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Original poster

The random comment men

1000 replies

brokenbiscuitsx · 28/07/2021 11:00

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

OP posts:
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7
RandomLondoner · 28/07/2021 18:52

I’ve never seen men telling other men to smile …

That’s why I think it’s s power play

I reckon the reason men engage unnecessarily with women is because they want to have sex with them. They don't necessarily think it will happen, they haven't thought it through, it's just instinctive to engage...

So I disagree about the power play thing.

The reason they don't say it to other men is because they don't want to have sex with them.

WorriedWishingWell · 28/07/2021 18:53

[quote dcilovett]@brokenbiscuitsx you need to watch this

m.youtube.com/watch?v=AX4sf1JVY24[/quote]
Thanks for the link. I read the comments too, men really don't get it Grin

tommyhoundmum · 28/07/2021 18:53

KombuchaKrisis

That was really impudent of him to say that to you.

RandomLondoner · 28/07/2021 18:53

Even if it is a power play, the purpose of the power will be to get sex.

You won't go far wrong if you assume the reason a man does absolutely anything is to get sex.

sueelleker · 28/07/2021 18:58

"No need to be so rude" "I was just thinking the same thing about you".

KisstheTeapot14 · 28/07/2021 18:58

@dcilovett that is excellent - love it when she summons all the women to the park ''A random man has life advice!''

ohthatbloodycat · 28/07/2021 19:00

I hate this too, everyone. It hasn't happened to me in years though, I have to say.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 28/07/2021 19:01

@SheilaMoon

But the examples you have given can and do come from women too! It seems you just want to moan about men which of course is your choice. I don’t get why people get so wound up about such trivial nonsense. People - yes both genders randomly make comments/ talk to me all the time. I’m always polite back, why wouldn’t I be?

I was in a shop yesterday looking at lingerie and some random woman starting talking to me about how she could never find a bra that fitted. I was polite but made it clear I didn’t really want to engage in conversation but she just kept talking! That’s ok, no problem, maybe some people just like to converse with others as they don’t have much adult conversation at home.

It’s a shame you feel the need to pigeon hole people. That is unreasonable. At the end of the day who cares?!

The big difference is she was being self critical, sharing a moment of possible empathy about something you were both doing. "I can never get a bra to fit" is miles away from "eating those will make you fat" one is self deprecating, the other is critical of you.

People strike up conversations with others randomly all the time. It's a certain type of men talking to women in a rude / critical / unsolicited advice way that is the issue here.

Nayday · 28/07/2021 19:09

Never seen men telling other men to smile/eat more/less etc and other unsolicited direct comments. Nor from women to men either funnily enough. I'm female and can't imagine being in a shop and commenting on someone's choice in a negative way. I do think that some women will tut or be passive aggressive ie loud comments obviously aimed at someone but normally in reaction to some social infringement ie queue pushing.

If you're female and start to imagine yourself telling some random bloke to cheer up, or not to eat something as they'll get fat- it becomes apparent just how weird it is! I might start trying it just to see what happens 😂

It smacks of male privilege and sense of safety, and also ownership. There's no threat to a man commenting on a female, they don't fear physical harm. Equally their male status gives them the right to. In most cases that's why I think they're so surprised when they get called out on it - it's so subconscious and habitual that they're genuinely stung when called out - 'can't you take a joke' type reaction because they can't accept that what they've just said/done is rude, it's normal isn't it?! As an extension to that, when I've been in countries with a more conservative culture and even greater sense of ownership of women - the street calling is even worse and more aggressive, hissing, grabbing etc. It's the extreme end of the scale but it all comes back to a male entitled sense of ownership on a woman's appearance and behaviours...

MarshaBradyo · 28/07/2021 19:10

@Nayday

Never seen men telling other men to smile/eat more/less etc and other unsolicited direct comments. Nor from women to men either funnily enough. I'm female and can't imagine being in a shop and commenting on someone's choice in a negative way. I do think that some women will tut or be passive aggressive ie loud comments obviously aimed at someone but normally in reaction to some social infringement ie queue pushing.

If you're female and start to imagine yourself telling some random bloke to cheer up, or not to eat something as they'll get fat- it becomes apparent just how weird it is! I might start trying it just to see what happens 😂

It smacks of male privilege and sense of safety, and also ownership. There's no threat to a man commenting on a female, they don't fear physical harm. Equally their male status gives them the right to. In most cases that's why I think they're so surprised when they get called out on it - it's so subconscious and habitual that they're genuinely stung when called out - 'can't you take a joke' type reaction because they can't accept that what they've just said/done is rude, it's normal isn't it?! As an extension to that, when I've been in countries with a more conservative culture and even greater sense of ownership of women - the street calling is even worse and more aggressive, hissing, grabbing etc. It's the extreme end of the scale but it all comes back to a male entitled sense of ownership on a woman's appearance and behaviours...

