The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

[ravenmum]

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?
It could be worse - I used to have the sort of face that made random men tell me I was the ugliest person they'd ever seen, which was soul-destroying as a teenager.

I moved to Germany. You don't get so much of that in these parts. But that's partly because people don't tend to chat to strangers as much in general. So fewer random-man comments, but also fewer nice old ladies commenting on the weather. Swings and roundabouts.

[Novelusername]

I absolutely hate it when a random man sees you eating and says 'you'll get fat!' Wrong on so many levels. I had an ex-boss do this to me when I was eating on my lunch break. I mean, I wasn't anywhere near fat, but if I was, what the f*ck does it have to do with him?! I just bluntly told him to never say that to a woman, he seemed to realise he was being a twat. It seems intended to ruin any enjoyment of your food, just why?! Do they go up to random men telling them they'll get fat for eating their lunch?! Nope! I was also eating some sweets whilst waiting at the bus stop once, and a man passing by pulled a grimacing face and said 'pig'. WTF?! Yes, OP, I think I unfortunately come across as very approachable, so I constantly get unwanted 'advice' from men, particularly at the gym. It's never actually helpful, just about men telling a silly little woman what she needs to know, it's all about bolstering their own egos. It doesn't matter how thick some men are, and how educated you are, they'll delight in giving you their unsolicited 'advice'.

[bongbigboobingbongbing]

I'm with you OP and loving your "random man" riposte.

I sometimes say "I BEG your pardon?" with a withering look and make them repeat it, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes they just double down.

[Melassa]

@BrightYellowDaffodil

I've had "Cheer up love, might never happen" and my response is "Well, I've got an entitled twat telling me how to arrange my face, so it already has".

Shuts them right up, usually. Sometimes I get the "Well, there's no need for that, it was just a comment" to which I reply " Then I suggest you keep your unsolicited comments to yourself in future".

They don't expect you to bite back but I refuse to let the wankers win!

Brilliant!

[randomlyLostInWales]

I have far, far more aggressive female strangers being abusive to me. Normally over my disabled child. I dont think any man has ever questioned me using disabled facilities or my childs appearance or behavior but I have had more univitedaggresive comments from females than I can count on my fingers and toes

I've not tended to have much on parenting - mostly nice comments or supportive when kids were at their worst.

But recently much older women than me being aggressive seems to be a thing.

Last one last weekend one tried to walk through me as I moved round to the queue so I stopped but didn't say sorry or move - she started having a go at me spotted DH and teens behind me - pointly said to DH sorry - then she went round to other side to front of queue and tried to queue jump - she's have been in front of us if she'd gone the right way to queue apparently she hadn't wanted to wait - though she ended up waiting longer with her stunt.

[Keety]

Ugh hate this. I'm approaching my late thirties now so don't get it as much, although it still happens when I'm out running sometimes.

I have never ever had this sort of comment from a woman.

My theory is that it's often a way for the man to feel some kind of power and/or impress their mate/s. It's not overtly offensive in the same way that whistling is but they know that it's something that can sound relatively innocent but has the potential to make the woman feel embarrassed or flustered.

[Mantlemoose]

I see that as harmless banter, one adult to another passing a comment which in their mind is funny, irrespective of whether you think it's funny or not, it certainly wasn't insulting.

Such a lot of knicker twisting on MN....................

[evtheria]

@Bloodypunkrockers
That sounds like an onion article - “Woman has best day of her life after stranger tells her to cheer up”

[2389Champ]

I often smile at the irony that it’s often scruffy men with beer guts who think it’s ok to make loud comments about a women’s looks.
It either proves that a lot of men are supremely confident in their appearance and don’t have any problems with their body image, or they are trying to deflect attention from their own inadequacies.

I wish I had had ‘random man/men’ in my vocabulary when two blokes -were clearly discussing me and one said to the other loudly, “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed, would you?”

[DishingOutDone]

Its just the tip of the dirty iceberg though isnt it? That men think they can say or do what they like with impunity. OP says she's not talking about the leery car shouters, but I think one just enables the other. Its a different form of cat calling.

[Chickenyhead]

@Mantlemoose

I see that as harmless banter, one adult to another passing a comment which in their mind is funny, irrespective of whether you think it's funny or not, it certainly wasn't insulting.

Such a lot of knicker twisting on MN....................

Yeah because on the way to turn of your sister's life support, or to your best friends funeral, you could do with a bit of banter right?

I am 100% sure in both of these instances PPs body language was not searching for light banter.

🙄

[BulbasaurusRex]

A man walked past me last week and told me it was much too hot to be wearing a hat . Er, I’m wearing a hat because it is hot...?

I just laughed awkwardly but then immediately got pissed off at myself (and the man) that my automatic response was to do that. Stupid random men and their random comments.

[sachaf08]

I have a rant to my DP frequently about this. The other day I was out pushing DD in the pushchair, I had my phone in one hand (it doesn’t count the steps if it’s gliding along in the pushchair 🙃 not that I really need to explain) and random man’s input is ‘what’s your other hand going to do?’ followed by lots of patronising chuckling and head shaking. Still not really sure what he meant, was he being gross or was it the usual youth of today always on phones grumble? Please feel free to englighten me anyone!

