The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

Except its a deliberately arrogant poster who doesn't read the thread, openly declares that and then undermines the many vile experiences detailed on that thread with his flippancy. Wouldn't you agree?

I once had a man congratulate me in Tesco car park after reversing into a space because apparently 'women can't usually do that'. I just did this back and walked off.

One of the few advantages of face coverings! No random blokes telling me to smile

@Battleneck

You genuinely believe that most times men make comments about weight or smiling they are deliberately trying to hurt or exert power over women?

No, not deliberately but that’s the point!
It’s the casual sexism and sense of entitlement which allows men to believe that telling a woman she would be prettier if she smiled (or was thinner/browner/younger etc etc) as a compliment. Inevitably followed by anger and insults when the recipient fails to smile and accept the attention prettily.

@Chickenyhead

Except its a deliberately arrogant poster who doesn't read the thread, openly declares that and then undermines the many vile experiences detailed on that thread with his flippancy. Wouldn't you agree?

Yes I agree on that point. I was using “character” in the sense of “annoying pillock but maybe not doing it for the power play some Unpleasant Random Men do as he does also make comments to men.”

I’m so baffled that there are actually people on this thread who think this behaviour is ok. It just seems like such a no brainer!

I am a fan of a random conversation with a stranger. But that’s when it’s a conversation, starting with an actual well intentioned comment that doesn’t tell me what to do or think or comment on my appearance or behaviour. It really isn’t hard to make the distinction.

I’m also impressed with OP for her response. I am always too shocked and annoyed to answer back, the most I manage is usually a dead eyed glare.

And I also don’t always feel safe to answer back. I’m a very small woman and often it’s big blokes who make these comments. ‘Do you think someone would actually hit you, or worse, if you called them out?’ - honestly, the risk is ingrained.

It's a power play. Men think women are accessories that they can interact with as they think fit. I find a plain 'fuck off' works nicely.

Honestly this drives me INSANE!! I cannot imagine even telling someone to smile- it’s none of my damn business. Not to mention as PP stated they could have a very valid reason for looking upset.

I was in a supermarket recently, had rather a large shop and an man in his fifties was behind me with two items. I asked if he would like to go infront of me and he replied no thanks, he liked the view from where he was and made some rude joke about liking being behind. I was mortified as was the girl on the checkout. Not the sleazy bloke, he looked so pleased with himself. Vile.

@lottiegarbanzo

Good response.

I'd (like to) have replied to his 'no need to be so rude', 'No there wasn't was there, random man'.

You do have a to bit careful about escalating, as they can become violent. But in a public place, with someone who is just talking, I think I would.

How can you ask 'does anyone else get this' and be in your 30s though? Almost every woman gets this at some time.

It is interesting how invisible the practice is to other people in the vicinity though. How little any of us notices it happening to others, at the time. It's always disguised as interpersonal chit chat, isn't it.

Hmm. I'm a bit tempted to pretend to be hearing-impaired next time. 'What was that? Did you say '.........', and who are you?' at the top of my voice.

..there it is..."they can become violent".

It is ALL about control/power. THIS kind of verbal shit is also coming from the same place of entitlement.

Thanks for the retorts everyone- it is the only thing about this that makes me smile.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

PLEASE don't let it rock your confidence.

But always the best response is the "royal silence".

People who randomly speak to strangers normally don't mean any harm, mostly they are just lonely and have no one else to speak to and bizarrely think they are being funny.

Walk tall OP!

I think some of this comes from men who just haven't socialised a lot with women. They might come from very male dominated environments where it's normal to shout at each other, throw jokey insults assuming that will be appreciated or reciprocated. It's a very traditionally macho thing to insult other men to prove you can take it on the chin.

They think they can communicate with women in this way but obviously it's just not relevant or appropriate to do so. There's no need to 'out-macho' a woman, so it just comes across as rude or clumsy when they do it. It's almost an adult equivalent of pulling a girl's hair in class or insulting her if you fancy her, because you don't have the social skills or nuanced language to communicate properly.

