The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

I remember having a conversation with BIL one evening, he's a really nice bloke wouldn't hurt a fly and sees women as equals, shares a majority of parenting responsibilities and house stuff blah blah blah

But we started talking about feminism over the course of the evening he started getting quite aggressive, leaning in almost shouting, getting impatient, and angry, I sat back and raised an eyebrow but continued and he wound himself up some more, at one point I actually thought he was capable of swinging for me or at least grabbing me. It was quite an eye opener, but I had that quote in my head at the time "men actually really hate women" so I was more ahh I see it now, rather then scared. plus DH was there and brought him back to reality.

The next morning BIL was absolutely mortified by his behaviour and couldn't apologise more, and said he didn't know why he'd reacted the way he did, he was really upset with himself. But I think his unexpected reaction has given him an awful lot of food for thought.

sorry not a random man comment, but how men don't see how society has left such huge marks on our subconscious both them and us.

The two solutions are "no chit chat" or "some women will have to learn to live with feeling a bit uncomfortable as a result of chit chat from men who are not knobs and not being threatening"

There is a third option, and that is “Men realising what is and isn’t appropriate chat AND learning to read the signs when someone clearly doesn’t want to engage AND acting on those signs to back the fuck off”.

No chit chat has been ruled out, which leaves some women to have to deal with the odd bit of innocent chit chat.

Aside from - yet again - it not being your place to suggest what women do and don’t have to tolerate, no, it really doesn’t.

I agree @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

You've taken this thread which was a supportive thread for women, and spoiled it.

There have been 2 men I’ve seen on here who get it. Can’t work out Battleneck ‘s intentions if I’m honest.

I am not telling anyone that they are wrong to feel how they do. Thanks you for giving me the opportunity to correct your misunderstanding.

In real life, I'd now say something that a man like you would then respond with, "no need to be rude/stroppy/hysterical". I'll resist here but honestly, you are just trolling now.

@IsItAKindofDream

Battleneck. Instead of reminding us again to read your words, why don’t you just read the words women have shared on this thread. Then you might be able to get your head around it.

Your shouty demand that we read your posts is practically giving a master class in what we are tying to say about men turning on us if we don’t show then due deference.

I AM NOT DEMANDING DEFERENCE - I AM SICK OF BEING COMPLETELY MISREPRESENTED BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE EITHER NOT READ MY POSTS OR NOT READ THEM WITH ENOUGH CARE TO UNDERSTAND THEM, OR WHO ARE UNABLE TO FOLLOW SOME SIMPLE LOGIC.

I am going to try to be OUT as of this post, but I might find it hard to resist looking and if someone uses my name and misrepresents me then I might find it impossible to resist chipping in again.

TLDR - My opinion is -

Men should not be knobs or threaten or be violent
Men should ideally not negatively impact women in any way
BUT
The only way men can guarantee not negatively impact women in any way is to never say a word to them, but everyone agrees that this is not the solution.

Where have I said that I do around telling women they look nice?

Right, I actually don't think you are being deliberately obtuse. You're obviously just not very bright. My example was to give an example of how just because I don't feel upset by certain comments, doesn't make it impossible for me to understand and accept that other women do.

Other women on this thread - perhaps this is the problem? (Some) Men just genuinely are too dumb to understand? Have we misjudged the problem all along?

@Nerfelite

I have a death stare I give these types of people. I don't even dignify their bullshit with a response.

Can I ask a legitimate question OP? Are you comparatively young? I've found a lot of the random man bullshit has dwindled as I reached my late 30s. Now I'm in my 40s, I am virtually invisible (thank fuck)

I've noticed this too....late 30s and the (infuriating and rude) comments from (misogynistic twats) random men have definitely dwindled, I guess because I am now ancient and past it. So there's that...

LOVE your response OP. I genuinely only think of the response I wish I'd said way after the fact. Like the totally unsolicited mansplaining I've previously had in the gym, obviously the 'smile love' comments etc etc...

Fuck OFF with your threats and aggression @Battleneck.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I get the feeling that you're rather enjoying all the attention on you, Battleneck, why else would you be on the thread going on and on?

I think, you've posted something salient here:
Is anyone here saying that men should do their absolute best to never speak to female strangers?
Yes, do this. For men that wilfully misunderstand, it's a good start. Keep doing just that.

I can't believe how patient the responses to you have been.

This.

for example - you comment on the weather or complement a woman on something neutral like her car or her dog (not her body or appearance) she says thanks, makes a small tight smile, looks away then starts rummaging in her bag/checks her phone.

Your choices are,
1)back off, she doesn’t want to chat,
2)make a lewd or inappropriate joke about what you had just asked her.
3)call her a stroppy cow you were only being friendly.
4) try again, this time pestering her for further attention, interaction - maybe asking her to help with something or asking where she lives etc.

All of these things happen fairly regularly… if your answer was anything other than number 1 then it’s probably better not to try chit chat with random women.

good lord

The only way men can guarantee not negatively impact women in any way is to never say a word to them, but everyone agrees that this is not the solution.

No men need to read body language and more importantly adhere to it.

Dont make stupid comments,telling women to smile.And never,ever mention a womens weight.
Dont walk behind women on their own.
Dont interupt when they talking with their friends.

And no means no.

WHO ARE UNABLE TO FOLLOW SOME SIMPLE LOGIC.

