The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

@Twattergy

Things that invite random man comments: -Wearing a slogan t-shirt (in my early 20s I had a charity shop Brownies t shirt, you know yellow with brown lettering across the front, and I've never had so many pervy comments from randoms)

• carrying any of sort musical instrument in a case
• carrying any unusual item
• pushing a buggy

It's infuriating. They think it is flirtation or fun/nice. I just want them to back out of my business. This was a major hazard when I was sub 40, and not so much now. A benefit of aging...

Agreed. I get so many comments from men if I'm carrying my guitar. Most common: anything along the lines of "Can you actually play that, love?" Yes thanks. That's why I've got it.

Even when it's not a horrible comment I have an adrenalin response to it.

When DD was little I was walking down the street and out of the corner of my eye saw this white work van slowing down next to me and this man leaning out of his window to yell something.

He was yelling "Oi" to get my attention and I can still feel the way I started to tense up and steel myself for whatever horrible thing was coming (it's usually big boob related for me) and I was prepping my face to deal with whatever it was and he yelled. "your baby dropped her doll", and I looked back and she had a few yards away.

I don't know if I had time to rearrange my face into a thank you/smile before he drove off because I was still so ready for something nasty. Heart rate was up, and the relief that washed over me when it was not only a horrible thing it was a nice gesture.

That's what decades of being yelled at in public does to you - almost made me cry that a strange man was kind rather than abusive.

YABU he wasn’t being rude, he wasn’t calling you fat, he was trying to make a joke

Bullies always say that

Tell them "sorry, I don't understand Twatish", and be on your way

@SheilaMoonOh I agree shouting random stupid and unnecessary comments with or without a sexual context is completely unreasonable. From what I read though this was more about someone just commenting and the OP taking offence as a) it was a man and b) op didn’t really like the content of what was said

You're spectacularly missing the point!

Most common: anything along the lines of "Can you actually play that, love?" Yes thanks. That's why I've got it.

Or trying to educate you about your own instrument, or why you should have a different model, or 'play us a song then'. What? On the bus? Its not a fashion accessory, it's a thing I do. I guess that's the problem?

I'd have taken all the inane clunky comments with a pinch of salt and smiled sweetly. Not everyone has good repartee but it's not necessary to be cutting towards them unless the comment is sexual and then I would slap.

'I don't remember asking for your opinion'. That would have been my response, good on you for saying something.

@toocold54

YABU he wasn’t being rude, he wasn’t calling you fat, he was trying to make a joke I always talk to random people but out of most people I know I do this the least. I’d really hate to be a man.

It's not a joke. There are several things un-jokey and wrong with it. None of his fucking business for a start and also women aren't there to be dainty pretty things conforming to what he thinks is appropriate for women to do /eat /look like. He does not have the right to assert any views over her or attempt to perpetuate male dominant views that maintain control over women.

I used to get lots in the olden days when I was young and looked approachable - and worth approaching. It was generally the prelude to a chat up.

I developed a few standard replies from innocuous, "it already has" (happened), to (from the reactions, terribly rude) "it's so sweet you think I care".

@mustlovegin

But it's just people making conversation (I understand without doing any harm)

I'm afraid you sound like hard work OP

Being told you will get fat? That's just "making conversation?" Careful dear, your internalised misogyny is showing.

@iloveeverykindofcat

Most common: anything along the lines of "Can you actually play that, love?" Yes thanks. That's why I've got it.

Or trying to educate you about your own instrument, or why you should have a different model, or 'play us a song then'. What? On the bus? Its not a fashion accessory, it's a thing I do. I guess that's the problem?

Oh yes. The ones who think they're Hendrix standard in their own head, when actually they can just ineffectually strum to a bit of Oasis from their teen years. Someone upthread mentioned Orianthi: I bet she still gets it all the time.

I work with a guy who, for various reasons, wanted to put together a cover of a song that was famously covered in lockdown by a bunch of music artists and was beloved by Radio 2 at the time. He sent me a link to the tab and explained it probably wasn't too hard to play, could I maybe try and have a go, perhaps? Thanks mate, I've been playing guitar since I was 16, I think I can handle four basic chords on repeat. But just for that, no, I will not "have a go". Do it yourself if it's that simple. He just bleated something about not being able to play the guitar and the whole idea fizzled, thankfully.

@mustlovegin

But it's just people making conversation (I understand without doing any harm)

I'm afraid you sound like hard work OP

And if that's your comment after reading this thread then I'm afraid you sound like a dick

I once had a friend’s husband tell me and his wife that women over 40 should not wear shorts or skirts above the knees.

