The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

@mustlovegin

But it's just people making conversation (I understand without doing any harm)

I'm afraid you sound like hard work OP

Yes, when I start conversations with strangers I always call them 'stroppy cow' and comment on their weight.

It's fine!!!!!

I had a man once say to me “you’ve put on a lb or 2, you’d be too much woman for me” so I said “luckily (my husbands name) doesn’t agree and has a massive pair of feet so I couldn’t care less” and laughed. He was short chubby bald and older than my dad, and was my dads friend and knew me since I was about 5, so the whole thing was creepy.

*But it's just people making conversation (I understand without doing any harm)

I'm afraid you sound like hard work OP*

So telling a perfect stranger that hat they’re eating will make them fat is just “making conversation”?

Blimey, basic manners and social skills really have gone downhill then. Anyone who thinks such comments is making conversation needs to brush up hard on manners or not talk to people period.

*what they’re

@mustlovegin How can you read the OP's post and draw the conclusion she is "hard work?!" These comments to us as women from men telling us how to do something, how to dress,how to exercise, how to hold our facial expressions are purely an entitled and sexist appropriation of our autonomy. We aren't talking about friendly chatter "Nice shoes" "Wow it's cold this morning!"

@TiredButDancing

You genuinely believe that most times men make comments about weight or smiling they are deliberately trying to hurt or exert power over women?

No, they're doing it because they instinctively and deep down already believe they have power over women and that their opinions are therefore valid no matter how irrelevant they are or how little they know about a situation and a woman. They don't need to think, "I should exert power" because the very fact they're doing it is based on the belief that it is their RIGHT to say and do whatever they like and that women should listen and obey.

Exactly!!

@CarnationCat

Ughhh. Well done for that comment. I am not good when put on the spot and when men try and show power like this, my default is to ignore or just smile. I am the passive woman because I can't think what to do/say on the spot. Tips please!

arsephincter says what. What? Thought so.

I was eating a bag of crisps on a bus and a man looked at me and said, 'I bet you wonder why you're fat?"
I was 6 months pregnant.

I was on a tram with my newborn and a man said to me, "She's a big baby, bet you're going to need a massive dildo now"

I was picking raspberries in the park and a man walked up to me. He said "Blackberries aren't ripe yet."
I'm picking raspberries.
"No you're not, they don't grow here."

Fuck off with your random comments.

I remember walking with my daughter aged about 2.5 and she was eating an egg and cress sandwich. Random man ‘you’ll get fat if you keep eating like that’ to my very dainty 2 year old eating a sandwich. I’m not sure why they feel entitled to offer their opinion randomly - I find it rude and think you’re right to answer back as you did.

Well done on answering back. I can’t help myself these days and just reply with ‘what the fuck has it got to do with you?’! It’s left a few speechless as I dashed off (I’m not that brave sometimes).

No idea but your quips back are impressive!

Glad you replied assertively, what a wanker. Women don't comment on men and their choices in cafes....why should we suffer in silence?

I'm in a second hand record shop, and a woman is next to me also browsing. She pulls out a record to take a closer look. I, innocently, say, "l love that record, one of my favourite bands".*

WE DONT CARE.

The very fact you think a woman you don't know gives a shiny shit about your opinion proves exactly what this thread is ALL about. You are steeped in patriarchal entitlement and can't even see it.

YABU he wasn’t being rude, he wasn’t calling you fat, he was trying to make a joke
I always talk to random people but out of most people I know I do this the least.
I’d really hate to be a man.

I have just sent a message to a man on Ebay selling a vehicle. I asked politely if it was on a forecourt so I could just turn up to look at it or if I had to make an appointment to see it. I used the word please twice in the short message and the photo's look like the car is on a forecourt. The 'Ebay name' of the person has the word trade in it which is why I asked the question rather than assume it's aprivate sale.

I've just had a really nasty stroppy response as if I have asked the most stupid question in the world. Very tempted to make an appointment and not turn up but I won't lower myself to his level.

@toocold54

YABU he wasn’t being rude, he wasn’t calling you fat, he was trying to make a joke I always talk to random people but out of most people I know I do this the least. I’d really hate to be a man.

Go on then. Explain the joke. Bet you can't. Also, explain how it isn't rude to comment on people's food choices using the words "you'll get fat".

@toocold54

YABU he wasn’t being rude, he wasn’t calling you fat, he was trying to make a joke I always talk to random people but out of most people I know I do this the least. I’d really hate to be a man.

He was commenting on her body.

He is a stranger.

It is intrusive. Entitled. Not funny ha ha.

