The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

Is anyone here saying that men should do their absolute best to never speak to female strangers? It seems to me that many are implying this, but maybe they're not. If you are implying this then do you think that there should be government advertising campaigns telling men not to speak to women they don't know? Should legislation be brought in?

FFS Battle you are an embarrassment.

Either thick (which I don't believe) or goady or insulting.

This thread is NOT for you to be educated, helped to understand or deal with your puerile derailings.

[quote TheMirrorofHerDreams]@Battleneck

Thank you for your comment, random man.[/quote]
😂😂😂
👏👏👏

Men, before they open their mouths need to stop and think. When addressing a woman they need to ask themselves 'Would I say this/ make this comment to a man?' If the answer is no, then you stay silent. For my part I want to be left alone. If I am out and about, I just want to be left alone to go about my daily business, without comment from anyone.

My confusion arises ...

@Battleneck

WE DON'T CARE!!
We don't care about your 'confusion', your mansplaining and your obsession with focusing this thread on YOU.

Is anyone here saying that men should do their absolute best to never speak to female strangers? It seems to me that many are implying this, but maybe they're not. If you are implying this then do you think that there should be government advertising campaigns telling men not to speak to women they don't know? Should legislation be brought in?

@Battleneck You are doing the exact thing we are talking about.
You are not reading the room.
We dont mind RM talking to us as long as its respectful.Not telling us to smile,we are fat if we eat that.

Normal interactions in the queue is fine.
Not understanding no and calling us frigid not fine.
Do you think you can wrap your pretty little head around that.

The other week I was in a class at the gym, go to this class regularly, always have problems with balancing when leading with my right leg. Obviously all wobbly again, only a small class, instructor (female) says to me, don't worry about the wobbling you'll get there, as you're getting stronger it'll improve just keep practicing. Nobody else in the class commented (why would they?!) except the only man in the class he's in his 50s and starts piping up with if you widen your stance, deepen the lunge you'll have a more stable base. I think my why would I listen to you look flashed across my face because the instructor smirked at me and then added she's fine as she is, its not a wide pose, would you rather demonstrate at the front or am I allowed to carry on?

Why do someone do this, what makes them believe as the only male they're the most qualified in the room and should share this 'wisdom with others?!

some women will sometimes feel uncomfortable and / or annoyed that their day has been interrupted by random men who are not knobs and who are not threatening and violent, but there is nothing we can or should do about that.

What??

PPs have put it more articulately than I can about not being able to shrug it off because of genuine fear of the where it’s going.

But why the fuck is the onus on women to shrug it off and not dickhead men to curb their behaviour?

Also it’s death by a thousand cuts, once you’re in your 30s you’ve had 20 years of this shit to put up with (alongside all the other oppressive patriarchal crap). It wears you down.

@Battleneck - I'd consider bowing out now because you're really just doing the same thing: getting all of us to smile at you, albeit in a slightly different way.

My confusion arises from the numerous comments which suggest that many women are completely on edge from the moment a man opens his mouth, however innocent what they say is. Whilst I understand that sharing experiences is a valid and reasonable thing to do, I am a typical man, more interested in solutions than feelings.

Jesus fucking wept, how many more times? We don't need your validation as to what is "valid and reasonable". We don't want your solutions, we have those for ourselves and they're all the way through this thread if you cared to read and digest rather than leap in with your opinions.

It seems to me that we all agree

Stand down ladies! We've got a man here to run the show, facilitate the discussion points and clarify the decision points. Thank fuck for that!

[quote WhatMattersMost]@Battleneck - I'd consider bowing out now because you're really just doing the same thing: getting all of us to smile at you, albeit in a slightly different way.[/quote]
Bravo! Excellent post 👏👏

This @BrightYellowDaffodil you’ve nailed it

It's absolutely the same with Random Comment Men who will see it as a personal insult if they get anything other than simpering gratitude from a woman in response to their comments. "I was only trying to be helpful by saying that muffin will make you fat! Jesus, I don't suppose I'm allowed to say anything to anyone any more!"

Yes turning it around and making it our fault and then making the woman flustered/embarrassed. As was the original intent of their comment in the first place.

I find it's because they want to get your attention and interact with you. A random comment is the only way they know how to do this. It's a forced interaction, led by them.

Dont worry though, it'll die down a lot once you hit 30 and by the time you're 40, you'll be completely invisible.

*some men not someone!

To take this back to the very basis of the OP - can you imagine any stranger unsolicitedly addressing a strange man (no matter his appearance/age whatever) feeling the entitlement to say 'you'll get fat if you eat that'

...

Anyone?

Now why is that 🤔.

Battleneck

"some women will sometimes feel uncomfortable and / or annoyed that their day has been interrupted by random men who are not knobs and who are not threatening and violent, but there is nothing we can or should do about that"

No
The above conclusion is your attempt to say the women who "sometimes feel uncomfortable" are the ones in the wrong.

And the fact you type that is testament to the incredibly successful way society moulds and conditions girls from the moment of their birth to have to deal with the type of behaviour described on this thread.

The fact that SOME women appear to you to be able to "take it as a joke" when men make dumb/rude comments to them does not mean that they are taking it as a joke. I would bet that often internally they are offended/annoyed/threatened/feel belittled etc.

