The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

I once 'answered back' to a guy in a pub that made some random comment about the way I looked. He squared up to me ( huge biker looking type ) and wanted to 'take it outside'

Jo Brand on whether trivial things matter.

(Ian Hislop should have just clapped!)

@ravenmum Jo sums it up perfectly there.

Little stuff but it is wearing.

Caretaker said to me 'smile, might never happen'. Irony is that I'm fairly smiley - whereas his team are notoriously a bunch of faces like slapped arses. Always, always sour looking and surly, never say hello back if you say bid them a good morning etc.

Maybe estates management gets you down after a while, leaks, holes in the ceiling, blocked loos etc. Or maybe it attracts a certain kind of dour world hating middle aged man. On the job spec?

I have never have the urge to tell them to smile! They would probably growl. Maybe that's what I'll do next time. Goes off to practise menacing growl

I read this thread earlier and since then, whenever the line "thanks for your comment random man" pops into my head, I start chuckling to myself. Such a brilliant retort

If you're female and start to imagine yourself telling some random bloke to cheer up, or not to eat something as they'll get fat- it becomes apparent just how weird it is! I might start trying it just to see what happens

That’s so true! I’ve never thought about it that way round but it really does highlight what very odd behaviour it is!

I can imagine aggression back if a female said cheer up to a male

Women have been so conditioned to just smile and let it go - don't do that as it just encourages them. If I get any more comments in future, such as those on this thread, I am going to say "Why do you think your opinion is of any interest to me whatsoever?", and move on before they get their breath back.

I'm pretty sure your penis doesn't make your car amphibious
You win the internet today. I'm howling. Brilliant.

YANBU OP. I love your comment! Will nick that.

I was walking over the bridge next to my house this afternoon. The bridge has three steps up and down either side. When I was about a yard away, two men on bikes came careening past me, very close and fast, and cut right in front of me. But then of course they had to stop because of the steps. Their bikes were across the path but after some faffing they moved them aside and one said to me, 'you go ahead,' which I did. As I walked past, he yelled "YOU'RE WELCOME!' I kept walking, but said, 'well you did cut me up just so you could hold me up at the bridge.' Then he yelled after me, 'BIKES ARE FASTER THAN PEOPLE' at which point I think his mate told him to shut up. Really, are bikes faster than people? If only I'd known that, I wouldn't have been annoyed at you cutting me up and then being a passive aggressive dickhead about it.

He wouldn't have behaved that way to a man, because of the risk the man would punch his fucking lights out.

When in any situation, the first thought that pops in your mind is down to your conditioning. How you choose to act in regards to that first thought is down to your character.

Men may not be able to help the thoughts that pop into their mind, but then can certainly control whether to express those thoughts or not. Those that do choose to express their thoughts to strangers (women in this case) are of dubious character.

They are saying something to you that you didn’t ask for, or want to be subjected to. If they genuinely feel that it is ok for them to say what they want, and if you don’t appreciate what they say then the problem lies with you, then they are quite frankly idiots.

I hate this shit too.
Not had it in a long time. I remember a guy saying to me once on the street and I just said 'fuck off'.
I got a load of verbal abuse back but it was still very satisfying.

Am I the only one however who thinks that OP's response was actually rather crap?
These blokes probably aren't that smart and he possibly actually did think you were genuinely thanking him.

it's not necessary to be cutting towards them

Why not? They'll never learn otherwise.

These blokes probably aren't that smart and he possibly actually did think you were genuinely thanking him.

He definitely didn't think she was thanking him. He said there was no need to be rude to him and then called her a stroppy cow.

@StopCryingYourHeartOut

I hate this shit too. Not had it in a long time. I remember a guy saying to me once on the street and I just said 'fuck off'. I got a load of verbal abuse back but it was still very satisfying.

Am I the only one however who thinks that OP's response was actually rather crap?
These blokes probably aren't that smart and he possibly actually did think you were genuinely thanking him.

But he didn't misunderstand, because he muttered about OP being a stroppy cow, which shows he didn't get the response he felt entitled to. We're all conditioned as women to different extents, we don't all automatically come out with the most witty thing, which is why so many of us say something (or don't!) and then think of any amazing response later. Also, "fuck off" isn't actually that easy to those of us totally raised as people pleasers. And it depends on a myriad of things too, location (am I too near my home to piss this man off?), likelihood of violence as a response, chance of seeing/working with/needing this person in future... there's a lot we women assess in that split second when we get an unsolicited comment. So I for one think OP's response was good, because she got her point across, he felt it, but she wasn't so rude that she tipped the scales towards sympathy for him in the eyes of others.