I agree

And the male on thread shows how engrained this is to them

BuddleiasBeesAndButterflies · 28/07/2021 19:16

I got the 'cheer up, it might never happen', I was sat in a GP surgery's waiting room in tears, my DP had just died in a horrific accident and I had been vomiting non stop for two days. My dad who was with me said he's only trying to be nice Hmm. No, you do not tell people sat crying in a doctors surgery of all places to cheer up, who knows what news they've just been given!

WineAcademy · 28/07/2021 19:17

We are allowed to exist in public. Thats what it comes down to. We can't just be, we have to exist under a set of ever-changing and yet mysteriously obvious rules and regulations in order to be allowed out of doors. Does my fucking head in.

WineAcademy · 28/07/2021 19:19

*aren't!!

SeeYaBeYa · 28/07/2021 19:22

Yy it's definitely entitlement and it's worse in more restrictive countries. Eg when I went to Turkey it was unbearable. I'd never go back there again for this reason.

It's men proclaiming ownership of public spaces.

Happens to me less now that I'm a stone overweight and have a perimenopausal perma-glare but I had close to four decades of this shit previously.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 28/07/2021 19:23

People, usually men, that say stuff like "cheer up might never happen" and "smile" to anyone let alone total strangers and crying in a doctors are the most irritating, basic and fucking stupid people. Sorry for your loss @BuddleiasBeesAndButterflies Thanks

MarshaBradyo · 28/07/2021 19:24

Also if males think it’s nothing they don’t say to their Ds don’t or to Dd it’s not right.

It just carries on getting normalised

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 28/07/2021 19:25

@LadyCatStark

I have a naturally miserable face 😂 and I always get, “smile, it might never happen!”
  1. Why would I be wandering through Aldi car park with a huge smile on my face and
  2. what if it already has happened?
My DM's constantly judgy about people in Sainsbury's looking miserable, I've pointed out that buying frozen peas and washing up liquid doesn't fill me with joy either.
HyacynthBucket · 28/07/2021 19:25

A random man in a shop told me that I needed to smile more ( it was said aggressively as in 'Wipe that miserable look off your face, it is offending me"). To which I was able to reply truthfully that my mother had just died. He did not have the good grace to say anything else.

MarshaBradyo · 28/07/2021 19:26

It crossed my mind Hilary Clinton created that fixed smile to counteract this idea women can’t look grumpy. Her male counterparts could though

Nayday · 28/07/2021 19:26

@SheilaMoon we get worked up by 'trivial nonsense' because that's how we change it and make it better. Most things we accept as better in modern society today started with someone going 'that's really shit, let's change it'. Society doesn't usually respond 'oh yes wonderful let's change immediately!' it reacts by muttering about it being trivial or things being fine as they are. They're not. We should aim higher. On thr flip side it might also stop men being told to 'man-up' and men don't cry - and other toxic masculinity crap that causes no end of issues, but I digress.
No, it's not 'trivial'.

Chickenyhead · 28/07/2021 19:27

But I DO think it is deliberate when it is said at a particularly traumatic time.

Or are we supposed to believe that men don't pick up on body language, facial expressions, eye contact. Non verbal communication.

Because I get harassed far more when distressed.

HyacynthBucket · 28/07/2021 19:28

[BuddleiasBeesAndButterflies] That is so awful.Flowers

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 28/07/2021 19:30

@Nerfelite

I have a death stare I give these types of people. I don't even dignify their bullshit with a response.

Can I ask a legitimate question OP? Are you comparatively young? I've found a lot of the random man bullshit has dwindled as I reached my late 30s. Now I'm in my 40s, I am virtually invisible (thank fuck)

When I was in my 40s a white van man yelled to XH "Your wife's got grey hair!" No shit, Sherlock.
Millymog · 28/07/2021 19:35

I agree with NayDay at 19.09

The other sad thing about how entrenched the sub conscious male privilege is of men doing these things, is that sometimes these attitudes and behaviours are actually reinforced and entrenched by women.

An example would be my ex mother in law. Ironic really as she had actively divorced her ex husband leaving him for another man (i.e. she was independent and in some ways rebellious), and yet the list of standards or values she would be very vocal about to me was never ending and to me were things which might have originated from men in society:

  • when I did not cut my hair short when i turned 40 she was horrified
  • when I mentioned I was needing to breastfeed either of my children when they were babies she said "I will bring a cup of tea up to the bedroom for you" (i.e. breastfeeding must never be seen and must be spoken about as little as possible)
  • she always had a kind of "confused" (I do not think she was confused at all) voice if my ex husband was ever cooking the evening meal
  • when I did not take my ex husband's surname to begin with after our marriage (it was mainly for professional reasons as I had a reputation with my maiden name) she was totally horrified and used to ask me why not on a regular basis.

There are other examples I can think of in society generally where women reinforce male privilege actively by their words or actions - for example - anyone who votes for and actively ignores the prime minister's private life as a woman is reinforcing that women have no or very little standing of their own in their private life.

noodlezoodle · 28/07/2021 19:45

OP you're my hero.

Love this thread (apart from the unironic Random Man with endless, missing-the-point comments) and am off to buy a thousand badges from that shop.

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