But they just happen to be the ones who have been very successfully conditioned to play the game, "laugh it off", pretend it didnt happen, tell themselves that it works in their favour to go along with it (it doesnt) - or whatever since they were a tiny girl.

If someone tells you to smile, you have two options:

"I've just been diagnosed with cancer" - educational, and they probably won't risk doing it again.

And gurning. I go for pushing my lips out to show my teeth and squinting.

The former was very effective when I happened to be passing an oncology department.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

It seems to me that many are implying this, but maybe they're not. If you are implying this then do you think that there should be government advertising campaigns telling men not to speak to women they don't know? Should legislation be brought in?

Ah, this is one of my favourite tactics: hyperbole. Leaping straight to the most extreme conclusion - which absolutely no-one else will have mentioned or suggested - in order to either belittle the original point, or get the response of "Of course that's not what we mean at all" in which case the hyperbolic commenter has heard what they wanted to hear and translated that into not having to change their views/actions/attitudes.

It's absolutely the same with Random Comment Men who will see it as a personal insult if they get anything other than simpering gratitude from a woman in response to their comments. "I was only trying to be helpful by saying that muffin will make you fat! Jesus, I don't suppose I'm allowed to say anything to anyone any more!"

Don't fucking do that.

Sorry if I did that unintentionally.

I swear to god that my interpretation of this thread is that loads of people have been disagreeing with me despite me agreeing that all sorts of things men say and do are wrong, and loads of people have been saying how they hate the intrusion and the fear of even the most innocuous comment.

Putting two and two together I made five - that many women believe that all men at all times should do their best to avoid speaking to women strangers.. and if that's the case then surely an advertising campaign or law change makes sense.

(3) some women will sometimes feel uncomfortable and / or annoyed that their day has been interrupted by random men who are not knobs and who are not threatening and violent, but there is nothing we can or should do about that.

Not worried about making women feel uncomfortable?
How rapey does that sound?

Still, it’s a great example of how men really think it is all about them, don’t bother listening and always try to have the last word, even when it is obvious their input is not wanted.

Your argument is similar to:

#Metoo - Male reaction - you can't say hello to a woman anymore without getting accused of sexual harassment. #Metoo is about sexual abuse and rape. It's not about a friendly hello as you walk into work. It's about making women feel uncomfortable and sexually harassed in the workplace or using your power to sexually exploit and abuse women.

Can you see the difference between 'Hello' and sexual abuse and rape?

In a similar disingenuous vein - you are saying that women don't want men to talk to them under any circumstances. Women are saying that constant belittling and demeaning comments, make them feel unsafe and intimidated when they are going about their daily business.

Can you see the difference between leering, shouting demands such as 'Smile love.' Making personal comments on weight, figure or clothes is very different to talking about the weather while waiting for a bus? Shouting SLAG at a woman as you drive past in a car or throwing food at her, is very different to small talk in a queue.

Putting two and two together I made five - that many women believe that all men at all times should do their best to avoid speaking to women strangers.. and if that's the case then surely an advertising campaign or law change makes sense.

Then you need to listen rather than doing your own adding up.

I've been pretty overweight my entire life. I'm also 5'6 so I provide more of a challenge.
I've had the mansplaining and cheer up love, but nothing more than that.
I imagine it's my size more than my resting bitch face that stops most dickheads.

However I have had size insults shouted at me from a car full of lads, which I found terrifying. I guess the car gave them bravado.

It seems that we can't win no matter what we do, but maybe I have found the only advantage of being taller and overweight

@IsItAKindofDream

Battleneck. Enough with the me-railing and hyperbole.

Ask yourself (no need to share your answers on here) - do you ever think first before striking up a conversation with another man? Even if they for example aren’t making eye contact / appear physically stronger than you / are possibly gay and might think you are chatting them up?

Now go and re-read the posts about checking visual cues before striking up conversations with people.

Now remember women are people too, and apply the same to them.

do you ever think first before striking up a conversation with another man?

No, I sometimes my brain is literally switched off and I start a conversation with my mouth controlled by my knees. /sarcasm

Even if they for example aren’t making eye contact / appear physically stronger than you / are possibly gay and might think you are chatting them up?

Obviously I consider all sorts of factors before opening my mouth to anyone, male or female. I really don't get your point.

@BorderlineHappy

Is anyone here saying that men should do their absolute best to never speak to female strangers? It seems to me that many are implying this, but maybe they're not. If you are implying this then do you think that there should be government advertising campaigns telling men not to speak to women they don't know? Should legislation be brought in?

@Battleneck You are doing the exact thing we are talking about.
You are not reading the room.
We dont mind RM talking to us as long as its respectful.Not telling us to smile,we are fat if we eat that.

Normal interactions in the queue is fine.
Not understanding no and calling us frigid not fine.
Do you think you can wrap your pretty little head around that.

That has been my view since the fucking first post I made on this thread which is why I am so fucking confused that so many people are having a go at me!

FFS

I get the feeling that you're rather enjoying all the attention on you, Battleneck, why else would you be on the thread going on and on?

I think, you've posted something salient here:
Is anyone here saying that men should do their absolute best to never speak to female strangers?
Yes, do this. For men that wilfully misunderstand, it's a good start. Keep doing just that.

I can't believe how patient the responses to you have been.