The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

A man walked past me last week and told me it was much too hot to be wearing a hat hmm. Er, I’m wearing a hat because it is hot...?

Neighbour DGP used to be very PA and walk past us at school gate saying this about DS or that is was stupid to wear a hat as it wasn't that sunny.

DS had a hat on because he suffered terribly with Polymorphic light eruption on his ears causinsg considerable pain at times and a hat prevented it - but he always managed to pick a point when saying anything was difficult - though when DS was visibly upset I managed ignornat twat back - which stopped it for a bit never once did it when DH was with DS.

@Keety

Ugh hate this. I'm approaching my late thirties now so don't get it as much, although it still happens when I'm out running sometimes.

I have never ever had this sort of comment from a woman.

My theory is that it's often a way for the man to feel some kind of power and/or impress their mate/s. It's not overtly offensive in the same way that whistling is but they know that it's something that can sound relatively innocent but has the potential to make the woman feel embarrassed or flustered.

As a man I think you're overthinking it. I think that for most men it would be entirely innocent, and that they would underestimate the potential for it to embarrass or fluster. And overestimate their wit, and underestimate the potential for certain things to be misogynistic or otherwise inappropriate.

Obviously some men must do it for power or impress mates reasons, or to deliberately fluster. Maybe they're the ones doing the vast majority of commenting, or the vast majority of the offensive commenting.

In defence of random comment men, I had two on my run on Sunday. One said 'keep going, it will be worth it' and one said 'you should be in the Olympics'. I didn't mind that they spoke, I reflected that a woman probably wouldn't. They were encouraging not mean. Your comment from random guy was very rude. I guess I am trying to find a balance - I was profoundly affected by something Alan Davies wrote in his recent book (which is about his childhood abuse) that 'no one likes teenage boys' not other teenage boys, not girls, not parents, not teachers, not anyone in the street. He was desperate for approval and acting out and sometimes pissing people off but never getting love and acceptance that he lost when his mum died when he was young. Men in their make-up need status and approval (obvs all men are individual, but biologically power matters to men in evolutionary terms) and I completely agree that women shouldn't have to pander, should speak up or ignore as they wish, and men should learn social skills and be respectful, but I do think that when there's a sex difference like this - we should factor in gazillions of years of male socialisation and the impact of a different biological make-up and not silence everyone at the risk of creating a very dull and disconnected world. But your guy was awful and I love your comeback.

@LadyCatStark

I have a naturally miserable face 😂 and I always get, “smile, it might never happen!”

1. Why would I be wandering through Aldi car park with a huge smile on my face and
2. what if it already has happened?

I have the same face haha.

A few years ago I had just received a phone call with some sad news, I had taken the call outside the pub I was in and as I went back in the bouncer said the whole ‘smile love!’ so I told him the sad news I had just received and he said sorry. Hoping he stopped saying it after that....!

Well done for standing up to them OP.

I had a man shout 'cheer up love!' when I was walking out of a hospital appointment: just been told I would have to be induced as my baby had stopped growing

@Mantlemoose

I see that as harmless banter, one adult to another passing a comment which in their mind is funny, irrespective of whether you think it's funny or not, it certainly wasn't insulting.

Such a lot of knicker twisting on MN....................

You might, plenty of women don't. I'm not inviting comment on my food choices when I buy a muffin and a coffee. I'm not after some lighthearted chit chat when I'm walking with headphones in. I am not a decoration that needs to be encouraged to look happier if I don't meet a random man's expectations of facial expression. I'm not inviting bantz by existing. So while you think it's harmless banter, loads of women think it perpetuates the male entitlement to invade our headspace - and sometimes physics space - with their Oh So Important Opinion.

I think you sound fab OP, well done for being strong and assertive!

I have NEVER, in my 33 years, thought to say to a random man in the street "Youd be much more handsome if you smiled!"

I just don't get it. What goes through their minds?

As a man I think you're overthinking it.

As a man I don't think it's your place to comment on how women should or shouldn't feel. It's certainly not your place to be a patronising arse, which is what your 'overthinking' comment is.

and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

That’s extremely presumptuous! Mahogany m a woman and man have struck up the same conversation out of genuine interest. Not looking to ‘catch you out’, or with any other hidden agenda. So to presume this would be the case just because it’s a man I find extremely odd and I wouldn’t wonder that anyone, man or woman would be taken aback by your reaction.

Also random men stopping to check that my reverse parking efforts don't result in me bumping a stranger's car. Or offering hand gestures to tell me how close I am.
Really - fuck off.

@HoppingPavlova

and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

That’s extremely presumptuous! Mahogany m a woman and man have struck up the same conversation out of genuine interest. Not looking to ‘catch you out’, or with any other hidden agenda. So to presume this would be the case just because it’s a man I find extremely odd and I wouldn’t wonder that anyone, man or woman would be taken aback by your reaction.

