The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

I too, love the random man comment. I’ve been called frigid, a bitch, all kinds for ignoring random men’s comments. But I have now got a resting extremely don’t mess with me face and death stare. And am oldish. I’m so sad that I didn’t eliminate all these random men when I was young,strong and could run fast and you youngsters still have to endure it. It does not matter if you ARE rude to these men. Be rude. Be rude girls.

Often get ‘smile it may never happen’ but have also had women complaining I’m not cheerful looking at work - both when my mum was in hospital following a stroke with very bad prognosis - at the time she was unconscious. I had ‘can’t you just cheer up?’ from my boss. Some people are just plain rude. I’m def going to use ‘random man’ and ‘sorry, who are you’ to unsolicited comments.

@90sHomeAndAwayFan

As a child my dad constantly told me off for looking 'miserable', sometimes to the point of smacking me if my face didn't suit! It took me a loooong time to get past the idea that I had to smile and look happy all the time

Horrendous.

@brokenbiscuitsx

Exactly, who walks around with a perma grin like a crazed maniac. I feel like walking around and telling random men to “cheer up!”

Why do they do it? What do they think it will achieve? The worst I had, “smile you’d be so much more attractive!” Ugh, I’m not here for you to look at 🤮
.

Power trip, pure and simple.

I love your comeback OP! Your post reminds me of when I was in my late teens, with an eating disorder and quite underweight. As part of my stupidly restrictive 500 calorie per day diet I was in a shop buying a chocolate bar one day. (In retrospect anorexia really wasn’t for me…) Cue a cheery “don’t eat too many of them, you’ll get fat” comment from a Random Man. And I was too young/taken aback to say anything in response.

Next time I get a “smile, it might never happen” comment I plan to reply with “Thank god you’re on the case - there’s a man just over there, fifty-ish, blue jumper, balding, not smiling at all. You better get over there!” I just hope I have the confidence to do this.

Love your comment - I'm going to steal it.

I popped to the shops last week, hot day and I'm wearing London trousers, flips flops, t-shirt and covered in sunblock as I burn very easily. Huge fat man only wearing shorts and a pair of trainers and as red as a lobster shouted across the road at me "got enough clothes on?" I ignored him. But I really just wanted to tell hi. to go fuck himself and cover up because no wants to see what he has to offer.

As I said you're response is much better

A random man told me to 'cheer up' other day. I was wearing a mask and was actually smiling at the time anyway. Obviously I stopped smiling when he made his stupid random man comment and I had to explain to my 11 year old why men feel entitled to comment on whether you appear cheerful or not. Twat.

I agree with PPs: it's a totally regressed kind of behaviour from a man with mother issues.

She needs to reassure him; she needs to smile for him to make him happy; she is responsible for his physical, emotional, and mental well-being. He wants her admiration and praise.

A part of him also wants to destroy her.

@Beastieboys

But it's not just men, women can be just as bad. I was having a bit of a think to myself at work when a colleague asked me what was wrong I said nothing I was quite happy thanks and she replied well you need to tell your face!!......... How rude!

Do you think this colleague would have said that to you if you were a stranger on the train?

I think it’s different if it’s someone you know. In my experience it’s always men who are strangers who do it, not women.

I’d much rather someone said ‘show us yer tits’ because then I feel it’s okay to say fuck off. But random unsolicited comments about what I’m wearing, eating, doing etc leave me a bit torn. It’s ingrained in me not to be rude, but in my heart I know those comments come from a misplaced sense of ownership over women in a public space, which is offensive.

My grandfather was a total arsehole for this kind of shit. He thought women should be grateful for his observations and seemed genuinely shocked when they weren’t. He never accepted his opinion wasn’t important and was convinced some women were just rude. It was so ingrained in him that men get a say on everything.

I haven’t read the whole thread but the book ‘Women don’t owe you pretty’ is very interesting.

I had an accident and got a black eye from falling over. I received various unhelpful comments from men in the street including “leave him, he’s not worth it” (several times) and “you are going to have to go to work looking like that”. I was stunned by all the negative reactions and assumptions that my partner had hit me.

I think people should talk to each other more often. I’m sure these guys are just trying to spark up a friendly conversation. Human connection is so important. Stop being so defensive!

My particular favourite, in the queue for the toilet in a nightclub when I was about 23, happily engaged, not even trying to look attractive to men and a randomer staggers over "If you smile, you might get lucky and I'll ask you to dance!" Upon my declining this delightful request by pointing to my engagement ring, he called me a frigid bitch and said I was probably a lesbian! Only later did I come up with what I SHOULD have done, booted him in the balls, prick!

2 are rude, the Led Zeppelin guy might just be a fan.

Totally agree! I have never ever seen a handsome, charming random comment man - it always seems to be bitter, stupid or ugly guys who feel the need to put women down by being offensive/ critical or rude. The fact I can still remember some comments decades later ( I was painfully shy) shows how horrible they are ( started with “pancake tits” at 13 through cheer up, nice legs shame about the face, you’ll get fat, I went to jail for someone like you, bet you think that book makes you look clever etc) sadly even though I am much older it doesn’t seem to stop! Within past year I’ve had rude comments re my dog, buying a lottery ticket, my swimming and my food choices!! Perhaps I live in a particularly rude area or don’t look assertive enough - will certainly be using “ random man” remark in future!!! To balance this I have also had very lovely men ask if I mind them sending over drinks to our table ( with friends) ; offering change for the parking metre, to lift my dog across a muddy puddle, asking if I would like help with car - oh and admiring my dress - all with no catch or expectation - so not all bad!!) ps all totally random - I am strictly average looking and incapable of flirting!!