Ooh, that's us told. Silly women with their lack of Man Logic.

...if someone uses my name and misrepresents me I might find it impossible to resist chipping in again

And now we have been duly warned.

TLDR - My opinion is...

Thank you for your succinct summary (nice and simple for us women, eh?) and comment, random man.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

The two solutions are "no chit chat" or "some women will have to learn to live with feeling a bit uncomfortable as a result of chit chat from men who are not knobs and not being threatening"

There is a third option, and that is “Men realising what is and isn’t appropriate chat AND learning to read the signs when someone clearly doesn’t want to engage AND acting on those signs to back the fuck off”.

No chit chat has been ruled out, which leaves some women to have to deal with the odd bit of innocent chit chat.

Aside from - yet again - it not being your place to suggest what women do and don’t have to tolerate, no, it really doesn’t.

I think part of the misunderstanding here is that you seem to think that there is a possibility of "good men" reading the signals perfectly every time.

I would argue that this is completely unrealistic, at the very least a few good men will make a few small mistakes. As a result, by definition, we have to accept that some women will feel a bit uncomfortable sometimes OR that no man should ever speak to a woman. And the consensus on this thread is that the latter is not the way forward.

Poor random man is upset his words aren't taken as gospel.

That has been my view since the fucking first post I made on this thread which is why I am so fucking confused that so many people are having a go at me!

Oh go away. 🤬

It's. Not. About. You.

We are trying to address your idiotic points, not 'having a go'.

We don't care about your confusion.

We are not bothered about whether you agree with us or we with your.

We. Don't. Care.

This is about Random Comment Men and how they intrude on women's environments & at times, seek to control women through these interactions.

We are simply not interested in spending time ensuring your understanding or whether your POV is correctly interpreted.

Go away with your little angry posts & introspection.

@BorderlineHappy

The only way men can guarantee not negatively impact women in any way is to never say a word to them, but everyone agrees that this is not the solution.

No men need to read body language and more importantly adhere to it.

Dont make stupid comments,telling women to smile.And never,ever mention a womens weight.
Dont walk behind women on their own.
Dont interupt when they talking with their friends.

And no means no.

Quite. Really shouldn't be that hard.

I am going to try to be OUT as of this post, but I might find it hard to resist looking and if someone uses my name and misrepresents me then I might find it impossible to resist chipping in again.

The rage and lack of self-control. The blaming his lack of self-control on women. The threat that he'll be back to harass us, and it's our fault, because we provoked him.

You are ticking all the boxes here, Brassneck.

The only way men can guarantee not negatively impact women in any way is to never say a word to them, but everyone agrees that this is not the solution.

That's not accurate, Battleneck, I've agreed it's a very good solution indeed. Walk the walk now.

@SpaceOp

Where have I said that I do around telling women they look nice?

Right, I actually don't think you are being deliberately obtuse. You're obviously just not very bright. My example was to give an example of how just because I don't feel upset by certain comments, doesn't make it impossible for me to understand and accept that other women do.

Other women on this thread - perhaps this is the problem? (Some) Men just genuinely are too dumb to understand? Have we misjudged the problem all along?

Sorry, I'm not getting your point at all. Obviously some women like the sort of male attention that most women don't like. "Good men", the ones who aren't knobs, don't give any woman that sort of attention because they have the sense to know that there is a good chance of it being unwelcome.

Only complete knobs say "well some women like being wolf-whistled, so it's OK to wolf-whistle". I have repeatedly said men should not be knobs.

I agree with the poster up thread that says we need to stop feeding Battle by replying to or acknowledging him

As another poster said, it's hard to imagine what he's at other than now deliberately trolling.

Battleship can you kindly just leave my thread please.

I posted my experience to see if other women had had similar and it evolved into a nice safe space for us to share our experiences.

Along you then come and completely derail the thread, so it’s all about you and then start getting aggressive and threatening! This is not what this thread was about (although it is ironic that a thread about shouty random men becomes a thread dominated by a shouty random man!)

How many times have you been chatting with female friends and a man insists on interrupting your conversation to 'share his perspective' despite the fact that he has no experience of the thing you're talking about? And when you explain that he is completely missing the point and being rude, he gets angry. Instead of apologising and backing off, he tries to completely take over the conversation, working himself up into angry threats and repeating his points over and over again, complaining that you only disagree because you're too stupid to understand him?

This has definitely happened to every woman on this thread.

battleneck

*I think part of the misunderstanding here is that you seem to think that there is a possibility of "good men" reading the signals perfectly every time...I would argue that this is completely unrealistic"

Back so soon?

Thank goodness you - a man - have returned to tell me - a woman - why my view on an issue that affects women and how women interact with the world (and vice versa) is wrong and I am "misunderstanding". I would redirect you to my earlier comment about hyperbole if you think I'm somehow expecting perfect social interactions from everyone at all times. My earlier comment also references those who only hear what they want to hear in order not to have to change or challenge their behaviours or thoughts, which is also applicable here. You're like a little masterclass in What's Wrong With Male Behaviour Towards Women, all neatly wrapped up in one irritating person.

And the consensus on this thread is that the latter is not the way forward.

Can you not see how your language works here? You're effectively saying "You're wrong and EVERYONE ELSE AGREES WITH ME". It's divide/isolate and conquer behaviour and I reference my earlier comment about you coming across as someone who has read too much PUA material.