The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

@Battleneck
I think your two proposals are a bit of a binary option.
As others have said, it's about men learning to read some signals. How many times do you have the urge to speak to women you don't know about? I'm talking outside of a scenario where group cohesion might be more warranted. Say, if I go to an evening class on a shared hobby, I'd more than expect to have some random chat with men and women there! If I'm at a record store (to use your previous example), maybe I'm open to chat, maybe I've had a terrible day and I'm absolutely not. Read the signals. But I'm wondering how often you have urge to chat with women you don't know? How often do you have the urge to chat to men you don't know?

And let me share another recent example from just a month ago.

Mid afternoon at a casual bar with three female friends, sat in a booth (low booth, seat backs only coming up to mid-back). Behind me, a man in his 50/60s and what turned out to be his grown-up son in his late 20s. The dad started chatting to us, mostly directed at me, and I had a good chat with him (turned out we were from the same city). However, I wasnt there to hang out with New Random Man and his Random Son; I was there to see my friends. I let the conversation drift and then turned back to my table. He then tried to engage me again, and asked what we were doing later, I said dinner, he asked "Where are you going for dinner?".

At this point I'm annoyed. It's very invasive and is a level of detail I don't need to share. It's his expectation that I should share that with him after 5 minutes of knowing him. When they left (we all said a friendly goodbye) my girls said that when I turned around back into our booth, he had looked really huffy and given me a look and mumbled something about me not answering his question (that he had asked after I'd turned around).

I object to this level of ENTITLEMENT with strange men. If we had had a pleasant chat and then he'd read my signals and accepted them, I'd have thought nothing of this encounter other than it was a nice bit of social interaction. Unfortunately, for his invasive and ignorant question about where I was planning to be later on, and his rude level of expectation of how I should be giving him all my attention when I've only just met the man, I left thinking he's an entitled twat who gives men a bad name.

Read the signals, and try and understand better whether the woman you're talking to in the moment is interested in what you have to say (or indeed, whether you'd strike up the same conversation if she were a man).

This particular random man turns up regularly, under new name changes,with the same arguments, word for word the same but are you honestly saying you dont want men to speak to you women in public, yes women say, please leave us alone, yeah but whatabout this and this, then takes offense. He is totally taking the piss and wasting your time. Shame about your thread OP, its been good to read, thanks for posting.

@ArthurApples

This particular random man turns up regularly, under new name changes,with the same arguments, word for word the same but are you honestly saying you dont want men to speak to you women in public, yes women say, please leave us alone, yeah but whatabout this and this, then takes offense. He is totally taking the piss and wasting your time. Shame about your thread OP, its been good to read, thanks for posting.

No shame really, I’m not closing it. He’ll get bored when he’s not being fed.

@KarenofSparta

Then you've got another think (sic) coming

Was that ironic?

I don't agree with @Battleneck’s opinion but on this he is correct. It is “if you think that, then you've another think coming” in other words think it over again.

Oogly - both are correct. See my previous response to Karen earlier.

[quote TrueRefuge]@Battleneck
I think your two proposals are a bit of a binary option.
As others have said, it's about men learning to read some signals. How many times do you have the urge to speak to women you don't know about? I'm talking outside of a scenario where group cohesion might be more warranted. Say, if I go to an evening class on a shared hobby, I'd more than expect to have some random chat with men and women there! If I'm at a record store (to use your previous example), maybe I'm open to chat, maybe I've had a terrible day and I'm absolutely not. Read the signals. But I'm wondering how often you have urge to chat with women you don't know? How often do you have the urge to chat to men you don't know?

And let me share another recent example from just a month ago.

Mid afternoon at a casual bar with three female friends, sat in a booth (low booth, seat backs only coming up to mid-back). Behind me, a man in his 50/60s and what turned out to be his grown-up son in his late 20s. The dad started chatting to us, mostly directed at me, and I had a good chat with him (turned out we were from the same city). However, I wasnt there to hang out with New Random Man and his Random Son; I was there to see my friends. I let the conversation drift and then turned back to my table. He then tried to engage me again, and asked what we were doing later, I said dinner, he asked "Where are you going for dinner?".