The more of us who say something like 'what makes you think I want to know your opinion?' the better. I think even, 'sorry, are you speaking to me?' to force them to repeat it, is better than laughing it off. Until they find themselves challenged repeatedly they will continue blithely believing we need to hear their opinions.

One of the ones that sticks with me was when I was about 15 walking home from school.

By this point in my life I had already been abused by my brother, raped, and sexually assaulted on the underground.

This pissed man decided to advise me that I looked like his wife and ask what I was doing out of the house. I was petrified and tried to get past him, ignoring him, not making eye contact.

He went crazy, chased me up the road shouting at me to get back there slap. I ran and got away. I also wet myself 🙈

Yet I'm supposed to believe that they don't know exactly what they are doing every time????

Nah, I'm not 15 anymore.

You shouldn't have your day interrupted just so a man can demonstrate what a know he is. Saying that, having to listen for 3 seconds whilst you are queuing in a bakery is not a particular significant interruption to a day

It's not just once in a day. Its actually become like white noise now but tomorrow just for shits and giggles I'm going to count how many times men tell me whatever inane random thing comes to mind when they see me. I work in a place full of men so its often.
I will, try to remember the actual conversation too so you can get the gist.
But out and about going in shops and pubs and stuff, I'd say maybe 8 times a day I have to endure some trite comment that I didn't invite, risk assess if i give a smart alek answer will he hit me, follow me shouting, call me names, get his mates involved or just walk away. Or should I just walk away and say nothing.

And how fucking infuriating it is to err on the cautious side, because you know fine well he will tell you it was "just a joke" well it's not fucking funny.

Two men, granted both wanting me to donate to their charity they were promoting one at the door and one on a stall in town: they would have been the clever type given how they were. Might have made them think on after my response to them both

Person 1: on a stall in town. Calling everyone walking past to talk with him. He tried it with me, I continued on. He shouted "don't be like that love"

I swung round and told him straight "My husband is in hospital dieing. I'm on my way their now. I couldn't give two freaks what you think"

He tried to apologise. I said "I don't want an apology. I want you to think in future when you trying to embarass people etc what might be going on for them" and walked off

The second one was a man knocking on my door wanting to sell me Barnado's donation.

I started to close the door saying I'm not interested. He came "don't be like that love"

My response "I've just lost my husband- go away" which he got embarrassed and "offered his condolences" as I was shutting the door.

A n other: man telling me to "cheer up, it might never happen" My response "It did. My mom passed this morning"

Another one saying at a group I sttend "I would love your top on my bedroom floor" to which I told him "Thats for my husband eyes only"

"Your boring - you don't drink" my response "Your the boring one cos you have to drink" 😏

Plenty more of them

Battleneck, you sound just exhausted by all of this. It's tough, isn't it? Now, take a step back and imagine how bloody exhausting it is for women ALL THE BLOODY TIME!!

You said: The only way men can guarantee not negatively impact women in any way is to never say a word to them, but everyone agrees that this is not the solution. Why so extreme? Why not, like us women do, spend your whole damned life dancing around the opposite sex, their feelings, and their apparently unstoppable desire to give you unsolicited advice, comments, opinions, etc. Admittedly, you wouldn't have the worry so much of a woman getting physically aggressive with you or threatening you. Imagine how draining that is.

We spend our lives reading the room and it's bloody exhausting. Why the hell shouldn't the answer be that men do the same thing?

We're pretty fucking tired right now.

Wow. Reading through many of these comments, I get the impression that if a man just said 'Good Morning' to you in the street, some of you would reply 'Who the fuck are you to say what kind of morning I am having, wanker!'.

Then you haven't understood the thread at all.

[quote OoglyMoogly]@IsItAKindofDream I did see your post to Karen however it does not make any sense to say “if you think that you've got another thing coming” does it?

I am aware that it's crept into common parlance as a result of people mishearing what was said but that doesn't mean it's going to be the phrase I use. [/quote]
Agree with this

Both are not correct. It is think

@Designerly

Wow. Reading through many of these comments, I get the impression that if a man just said 'Good Morning' to you in the street, some of you would reply 'Who the fuck are you to say what kind of morning I am having, wanker!'.

How do you get that from reading the thread?

No one has said anything like that

@Connie999

I think people should talk to each other more often. I’m sure these guys are just trying to spark up a friendly conversation. Human connection is so important. Stop being so defensive!

Aahhh those poor misunderstood men, who specifically target women with their passive aggressive challenges.

So what if OP gets fat from 1 muffin, will the world end? Not a great conversation starter really, objectively, is it? Certainly falls outside of "friendly"

Ha ha ha. I feel you sister. Definitely agree. It would be nice to walk anywhere and not be harassed. Makes me feel dead self conscious and I’m not a slim girl. That’s the reason I’m so scared to go on the beach this summer on my holiday in my bikini because I look and feel gross. You just know someone’s gonna stare and think something. Hopefully not say anything