The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

It's been interesting to read so many examples of women describing how they have been told to smile while on the way to a funeral, or very obviously in the middle of a harrowing event.

As a side thought on this, is there an element of women not being 'allowed' to be unhappy or focused on themselves, even when awful things are happening? As if we should always be focused on others - not just how we look outwardly, but in terms of caring for others and putting their needs first - and not ourselves?

“Who put a quid in the dickhead?” is one to save for the particularly obnoxious men

Once when I was working in a pub someone told me to cheer up because it might never happen. I retorted that "it already had happened, I was up for work at 5am after being at the hospital all evening with my nan in intensive care. I didn't get back till after midnight which was when she died, thanks though. I overheard him say to someone else he was going to complain to a manager about me, but if he did it never got back to me!

@BrightYellowDaffodil

It's been interesting to read so many examples of women describing how they have been told to smile while on the way to a funeral, or very obviously in the middle of a harrowing event.

As a side thought on this, is there an element of women not being 'allowed' to be unhappy or focused on themselves, even when awful things are happening? As if we should always be focused on others - not just how we look outwardly, but in terms of caring for others and putting their needs first - and not ourselves?

I think you may well be right. Being expected to be everyone’s “Mummy” and give them attention / look after them.

Well, a lot of it is deliberate goading and baiting. Many men see women as sport. Some are really cruel, sadistic, deliberately unpleasant people. They will get a special frisson out of baiting and scoring a reaction from a woman who is already in obvious pain.

I don't think that motivation - deliberate goading for a reaction - should be underestimated. Think of the people who 'tease' other people for a reaction (and pretend it's funny). Think of all the 'wind-up merchants' you've met. Haven't most of them been male?

Teasing is supposed to be affectionate. Winding people up is done to men too and considered a sport (all about establishing and enforcing in-groups and hierarchies) but one with limits, which include people getting genuinely upset.

People with no social skills but more usually I think, those who think about relationships in terms of power and transaction, rather than affection and reciprocity, use those techniques, 'teasing' and 'winding-up' to mock and subjugate others, including people they don't know, mostly women.

@ChampionOfTheSun

Once when I was working in a pub someone told me to cheer up because it might never happen. I retorted that "it already had happened, I was up for work at 5am after being at the hospital all evening with my nan in intensive care. I didn't get back till after midnight which was when she died, thanks though. I overheard him say to someone else he was going to complain to a manager about me, but if he did it never got back to me!

HE was going to complain??

Un-fucking-believable.

“Who put a quid in the dickhead?” is one to save for the particularly obnoxious men

Or, as an alternative, there is my favourite MN saying: "I see someone left the gate open on the cunt farm again" :grin:

As a child my dad constantly told me off for looking 'miserable', sometimes to the point of smacking me if my face didn't suit! It took me a loooong time to get past the idea that I had to smile and look happy all the time

Winding people up is done to men too and considered a sport

#BANTER

Argh I hate this! I had one on the school run the other week that annoyed me - I said 'morning!' to an older guy I passed in the park, he replied with 'you'll get nowt from me, I've gambled it all away!' 🙄🙄🙄

It is often put down to having poor social skills when someone tramples on others' feelings.
But how do we learn social skills? Certainly not by people saying "Aww, they didn't mean it." We learn partly by the other person reacting poorly to our mistake. I've certainly put my foot in it a few times over my life and had someone snap at me, and learned from it.
Maybe some people don't get snapped at enough.

I was doing barebow archery within club grounds.

A random man passing by, climbed a fence..... A 6Ft HIGH CHAINLINK FENCE to come and tell me I was doing it wrong.

It sounds unbelievable, but it isn't. This invasive monopoly men seem to think they have on women's sports and activities appears to have been de rigeur since long before the recent controversy surrounding organised, competitive sports.

It's happened to me in the swimming pool, twice: men trying to 'mansplain' swimming to me. You'd think a swimming pool, where everyone's, you know, swimming and minding their own business whilst getting a bit of exercise, would be a hard place to try to strike up a conversation, but they try it and on a regular basis.

These days if anyone does, I simply point to my earplugs and say 'sorry, can't hear you!' (Because what is it about the goggles, earplugs, and head in the water getting on with my precious swimming hour suggests I long for your company?)

When I referenced this experience on a Mumsnet thread, at least two other posters responded saying they'd had the same experience. At least one of them said it had happened more than once.

What. The. Fuck?

PS. Patriarchy chicken in the pool is also an eye opener.

I think a lot of the time, when men respond with 'it was just a joke' etc, what they mean is 'it was just a game'. A game they were playing, for their own amusement, at others' expense.

A lot of these men are perfectly good at reading body language and social context. That's how they choose the most vulnerable, distracted and 'entertaining' victims.

@WhatAShilohPitt

“Who put a quid in the dickhead?” is one to save for the particularly obnoxious men

@90sHomeAndAwayFan

As a child my dad constantly told me off for looking 'miserable', sometimes to the point of smacking me if my face didn't suit! It took me a loooong time to get past the idea that I had to smile and look happy all the time

This is awful Honestly I have no word.

'Thanks for your comment random man'. Think I'll say that next time a bloke makes an uncalled for facetious remark!

It's the 'Cheer up love, it might never happen' that gets me! Luckily it hasn't happened for a few years but I used to wish I'd come back with, "My mum died yesterday and I've just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, but here's a big cheery smile for you!"

@Taliskerskye

Cunts they are all cunts Thank the lord everyday that you’re not married to one or one isn’t your dad.

And well done for answering back. The stupid cunting cunts

This is spot on 😂

I have just started saying 'why are you speaking to me, strange man?

😂😂😂😂

I haven’t read the full thread but to pitch in - OP you are marvellous. These kind of comments are bullshit. A man actually pulled his car over once to tell me ‘you look like you’ve got a lot on your mind’. I said, ‘don’t you worry about making yourself look stupid by talking to people who don’t give a shit what you think?’ (I was really not in the mood). Headphones in and continued on my way. Wankers.

It happens all the time and god I fucking hate men.

WellliesandWine88 😂😂😂

But it's not just men, women can be just as bad. I was having a bit of a think to myself at work when a colleague asked me what was wrong I said nothing I was quite happy thanks and she replied well you need to tell your face!!......... How rude!

Recently walking towards the beach with my dog. Random man said, ‘are you going to the beach?’ I replied ‘yes why?’ ‘It’s closed’, he replied (which is possible, accident/drowning etc. He then pointed at me and laughed, gotcha!

A.This was not remotely funny
B. My husband was just a short distance behind. He didn’t attempt this ‘hilarious’ joke on him. I wish I had said something but just stood there dumbfounded