about me, or my opinion, and whilst having ZERO expectation that my words are going to affect whether she buys the record or not.

I think your last sentence actually cuts to what might be the biggest issue here... your perception that men believe that it is their RIGHT to say and do whatever they like is probably pretty accurate... I suppose what I can't get my head around is that many of them also believe that women should listen and obey, and I also struggle with how many women are unable to shrug it off completely like water off a ducks back - after all why the fuck should any woman listen to any strange man, not least one so utterly clueless that they believe women should obey.

I suppose, in conclusion, your words reflect the main reason I hang out on mumsnet - to be reminded of and learn about the constant sexism that women face.

@leakymcleakleak

Do you have an 'open' kind of face OP? Are you someone people ask for directions? I had a conversation years ago with a group of female friends about general sexual harassment, and was really surprised two of the group had experienced almost nothing, whereas myself and one other person got a lot. The only way I can describe it is both of them have very stern, no-bullshit manners about them, and my friend and I are the kind of people who are described as 'friendly-looking.' Now as it happens I will scream/swear/make a scene as the opportunity requires, but I guess these people have a type they go for that they subconsciously think look more approachable.

I also love 'thank you for your common random man'. Lockdown has provided a blissful release of all these comments, I wonder if as I return to work more aged and haggard they'll have dropped off at all.

I only experience a few comments like this, and it's definitely dropped off as I've aged. So I do think there's something in that - a friend of a friend once said about me "God you wouldn't fuck with Furiosa would you, she looks like she could kill you where you stood" I don't mean I'm muscular, or have LOVE and HATE tattooed on my knuckles. Just a penetrating stare and an absolutely no-bullshit air about me.

On the occasion some twat has tried it, I've found a good phrase:
"Thanks for sharing your opinion, I'll give it all the consideration it deserves. [half second pause] Well, that didn't take long."

"Thanks for your comment, random man" is excellent, I'll definitely store that for future use on the next entitled cunt.

@Taliskerskye

Cunts they are all cunts Thank the lord everyday that you’re not married to one or one isn’t your dad.

And well done for answering back. The stupid cunting cunts

This. 100 times this.

[quote JanFromLaMancha]There's a badge for this! It says 'Thanks random man. Your opinion is noted' I have often thought of getting one! I hope the link works: hoyfc.com/collections/5-pins-for-30/products/thanks-random-man-your-opinion-is-noted-enamel-pin[/quote]
Thank you for introducing me to that website. I might have to treat myself to a Feminist Killjoy badge.

why do I have to put up with them wanting my attention in the first place?

Because you are in public!

I don’t want random strangers to talk to me when I’m busy

It is rude to interrupt strangers when they are clearly busy.

and then get arsey with me when I don’t want to engage in their shit “banter” (it hurts me to type that word!).

That is 100% wrong - no-one is entitled to have strangers respond to their "banter" in a positive way

Why do they feel entitled to do that?

Because patriarchy

Why don’t they do it to other men?

Some do, certainly me.

If it's not about power then why aren't these men saying 'cheer up love' 'nice pecks' 'don't eat that, you'll pile on the pounds' - to other men? After all, they're just being friendly.

Well exactly. If the man in the OP’s example also regularly informs unknown men that their food choices will make them fat, then that’s fine.

But he definitely, definitely doesn’t. And he’d probably get punched if he tried.

Late to the thread, but when in doubt i ask myself:

a) do i think he would have said it to a man?

b) do i think he would he have said it if i'd been with a man?

9 times out of 10 the answer to both is no. That speaks volumes to me.

I'm the wrong side of 45 and comments from men (my own sort of age) don't seem to be dying down.

That makes me wonder about the thinking behind it.

I'm in a second hand record shop, and a woman is next to me also browsing. She pulls out a record to take a closer look. I, innocently, say, "l love that record, one of my favourite bands".

That’s completely different though then telling a stranger what they’re eating is going to make them fat.

This drives me nuts. During lockdown I'd take my two kids to the park each day for our trip out (we don't have a garden). I'd push them both in the double buggy and the final part of the journey before reaching the path was a narrowish pathway with those double staggered gates at the end, the ones designed to stop cyclist speeding through.

Anyway, I pushed the double buggy round these gates every,single.day.

Then one day a man was behind me and as I approached these gates he called out cheerfully "You're never going to get that buggy through there!" It really pissed me off and I smiled back through gritted teeth and said "Yes I am, I do it every day!" and pushed the buggy through, and he just couldn't help himself and called out "Just! You only just made it" and I ignored him and carried on, but wanted to shout "WOULD YOU BE SAYING THIS TO ME IF I WAS A MAN?" but I didn't want to start an altercation in the street with a random man while I had my two toddlers with me.

It really enraged me though.

it was always men who did the dramatic waving you across in front of their car in traffic

Yeah, had that one too. It's like a metaphorical cloak thrown over a puddle so you can step daintily across. Once a white van man did this as I was stood waiting to cross on the central island, nothing behind him and no sense in stopping just a big 'aren't I gallant' show for my delectation. I stood still , treated him to my best sourpuss stare and waved him on. Don't think he liked it!