I’m now 56 and still proudly wear shorts above the knees - we are not friends anymore - I’ve got divorced and don’t fit in their friends set anymore.

@viques

If you can’t remember the brilliant “thanks for the comment random man” , then look puzzled and ask them to repeat it, if they won’t then you say “not important then?” . If they do then still look puzzled , shrug your shoulders and say “”sorry, I don’t get it, was it a joke or something? ”

This is what I do. Ask them to repeat it once or twice, look puzzled and then go ‘huh?’,and walk away smiling. Drives them nuts🤣

Was OP cutting or rude to these men?

RM: You’ll get fat eating that
OP: Thanks for your comment, random man
RM: ... stroppy cow...

Who's rude in that interchange? RM, both times, surely? OP's comment comes across to me as very mild, potentially even good-humoured depending on how it's said.

RM: What’s your favourite song then?
OP: Heartbreaker - you probably haven’t heard of it.

Is that not just answering his question? Then a mild nod at his "then" which also suggests that he thinks she won't know a song?

How demure should OP have been?

@brokenbiscuitsx you need to watch this

m.youtube.com/watch?v=AX4sf1JVY24

I have a feeling that "Thanks for your comment, Random Man" is going to become a thing. And I'll be doing my part to make it so! Nice work!

@ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule Uggggh just so patronising. The weirdest was when a guy leaned over my shoulder as I was compiling a list of backing tracks on Spotify and said

"May I say.....you have impeccable taste".

LOL THEY WERE FOR IMPROVISATION, HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

Ive not read the full thread, but just want to say how much I agree with the OP. I HATE men who make random comments. I remember this, even as a child. Back then I never knew what to say and would go red and feel embarrassed and stupid. Now I just roll me eyes, but it still pissed me off.

A few of the top of my head that give me the rage -

'Smile, it might never happen'
'Why the serious face?'
' Oooh you're not going to eat that are you?'
'Naughty, naughty' (when they see you buying a cake or something)
'Where's the fire?' (When you're in a bloody rush and don't want to stop and chat)
'Off to the gym, are we?' (As they letch over your legs in leggings)

I am definitely going to use "Thanks for your comment, random man" in the future. I love it!

I used to have resting miserable bitch face which I had no problem with at all. I smiled and still smile when the smile takes me - a lot more these days as I start to look more and more like a bloodhound when my face rests too much. I'd had one too many "smile, it might never happen" from yet another random man so replied. "It already has. My whole family were killed in a car accident." Obviously, that wasn't true I just wanted him to have a good hard think about telling random women to smile in future. Fucking dickheads.

@ravenmum

Was OP cutting or rude to these men?

RM: You’ll get fat eating that
OP: Thanks for your comment, random man
RM: ... stroppy cow...

Who's rude in that interchange? RM, both times, surely? OP's comment comes across to me as very mild, potentially even good-humoured depending on how it's said.

RM: What’s your favourite song then?
OP: Heartbreaker - you probably haven’t heard of it.

Is that not just answering his question? Then a mild nod at his "then" which also suggests that he thinks she won't know a song?

How demure should OP have been?

They should have both smiled sweetly*, giggled, and blushed, while coyly looking away in Lady Di circa 1981 style. Anything else shows them up to be the man-hating embittered old harridans they clearly are, and shrivels a man's genitals in 2 seconds flat. *Why on MN does everyone have to smile sweetly?

I once had a bus driver tell me my son was 'too big to be in a buggy'.

A. None of his business
B. He wasn't - he was about 3 or 4 and had a disability you couldn't see which made him very tired by the end of nursery - even we didn't know at the time, but I knew he couldn't walk all the way home.

It really irritated me that a random man felt compelled to comment - and no it wasn't said as a 'joke'. He was quite aggressive about it, like I was an irresponsible mother.

I didn't say anything back as I needed the bus to get us both home. I had just found out I had Chronic Fatigue (a disease which affects more women than men, partly biological obviously, partly some new research suggests linked to childhood trauma - I could tell you at least 3 things and 2 of them directly link to being a girl e.g. abuse within family). Anyway I'm going off track now.

Really just wanted to say that this sort of everyday sexism makes our lives just that bit bloody harder than they have to be.

I was out on Saturday and did a half run to catch up with my friends and this guy asked me when my baby was due. Not being pregnant, that was nice

So many examples but the one that really sticks in my head was many, many, many years ago…I was in a nightclub dancing away and a Random Man tapped me on the shoulder, pointed to another woman dancing near by and said “well, her bum is bigger than yours”! WTF??!