That's my generous interpretation anyway. The other interpretation is that they think their opinions are golden and think they can just be rude to women.

@PluggingAway

I've lost count of the amount of random men who tell me off for not smiling at them.

I have never, ever, in my 35 years of life, had a woman tell me off for not smiling. Literally never happened.

Wow. @PluggingAway Do you live in a large city or somewhere where there are more men than women out & about? I think I've had it said once to me....maybe, although I've experienced other things though. It was when I lived in a certain part of a city and it changed literally overnight when I moved to a different part.

I had it when i was younger probably stops in 40s. Show us your tits always well used never by good looking men.

@beastlyslumber

How many times have you been chatting with female friends and a man insists on interrupting your conversation to 'share his perspective' despite the fact that he has no experience of the thing you're talking about? And when you explain that he is completely missing the point and being rude, he gets angry. Instead of apologising and backing off, he tries to completely take over the conversation, working himself up into angry threats and repeating his points over and over again, complaining that you only disagree because you're too stupid to understand him?

This has definitely happened to every woman on this thread.

Ah yes, so common its background noise. The spittle and bright red face as they say the same thing over and over thinking if they repeat it enough our little ladybrains will, somehow, "get" it

@EarthSight my experience is the same as @PluggingAway ‘s. And it sounds like we aren’t the only ones.

I have one that actually happened to my colleague. “Look at the state of their hair! And they work in a hairdressers?!” From a customer “Yeah they are on their first shift back as someone close just killed themselves” Rude rude rude horrible person

@Taliskerskye

Cunts they are all cunts Thank the lord everyday that you’re not married to one or one isn’t your dad.

And well done for answering back. The stupid cunting cunts

Brilliant comment... I think I might love you!!!

KatherineOfGaunt You’ve reminded me of a incident when I worked in a pizza restaurant when I was 15, I went back to a table to check everything was ok with their meal and the man said “yes it’s fine apart from the waitress has a face like a slapped arse”. He said this in front of his wife and kids although I’m not sure they heard as I just froze and wanted the ground to swallow me up. What kind of adult humiliates a child just doing their job like that for kicks?!

And of course we can speak to random people (if we want to), this morning as I got home a builder arrived to work on next door and said hello so I smiled back and said good morning. He didn’t make a comment about my appearance/what I was wearing or try to stop me getting in the house to start work by engaging me in “banter”. All perfectly reasonable and pleasant.

As a man ( don’t hate me) I think most comments are not welcome, I’d never say to anyone male or female to cheer up or make a comment on looks or what they were doing. In my younger days only ever wore band t shirts of concerts I’d been too and if I saw another person with similar music tastes I would often chat too them.

But I often find I attract the weird people who come and talk to me

@SnoopyLights

So many variations of "smile" that the last time it happened I stuck both my middle fingers up at him and pushed the corners of my mouth up with them

I love this!

As amusing as they are, I think the responses will be unlikely to have the desired effect on the RCM. Above all they want attention, and even negative attention shows you've noticed them and their comment has hit a nerve, which is exactly what they are hoping for. I think its incredibly unlikely that they will be embarrassed by being called out (way too arrogant and thick skinned) or think twice about it in future (your opinion doesn't matter, and your wit is wasted) so unless you get personal gratification from responding its probably not worth it. I think acting like you haven't even seen or heard them and they don't matter enough for you to notice them probably hits harder.

Anyone thinking some of these comments are ok is clearly a man, most likely a scum newspaper bloody reporter at that!

@Connie999

I think people should talk to each other more often. I’m sure these guys are just trying to spark up a friendly conversation. Human connection is so important. Stop being so defensive!

Nah it’s not friendly conversation. We’ve discussed this throughout the thread.

Can I suggest we lock Battleneck and pbvincent in a room together? I reckon they'd entertain each other no end, and no women would be annoyed in the process.