Late to this glorious, beautiful thread.

Thank you 🙏

@dcilovett that FOD video is SUPERB.

Thank you for sharing!!!

"A RANDOM MAN HAS LIFE ADVICE!!"

I was in a shop yesterday looking at lingerie and some random woman starting talking to me about how she could never find a bra that
fitted. I was polite but made it clear I didn’t really want to engage in conversation but she just kept talking! That’s ok, no problem, maybe some people just like to converse with others as they don’t have much adult conversation at home

So was she saying your bra was wrong for you and you should try this one?
Did she comment that you dont need a bra? The implication you are pert enough?
Was she getting in digs at the double boob effect your current bra is giving you?
What was the power play? Was it a back handed compliment?
Did she tell you that the lingerie you were looking at would make you look fat?

I was packing my kids into the car after a shop and my youngest one had a lollipop in her hand. Random man comes right up to her door and asks her for a lollipop. I quickly shut her door and he tells me they will be hot. I ask him to move aside so I could put their seat belts on. Random man tells me he will not move and he can stand wherever he wants. I shouted really loud to get people's attention and told him to move aside and that he was scaring my kids. I told Random man I would call the Police. Random man says I should call the Police and he would get me arrested when they come. I pull my phone out and pretend to dial and make a call. Random man couldn't get out of there quick enough.

@brokenbiscuitsx

Exactly, who walks around with a perma grin like a crazed maniac. I feel like walking around and telling random men to “cheer up!”

Why do they do it? What do they think it will achieve? The worst I had, “smile you’d be so much more attractive!” Ugh, I’m not here for you to look at 🤮
.

On smiling: there is a general expectation that women should be smiling all the time. Even when in pain. Notice the gymnasts: the women have to smile doing the floor routine, whereas the men look deadly serious. Women get lower marks if they don’t. Double standards much.

I hate the patriarchy. Well done for telling random man off.

@PluggingAway

I've lost count of the amount of random men who tell me off for not smiling at them.

I have never, ever, in my 35 years of life, had a woman tell me off for not smiling. Literally never happened.

Yes. Thanks, OP for your phrase: #thanksforyourcommentrandomman It's genius

I absolutely hated all the stupid comments and cat calling when I was a school girl (80s).

It’s entitlement, arrogance and wilful ignorance. Even nice men don’t really see us as people equal to them.

I was carrying a large box, but not heavy through a car park after click and collect recently. And this man literally followed me through the car park, the conversation went something like this:

Man: do you want a hand with that?
Me: That's very kind but no thank you I'm ok.

The above I was fine with, someone just being helpful no problem, but then it descended quickly

Man: oh come off it no need to be miss independent
Me: it's fine honestly, it's not heavy, I'm fine
Man: going to be stroppy now are you?
Me: No, my car is just over there I can do it
Man: Just let me carry the box will you
Me: No
Man: come on it's bigger than you (it wasn't) you could easily fit in it
Me: No thank you, and if you carry on it will be you fitting in it as your coffin now leave me alone!!
Man: oh whatever you moody bitch.
Me: Just fuck off!

@TheSkatesOfCoachBombay

I was carrying a large box, but not heavy through a car park after click and collect recently. And this man literally followed me through the car park, the conversation went something like this:

Man: do you want a hand with that?
Me: That's very kind but no thank you I'm ok.

The above I was fine with, someone just being helpful no problem, but then it descended quickly

Man: oh come off it no need to be miss independent
Me: it's fine honestly, it's not heavy, I'm fine
Man: going to be stroppy now are you?
Me: No, my car is just over there I can do it
Man: Just let me carry the box will you
Me: No
Man: come on it's bigger than you (it wasn't) you could easily fit in it
Me: No thank you, and if you carry on it will be you fitting in it as your coffin now leave me alone!!
Man: oh whatever you moody bitch.
Me: Just fuck off!

Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear details just such a scenario in the opening pages of his book, and the consequences it led to.

This post is chilling.

I didn't feel scared or anything, I think I just kept getting more vexed and annoyed at being pestered. Like how many times did I have to say no thank you. Genuinely felt like just hurling the fucking box at his face by the end 🙄

Just remembered my favourite ever tweet...