[Picklechamp]

I had an appointment with someone in a department store. Received instructions to ignore any queue, show email to the person on the door, and I would be directed where to go. A red-faced man saw me do this, raced to jump on the escalator behind me, and started muttering about queue jumping. I turned round and politely explained the situation. His response was to throw his hands up in my face and accuse me of being aggressive. So I blocked him at the top of the escalator and fired a bunch of fucks into him. Aggressively.

[speakout]

I find relying "Fuck off" a fairly efficient response.

[supersop60]

@Anordinarymum

It's because they are from Mars.

They don't really understand woman at all.

You just SMILE

And just like that - hand over your power.

[exiledfromcornwall]

@LadyCatStark

I have a naturally miserable face 😂 and I always get, “smile, it might never happen!”

1) Why would I be wandering through Aldi car park with a huge smile on my face and
2) what if it already has happened?

Oh God, that old chestnut. As you say, why would we be walking around with permanent big beaming smiles on our faces? And these people have no idea what is going on in your life, you might have just had a bereavement for all they know. Can't work out what is going on in the heads of these people.

[SVRT19674]

Well, I was walking up the main street with my 18 month old daughter then and my husband. My daughter has this mass of golden curls. As we passed this old man he said "hmph, a blonde girl with curly hair and parents' dark and straight, hahaha likely!" ( my hair is straight and chestnut, my husbands is dark and he wears it really short because if he doesn't, it curls, his grandma had a mass of curly hair, and my gran and grandad were blonde blue eyes). I just looked at him with that look and we went about our business. There are some weird morons in the world. Luckily my daughter was to young to take anything in from his comment.

[Novelusername]

Oh, and as for the 'smile' thing, I've had this since I was a child as I have a bit of an expressionless face. I remember I was at the gym once and overheard a bloke saying to someone else 'she's nice looking but she never smiles'. Oh pardon me, when I'm on the treadmill or lifting weights I didn't know I was supposed to have a maniacal grin plastered on my face at all times so that passing random men would feel that I'm available to them.

[Battleneck]

@grapewine

IMHO - man was not unreasonable for making a comment

Why not? What earthly reason is there to comment on a stranger's food choices? He was being a grade a twat, and OP - I'm loving your comeback!

People are social animals and they talk, even to people they don't know! Get over it!

I'd imagine that the reason most comments are made in such circumstances is that some people feel uncomfortable being in close proximity to others without talking. They feel the need to make an idle comment to break the atmosphere in the air. You must understand that feeling when you step into a lift and one person is in there already - it feels weird to share a space with another human (another social animal) and say zero? I presume others get a similar feeling from being next to strangers in a queue in a bakery.

Making a comment about weight is completely inappropriate and rude (IMHO), or using words like "love" or "darling" but making a more appropriate comment is what many people would regard as normal, sociable, human behaviour. But an idle "good choice, love the muffins here" is hardly an outrage. IMHO people who object to that sort of idle and inoffensive comment should probably stay locked up in their own houses as much as possible as they're clearly not into dealing with the general public. But, OF COURSE, making a polite little comment does not entitle anyone to anything in return, not a smile, not anything.

[GrandmaSteglitszch]

"One muffin and a coffee will make me fat? Wow, that'll be exciting!"

"I AM smiling." (with a glower).

[Babdoc]

I think there are two separate things here. One is sexist knobhead men asserting privilege to comment on women.
But the other, as Mantlemoose said above is just adults making jokey conversation.
I’m a woman in my 60’s, but I often make a friendly or jokey comment to other people in shops - I’m not trying to perv on them or assert dominance.
If I’ve been buying a load of (say) cakes for visitors, a bloke telling me I’ll get fat is just teasing, and a conversation opener. I would usually either play along, saying it’s just a light pre lunch snack before my six meat pies, or I would laugh and say no, I have my family visiting, which often leads to comparing children and having a pleasant chat.
I can see why a harmless bloke making conversation would be hurt and angry to be rudely rebuffed with the assumption that he’s being a knob.
I’m glad I’m old enough that virtually all approaches now are of the harmless chat variety!

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

The type of men who do this are the kind of weapons-grade arseholes who no one should have a conscience about humiliating. Kudos to you OP.

Another one I've experienced twice is male strangers trying to mansplain my swimming strokes to me (a former competition swimmer) when I just wanted to swim in peace.

Rude random arseholes are one thing, but this kind of shit can quickly get scary. The one that bothers me most is the helpless act that plays on women's ingrained tendency to 'be kind'. They pretend to be impaired in some way and try to get you to help them (reminds me of Ted Bundy, and makes me wince - very sinister).

It's happened to me a number of times. Two egs. Man in London asked me to tie his shoes. Different man in London approached in a railway station to help his 'pregnant wife' (who was nowhere in sight).

My response on both occasions: 'why approach the only lone female around? Ask a man'.

These fuckers rely on our compliance. Don't give it to them. That's why this thread made my day!

[HappyStep1]

The one good thing about hitting my fifties is that you become invisible

[viques]

If you can’t remember the brilliant “thanks for the comment random man” , then look puzzled and ask them to repeat it, if they won’t then you say “not important then?” . If they do then still look puzzled , shrug your shoulders and say “”sorry, I don’t get it, was it a joke or something? ”