The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

@KarenofSparta

Then you've got another think (sic) coming

Was that ironic?

Apparently both versions (thing and think) are correct. I re-checked because the phrase “You’ve got another thing coming” is often used in a threatening way. “Think” is slightly less threatening, I believe.
Still, didn’t sound great from a shouty poster.

I think the men who feel the need to say “smile luv it might never happen,” must just feel the need to say something to get noticed. This is all they can think of - literally. Also, I think they must feel invisible in general life, so it’s about them. If they get any momentary acknowledgement from a woman, smile or not, it’s better than feeling invisible. It’s so pathetic. Think about how many times they must say that one-liner per day and then extrapolate it over a lifetime. Don’t they bore themselves? Morons.

I'm not sure it was meant that way but good point !

Examples of where 'banter' between strangers can escalate very quickly. Off-the-cuff comments were said to be "Nice bum" and a quip about the "Milkybar Kid". www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-46198536

...So I think challenging the status quo, in this case probably of age and status (the one who expected to come out on top and shrug off consequences was a bodybuilder), can be understood by men - you rarely challenge a stranger with more power, even harmlessly. Winding up a woman, or being generally intrusive = normally no consequences worth a 2nd thought for a man, loaded with the need to assess spontaneously for a woman.

[quote showmethegin]@Battleneck So how much explanation do you require? There are hundreds of women on here that have done so already, clearly and articulately [/quote]
I think I pretty much get it, but as a man I don't think that I can ever truly get it.

The one bit that I don't get and I don't think I ever will is this. Before I say it I want to make clear AGAIN that there are numerous things that men should never say, and that threatening or intimidating is obviously wrong.

Is anyone here saying that men should do their absolute best to never speak to female strangers? It seems to me that many are implying this, but maybe they're not. If you are implying this then do you think that there should be government advertising campaigns telling men not to speak to women they don't know? Should legislation be brought in?

@showmethegin

To use a different analogy *@Battleneck* think about racism. I am a white woman. When a black person tells me 'this person said x and it upset me because x' what I do is listen. And believe them. As a white woman as much as I try I will never truly understand their experience. They will have a different experience of just being in the world than they do. So I listen, believe them, critique my own behaviour and the behaviour of others. If I witness someone doing something racist I pull them up on it. Because I have listened to what the person has said.

Agree 100% - I think this is what I have been doing.

@newnortherner111

Comments about a shared music interest if you wear the T shirt are reasonable if done in the right way, the comment about food choices are not.

Within reason, of course, I love a chat. But we KNOW when some man is challenging us because they don't believe we really have likes of our own, and rudely assume that because we're women/girls we're just pretending to be "cool". (Why men wouldn't be thought to do this, fuck knows)

Ever since I was a little girl I've been subject to "oh you like X team, tell me 10 of their players then", "you're wearing a tshirt of X band, what's your favourite song then" and similar - the unspoken end of the sentence is "if you're not lying". Everyone from boys at school to the hairdresser to men in clubs has done this. Not one woman or girl.

AIBU to just skip all "Battleneck"'s comments on here because if I want a man's perspective I can just walk down the street and wait?

One response I have used is "would you say that to a man?" They generally get confused, lie "...yes", and look confused some more.

But whatever the cause I CAN'T GET MY HEAD AROUND how many people give a shit what random fucking idiots say.

As so many posters on this thread have already said, the information is here. There are - at the time of writing - 579 comments on this thread and many of them will help you get your head around this. Read them. It's not our job to spoon feed education on this subject into you.

I have strengths and weaknesses, I don't think of myself as an alpha male (though I've just googled and found a list of traits and two third or so apply to me I think), I don't really give a shit about social hierarchy (but then again if I was low status maybe I would). Anyway, I just have no concept of what it must be like as a woman dealing with low status men looking for power.

The alpha male/low status/power comments make you sound like a Pick Up Artist or someone who has read "The Game" too many times, no matter how much you tell us you frequent the Feminism boards here.

Battleneck. Enough with the me-railing and hyperbole.

Ask yourself (no need to share your answers on here) - do you ever think first before striking up a conversation with another man? Even if they for example aren’t making eye contact / appear physically stronger than you / are possibly gay and might think you are chatting them up?

Now go and re-read the posts about checking visual cues before striking up conversations with people.

Now remember women are people too, and apply the same to them.

@Battleneck

Thank you for your comment, random man.

@HoppingPavlova Why do you come on here,to massage your ego, pissing on the rest of us sharing our painful experiences as women? @Battleneck This thread isn't about you, your life, how you learn-it's not appropriate to come on a thread about women who are victims of male aggression and make it all about you,especially if you've read all these posts refuting your ignorance!

@FoxgloveSummers Ever since I was a little girl I've been subject to "oh you like X team, tell me 10 of their players then"

Me too! The one I used to get when I was younger was ‘name 10 football stadiums’ it’s so tiresome 🙄 Why do we have to be quizzed to prove ourselves.

@FoxgloveSummers

AIBU to just skip all "Battleneck"'s comments on here because if I want a man's perspective I can just walk down the street and wait?

One response I have used is "would you say that to a man?" They generally get confused, lie "...yes", and look confused some more.

This did make me laugh 😆

@Battleneck I'm reminded of a Simpsons quote.