At this point I'm annoyed. It's very invasive and is a level of detail I don't need to share. It's his expectation that I should share that with him after 5 minutes of knowing him. When they left (we all said a friendly goodbye) my girls said that when I turned around back into our booth, he had looked really huffy and given me a look and mumbled something about me not answering his question (that he had asked after I'd turned around).

I object to this level of ENTITLEMENT with strange men. If we had had a pleasant chat and then he'd read my signals and accepted them, I'd have thought nothing of this encounter other than it was a nice bit of social interaction. Unfortunately, for his invasive and ignorant question about where I was planning to be later on, and his rude level of expectation of how I should be giving him all my attention when I've only just met the man, I left thinking he's an entitled twat who gives men a bad name.

Read the signals, and try and understand better whether the woman you're talking to in the moment is interested in what you have to say (or indeed, whether you'd strike up the same conversation if she were a man).[/quote]
I completely agree with this, thanks for explaining more articulately than I could! If this was just a friendly thing then it would happen to men and women and it doesn't. The people that do it are always male, not female so why is it?

So many women on this thread have made such intelligent points about why it is always men and never women that do this.

I fucking hate it. I just want them to stop it

*The only way men can guarantee not negatively impact women in any way is to never say a word to them, but everyone agrees that this is not the solution.

No men need to read body language and more importantly adhere to it.*

Agree. Body language is usually one of the most obvious signs whether someone wants to be bothered or not. Next, words (if any) and tone accompanied with body language.

Headphones on - leave me be
Reading a book - leave me be
Little to no eye contact - leave me be
Body turning/turned away - leave me be
Keeping distance - leave me be
Arms folded over chest - leave me be
Expressionless face / no smile - leave me be

We are taught to read, learn, and notice body language from a young age. Even young children can read body language so no idea why it seems so difficult for many men (excusing those with disabilities) not to be able to do the same.

Battleneck, you were doing so well until

• BUT The only way men can guarantee not negatively impact women in any way is to never say a word to them, but everyone agrees that this is not the solution.*

THIS is your wilful ignorance. Because you KNOW that's not the only way men can guarantee they won't negatively impact a woman. If you don't know the difference (as many posters have already pointed out) between "lovely weather we're having!" and "don't eat that, you'll get fat", you're exceptionally thick.

You, like all men who shout WHAT? NOW I CANT EVEN TALK TO A WOMAN WITHOUT UPSETTING HER? WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO! don't want to have to think about your behaviour, because as a man you've never had to. You don't want to examine your own actions and potentially make a change, and that's demonstrated by your repeated BuT i DoNt UnDeRsTaNd EdUcAte Meeeee posts. You want to think you're a Good Man, maybe even a feminist, and having to face up to whether you'd ask a pretty woman on a park bench to smile makes you uncomfortable. All these pesky women coming along saying that they feel uncomfortable with these kinds of interactions, and you react back defensively with "well I don't do feelings I do solutions, and there is no solution I can conceive other than an advertising campaign to warn men not to speak to any women who are strangers ever again so there, problem solved!"

I suggest that, if you're honest with yourself, you are Random Man. So reflect, stop being defensive, and change.

And to the posts asking 'have you ever experienced x? If so, how many times?'

I sincerely imagine that I am with the vast majority of women on this thread in thinking 'yes. How many times? Too many, I've lost count' to pretty much every. Single. Point.

DO YOU GET IT NOW @Battleneck??? (Probably not....seeing as you haven't got any of the other points women on this thread have been making.....).

not outright scum, but maybe I'm wrong.
There is no maybe about it, you are wrong @Battleneck. How dare you, as a man, come on here thinking that you know better than the women who are experiencing this first-hand. It'd be like me, as a white person, telling a person of colour that racism doesn't really exist and people don't mean it,or it's all in their head. You are man, therefore you do not have lived experience of this. What you should be doing is listening to women without giving your opinion and certainly not telling us how to think. Ffs.

@IsItAKindofDream I did see your post to Karen however it does not make any sense to say “if you think that you've got another thing coming” does it?

I am aware that it's crept into common parlance as a result of people mishearing what was said but that doesn't mean it's going to be the phrase I use.

@Ghosttile

At least the random comment men fuck off.