Walking across to pick up some milk from the corner store - random man yells - "you look rough love, need to take care of yourself better"

I didn't respond because I always wonder if they are so demented and hurtful that they might actually cause harm and bullies always want a response.

I also hate charity chuggers - one near me is like "Hello Mum", also health care staff who can't learn my name "Mum" no thanks not your Mum, I think I would have remembered if I was..

Good for you OP, anything that makes the stupid imbeciles stop and hopefully think twice about saying these ridiculous things in the future.

Some of the experiences people have had on here are just awful. What gives these men the right to say this stuff?

I was thinking of the times something similar had happened to me and one sticks out in my mind. I was walking along the row of local shops and one young bloke in a car full of other young blokes decided to shout out the window ‘how much love?’ It was clearly a hysterical joke said to make the others laugh at the very plain, unattractive woman walking along minding her own business. I just looked straight ahead, ignored it and carried on my way. But as comments like these always do, it’s stayed with me and is yet another comment which I won’t forget. I think it is highly unlikely that bloke would remember it the next day let alone 15 years later so why do I let these things get to me? I really wish they didn’t.

I have 3 nephews in their 20’s and I cannot imagine for one minute any of them saying any of the things other males have said on this thread. I really don’t think it would occur to any of them to randomly comment to lone women about anything at all, let alone these disparaging remarks. Where have these men learnt this stuff from? And why do they think it’s remotely acceptable? Will this behaviour ever stop? I really hope it does as the mother of a baby girl I don’t want her to have to endure this nonsense when she grows up.

Things that invite random man comments:
-Wearing a slogan t-shirt (in my early 20s I had a charity shop Brownies t shirt, you know yellow with brown lettering across the front, and I've never had so many pervy comments from randoms)

• carrying any of sort musical instrument in a case
• carrying any unusual item
• pushing a buggy

It's infuriating. They think it is flirtation or fun/nice. I just want them to back out of my business. This was a major hazard when I was sub 40, and not so much now. A benefit of aging...

Yeah good for you.

And the comments do stick don't they? You can't unhear or unsee the awful people who say them.

I do sometimes pretend I have not heard - that seems to work.

@mustlovegin

But it's just people making conversation (I understand without doing any harm)

I'm afraid you sound like hard work OP

Have you READ the thread?

OP is 'hard work' because she doesn't want judgment on what she eats or an assessment of the calorific content of her food?

What?!?!

[quote TrueRefuge]@Battleneck If you want to understand feminism, think about this (or answer these questions here on the thread for us all to understand your male experience better).

• Have you ever been told by a strange man larger than you, "Smile, you'll be more attractive"? How many times?
• Have you ever been told by your cab driver, on your own, men who get drunk deserve to be raped?
• Has a stranger ever groped you without your consent? How many times?
• When you were a child, say 12-13, were you ever wolf-whistled and cat called by groups of men in cars, whilst in your school uniform?
• Have you ever had someone stare at you out of a car window while they creep slowly alongside you as you walk alone on a dark night?
• Has a woman or man ever commented on your body or sexual attractiveness while you were just trying to go about your day? How many times?
• Have you ever been objectified at work by a colleague because of your gender? How many times?
• Have you ever got into what started as an innocent conversation with a pleasant-seeming stranger, only for them to remove their trousers and ask you to pleasure them mid-conversation?

This is a list of what I have experienced as a woman, and it doesn't include some much more personal things that would derail the thread. These are not abnormal situations for women.

And these are all the reasons why even nice-seeming, "innocent" comments are not usually welcomed by women.

The man who exposed himself to me and asked for "a favour" was in his 70s, sweet and kind, and it happened in a nice park on a lovely bright Sunday morning.

Do you think I now have any time for what some strange man thinks about the record I'm looking at?

As a man, try and remember that the average woman's experience is VERY different from the average man's, the next time you want to strike up an innocent conversation with a woman. And when you come on a thread where women are describing their experiences and try to make a point about how sometimes these are just innocent comments.

So many women have been hurt trusting men who they believed to be nice. We have been trained to do that forever. And that is why gender-based violence is the absolute shitshow that it is today.[/quote]
Hear, hear! I can relate to so much of it.

YABU he wasn’t being rude, he wasn’t calling you fat, he was trying to make a joke hmm
I always talk to random people but out of most people I know I do this the least.

How is telling a stranger what they’re going to eat is going to make them “fat”, a joke or being funny?

Explain.

@toocold54

YABU he wasn’t being rude, he wasn’t calling you fat, he was trying to make a joke I always talk to random people but out of most people I know I do this the least. I’d really hate to be a man.

Do you comment on their appearance or tell them what they should or shouldn't eat?