@Flyingantday

And of course if a woman has engaged in a friendly matter with a man and he then assaults her, it can then be claimed that she lead him on/gave him the wrong idea/consented. women really can’t win here

Also this. Horribly true. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, and women live with this, are always aware of it, and need to lead their lives always with this as a background for their interactions with any random men (or even men they know who might deliberately "misunderstand" that "no" means "no" not "yes").

@BrightYellowDaffodil

But whatever the cause I CAN'T GET MY HEAD AROUND how many people give a shit what random fucking idiots say.

As so many posters on this thread have already said, the information is here. There are - at the time of writing - 579 comments on this thread and many of them will help you get your head around this. Read them. It's not our job to spoon feed education on this subject into you.

I have strengths and weaknesses, I don't think of myself as an alpha male (though I've just googled and found a list of traits and two third or so apply to me I think), I don't really give a shit about social hierarchy (but then again if I was low status maybe I would). Anyway, I just have no concept of what it must be like as a woman dealing with low status men looking for power.

The alpha male/low status/power comments make you sound like a Pick Up Artist or someone who has read "The Game" too many times, no matter how much you tell us you frequent the Feminism boards here.

As so many posters on this thread have already said, the information is here. There are - at the time of writing - 579 comments on this thread and many of them will help you get your head around this. Read them. It's not our job to spoon feed education on this subject into you.

Said much more succinctly than I could 👍🏻

@Wavypurple

A few years ago I was sat outside a cafe with a (female, I should add. Doubt he would’ve spoken to me had they been male) friend and a man a few tables over interrupted us mid conversation to comment on how I was wearing too much mascara and that it gave the appearance that my eyes were glued together I replied that I liked the way it looked and he said that a lot of ‘people’ prefer the natural look. Instead of telling him to fuck off (there were children around) I just said that I don’t make every decision in my life to please random men. Incredibly he carried on interrupting our conversations the whole time we were there. From about three metres away.

I’m reminded of this post. Random men interrupting conversations. Unable to read the room.

(Apologies for any pandering to the me-railing).

Battleneck,

Is anyone here saying that men should do their absolute best to never speak to female strangers? It seems to me that many are implying this, but maybe they're not. If you are implying this then do you think that there should be government advertising campaigns telling men not to speak to women they don't know? Should legislation be brought in?
Don't be silly about 'legislation'.
You're being very disingenuous. The discussion, fairly obviously, isn't about men 'never speaking to female strangers'; it's about men saying personal things to women like the OP's example of 'You’ll get fat eating that', or the 'Cheer up love' variety, which suggests that the woman isn't looking smiley enough for the random man's liking.

Is anyone here saying that men should do their absolute best to never speak to female strangers

No

a man a few tables over interrupted us mid conversation to comment on how I was wearing too much mascara and that it gave the appearance that my eyes were glued together. I replied that I liked the way it looked and he said that a lot of ‘people’ prefer the natural look. Instead of telling him to fuck off (there were children around) I just said that I don’t make every decision in my life to please random men

Yep, our mission in life obviously 🙄 These men are so conditioned to believe we value their opinion!

It’s like Instagram Reels are in my brain at the moment:

www.instagram.com/reel/CRT37CyKnS_/?utm_medium=copy_link (Yes, do not disturb!)

www.instagram.com/p/CEDCyTejJsS/?utm_medium=copy_link (Also this)

It seems to me that many are implying this, but maybe they're not. If you are implying this then do you think that there should be government advertising campaigns telling men not to speak to women they don't know? Should legislation be brought in?

Ah, this is one of my favourite tactics: hyperbole. Leaping straight to the most extreme conclusion - which absolutely no-one else will have mentioned or suggested - in order to either belittle the original point, or get the response of "Of course that's not what we mean at all" in which case the hyperbolic commenter has heard what they wanted to hear and translated that into not having to change their views/actions/attitudes.

It's absolutely the same with Random Comment Men who will see it as a personal insult if they get anything other than simpering gratitude from a woman in response to their comments. "I was only trying to be helpful by saying that muffin will make you fat! Jesus, I don't suppose I'm allowed to say anything to anyone any more!"

Don't fucking do that.

I was doing my food shop a few weeks ago wearing flip flops, I'm 5'2", and a much older man stopped me and said "How do you reach the items on the top shelf? Women like you should wear heels?"
I was post nights and totally flabbergasted so just stared at him in disbelief over my mask and then walked off. Initially thought oh it's just his generation but the more I've thought of it, it's rude however I dress it up

@OneTC

Is anyone here saying that men should do their absolute best to never speak to female strangers

No

Great, in that case I'm not sure that there are many people on this thread who I disagree with! If any.

My confusion arises from the numerous comments which suggest that many women are completely on edge from the moment a man opens his mouth, however innocent what they say is. Whilst I understand that sharing experiences is a valid and reasonable thing to do, I am a typical man, more interested in solutions than feelings.

It seems to me that we all agree -

(1) men should not be knobs

(2) men should not be threatening or violent

(3) some women will sometimes feel uncomfortable and / or annoyed that their day has been interrupted by random men who are not knobs and who are not threatening and violent, but there is nothing we can or should do about that.

"How do you reach the items on the top shelf?"

"I stand on the bodies of my victims."