Went out for a drink with my ex Saturday lunchtime, and was meeting girlfriends straight afterwards. He made a remark that I was wearing makeup and that I hadn't the last time I saw him, and that I looked cool with makeup on. Meaning that I don't look cool barefaced???

It's a strange absolutism this 'can't say anything to a woman these days', as though if you can't say whatever horrible thing you like you can't say anything at all; as if there is no difference between 'good morning' and 'nice tits'.

I was doing barebow archery within club grounds.

A random man passing by, climbed a fence..... A 6Ft HIGH CHAINLINK FENCE to come and tell me I was doing it wrong.

When the enraged (female) Club owner/ fellow archer arrived it turned out random man had never lifted a bow in his life, but could 'tell' I was doing it wrong.

He quickly got aggressive we refused to listen to him or let him 'Show us how it was done' as he was 'Just trying to be helpful' and we were 'Ungrateful bitches'

Ungrateful bitches with long range weapons, pointed out the instructor.

At which point he suddenly realised he had other places to be and left in a hurry.

@TheMirrorofHerDreams

I was doing barebow archery within club grounds.

A random man passing by, climbed a fence..... A 6Ft HIGH CHAINLINK FENCE to come and tell me I was doing it wrong.

When the enraged (female) Club owner/ fellow archer arrived it turned out random man had never lifted a bow in his life, but could 'tell' I was doing it wrong.

He quickly got aggressive we refused to listen to him or let him 'Show us how it was done' as he was 'Just trying to be helpful' and we were 'Ungrateful bitches'

Ungrateful bitches with long range weapons, pointed out the instructor.

At which point he suddenly realised he had other places to be and left in a hurry.

Jeez @BlueLobelia this has to be the most extreme RCM event I think I’ve ever heard! 😳

@Sandra15 thank fuck he's an ex.

"as if there is no difference between 'good morning' and 'nice tits'"

this

It is as if all women everywhere should be ready to receive the on the spot instinctive in-real-time analysis by ever man she encounters as to how sexually attractive that man happens to find you in that moment.

The fact that no improvement has been made in society on this is born out by the fact that all the skits depicting this - for example reversing the dynamic and showing women running around making random sexual comments about men's bodies to men they meet - feel so ridiculous to watch. Women do not do that, and in most cases I am guessing it is not because they want to but have self control, it would just never dawn on them to do so.

Media does not help one bit. If you have a society with the high viewing ratings of "Love Island" is it any wonder that men who are unable to understand or think through more nuanced /subtle elements of social interaction, think it is perfectly fine to go about their day imagining all women they meet naked or in bikinis and those imaginings spilling over to vocalised stream of consciousness commentary.

I forgot to say earlier (derailed by a certain poster on here) that my sister mentioned that a Random Comment Man had stopped her Dd12 (my niece) and said to her “young ladies shouldn’t wear trainers” note how he said it to my niece and not my sister.

I am that woman that always snipes back. Good on you OP!

@TheMirrorofHerDreams un-fucking-believable! The lengths some men will go to mansplain.......!

Wouldn't it be great if you could have fired an arrow into his calf as he walked away, and as he rolled on the floor in agony, gone all coyly "Oh gosh it turns out you're right, I don't know how to do this! Teeheehee."

Well, a girl can dream

Interesting read:
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/apr/14/chart-life-random-men-told-me-about-my-body

By contrast, when a man feels entitled to tell a random woman how he sees her face, her body, her hair, this sends a very different message. It says that women exist to be observed and appraised, that they are decorative background players while men are the lead roles. So a female stranger might ask me where I got my coat from, but a random man on the train will tell me that I should smile because it would really brighten his day.
In fact, I can chart my life by the comments men have made about my physical appearance.

It's been interesting to read so many examples of women describing how they have been told to smile while on the way to a funeral, or very obviously in the middle of a harrowing event. In an ambulance? Etc.
Mainly as if there are multiple women describing those extreme situations, on this thread, it gives you some idea of how often it happens in total, i.e. not just during harrowing events but every day.

Here in Germany I can't think of an equivalent to "It may never happen". Actually, many foreigners complain that Germans go round looking miserable. Maybe it's because there is less pressure for people to smile. Not such a bad thing at all.