It's the "then" that makes it come over as a challenge.

I'm with you. They're not really random, though, at least the 'fat' one isn't; it's just fucking rude.

YANBU OP, and I like your response.

I used to get ‘cheer up love’ as my neutral expression looks furious/miserable. Not so much now that I’m middle aged.

I have also had ‘don’t eat that, you’ll get fat!’ Both times it came from a significantly overweight man. I am not remotely overweight (not that it makes a difference; they shouldn’t say it to anyone). On one of those occasions, I couldn’t think of a decent comeback so I panicked, beamed at him enthusiastically and said: ‘Oh I DO hope so!’ and then helped myself to another portion.

As a comeback it doesn’t make sense, I realise, but it was very enjoyable to see the confusion on his face.

@Battleneck it depends on the comment. Some may just be being friendly, but I find it hard to believe that a man yelling 'Cheer up love, it might never happen' is innocently thinking he's being helpful.

@brokenbiscuitsx, ...missing the point maybe ... but I really like heartbreaker too :) But the lyrics/theme are a bit ...

As a man I think you're overthinking it

I think it's a form of mansplaining - assuming that they know more about your life/situation than you do. I assume that was why in similar situations I'd get comments and DH doesn't.

Sometimes it's an awkward attempt to start a conversation - but it's usually obvious in the social content/body language that's what's meant.

YANBU and i'm going to be using your 'thanks for the comment random man' quote in future.

Just the other day I was in the cafe with my friend having a conversation about the break up of her marriage. She was using her index finger to emphasise the points she'd made in an argument with her ex, and some random bloke got up from his table, walked over to us, and 'politely' pointed out that it was rude to point. Fuck off random man!

@LadyCatStark

I have a naturally miserable face 😂 and I always get, “smile, it might never happen!”

1. Why would I be wandering through Aldi car park with a huge smile on my face and
2. what if it already has happened?

I get that too. I let a guy have it with both barrels when he said it the week my mum died. I’d put money on him never, ever saying it again.

@IncessantNameChanger

All genders and types of random humans talk to me without reason or knowing me. I presume some are innocent interactions?

I have far, far more aggressive female strangers being abusive to me. Normally over my disabled child. I dont think any man has ever questioned me using disabled facilities or my childs appearance or behavior but I have had more univitedaggresive comments from females than I can count on my fingers and toes.

Sometimes it's a human thing.

There's always one 🙄

They do it to get attention. The best way of dealing with it is to give them an earful they didn't bargain for, the twats.

With you on this, OP.

Two I can remember. Getting a burger from a van on a Friday night "Bang goes the diet then, eh luv?" Didn't need to diet, I was nice and slim. I just said "Lucky that I'm not on a diet, then."

The most memorable one was when I was twenty and on a cross-channel ferry. Went up to the bar and ordered pints for my friends and me. A fellow customer, probably 30 years older than me gave me an absolute lecture about drinking pints, saying that I shouldn't drink pints as men wouldn't find me attractive. I said something like "I really don't care. If one less man find me attractive that's a good thing as far as I am concerned." The lads of my own age I was with laughed incredulously when I told them what he had said.

It may be meant as sociable, light-hearted or jovial but it's also trying to police women's behaviour in a paternalistic way, and they have no right.

As a man I think you're overthinking it
As a woman, in my experience the problem is mainly with men underthinking it.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

As a man I think you're overthinking it.

As a man I don't think it's your place to comment on how women should or shouldn't feel. It's certainly not your place to be a patronising arse, which is what your 'overthinking' comment is.

I did not comment on how women should or shouldn't feel, I expressed my opinion that the person who I was replying to was overthinking it, because men weren't generally thinking that deeply.

My opinion might be wrong, but my opinion was my opinion of what other men are thinking, it had absolutely nothing to do with telling women how to feel.

As a man I think you're overthinking it. I think that for most men it would be entirely innocent, and that they would underestimate the potential for it to embarrass or fluster. And overestimate their wit, and underestimate the potential for certain things to be misogynistic or otherwise inappropriate.

Don’t be so fucking ridiculous.

You must understand that feeling when you step into a lift and one person is in there already - it feels weird to share a space with another human (another social animal) and say zero? I presume others get a similar feeling from being next to strangers in a queue in a bakery.

For many people there isn’t a need or feeling to make conversation because you’re next to or sharing a space with a stranger. If someone wants to make small talk, they will. If they don’t, they won’t and depending on how they answer, you’ll find out if they do.

Humans can be social creatures, but we also know that there are plenty who do not want to be bothered or want some strangers random comments on something that has nothing to do with them or their business.