The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

2007, late summer. I was standing in a supermarket choosing some salad veg and a couple of blokes were near me. One looked me up and down, elbowed his companion and loudly said "I love it when fat women buy salad." The other looked at me, laughed and went "aww, bet she wishes it was Macdonald's!"

I'd given birth five days earlier.

'You look like you're going to a funeral' was one off the top of my head.

I used to live in England years ago (I'm not English though) and often found that random men would repeat something they heard me saying in an attempt at my accent.

It hasn't happened in a while but I do now have a natural response where my face twists into an expression of disgust and confusion and I just say 'Riiiiiiiight'. I cant dignify these comments with much else.

@FuckingFabulous

2007, late summer. I was standing in a supermarket choosing some salad veg and a couple of blokes were near me. One looked me up and down, elbowed his companion and loudly said "I love it when fat women buy salad." The other looked at me, laughed and went "aww, bet she wishes it was Macdonald's!"

I'd given birth five days earlier.

That's horrendous.

I'm so sorry.

Yep!! Recent one for me

I was in the supermarket and I was looking for something in the dairy aisle, random man in his 50's says "are you looking for the champagne" really loudly so others could hear with a big stupid grin on his face what on earth was that about?! I just looked at him and turned away - weirdo!

It's horrendous and it is a shame you feel the need to justify yourself. Women are allowed to buy salad, it isn't actually something that requires written permission by Men.

I may be wrong on this, and certainly the phenomenon of unwanted male comments is alive & well here, but I think the misogynistic aggressive commentary ('stroppy cow' etc) is less here in Ireland than in the UK.

(I'm sure other Irish people will correct me if I'm wrong, as basing it on my own experience / experience of peers).

However, there's 💯 a grand old support for patriarchal dominance, even along men who'd proclaim that they are anything but mansplaining random comment men. In Ireland, it's often dressed up as 'amusing jokes'. 🤨

I ran a pb the other night and stopped then slightly lost my footing getting my breath back..dick bloke walking his dog said "keep going it'll be worth it!" He had no clue how far I'd ran nor my time!

Clearly just judged me cos I'm slightly overweight and was knackered after hammering my run!

In a similar vein - I was walking with my 12 week old in her pram and a gross old builder man said 'what a yummy mummy'
And it made my skin crawl 🤢🤢🤢
Somehow made worse that I was with my baby!

I've not been told to smile in a long time, thankfully, I hoped it wasn't a thing anymore!!

I have facial palsy, get told to smile. Lol!

Just thinking about other random comments over the years.

Man saw me carrying a large box to my car, shouted at me that it wasn't going to fit through the door. It did. He was really annoyed for some reason and walked off calling me stupid.

Actual dickhead serving me at a supermarket check-out looked at my pack of dog food and asked if I was buying my lunch.

So many variations of "smile" that the last time it happened I stuck both my middle fingers up at him and pushed the corners of my mouth up with them.

Like a previous poster, two days after giving birth a man who could see me holding my newborn pointed at my stomach and asked if I still had another one in there. Some men are clearly so sheltered from how female bodies work

Working in the community with colleagues, one man bypassed all the males to come over and tell me and two female colleagues what we were doing wrong.

My next response:
"Aww... was that the cleverest thing you could think of? Never mind, eh?"

@EarringsandLipstick also Irish and also had most of my experience of the random men talk in England. Can't remember it happening in Ireland but that's not to say it didn't, and am happy to be corrected that it's a thing in Ireland as well!

Actual dickhead serving me at a supermarket check-out looked at my pack of dog food and asked if I was buying my lunch.

Like a previous poster, two days after giving birth a man who could see me holding my newborn pointed at my stomach and asked if I still had another one in there. Some men are clearly so sheltered from how female bodies work
Really dreadful. ☹️

I recognise how fortunate I've been to not have such experiences. I have not heard of women I know experiencing anything similar either.

I seem to get lots about my weight. I know I need to lose but what gives them the right to …..

Look me up and down and say “you’re fat but you hold it well”

At a family party a guy I had never met said. “You don’t eat much for a fat bird”.

Tbf it's no different to the judgey mums on here that when you mention a shop bought birthday cake for your kids birthday and have to remind you about childhood obesity statistics. Far too many people too quick throwing stones from their glass houses. The man was totally a knob but tbf there are lots of women who are just as dumb x

[quote Anonapapple]@EarringsandLipstick also Irish and also had most of my experience of the random men talk in England. Can't remember it happening in Ireland but that's not to say it didn't, and am happy to be corrected that it's a thing in Ireland as well![/quote]
Interesting Anon.

I wonder if the vile abusive comments are more a thing in the UK or if we're just lucky / representative of a certain age group / where we live or similar.

When it happens to me I either completely blank them or ask "who are you?" in a withering voice. I don't reply to their actual question, don't dignify it with a response.

@NoNameNoOne

Tbf it's no different to the judgey mums on here that when you mention a shop bought birthday cake for your kids birthday and have to remind you about childhood obesity statistics. Far too many people too quick throwing stones from their glass houses. The man was totally a knob but tbf there are lots of women who are just as dumb x

This analogy is irrelevant unless the judgy mums are randomly stopping people in the street. If you post on social media you are literally inviting responses. Not so just walking along the street.

Ughhh. Well done for that comment. I am not good when put on the spot and when men try and show power like this, my default is to ignore or just smile. I am the passive woman because I can't think what to do/say on the spot. Tips please!

Let's bring back the custom of only speaking to someone to whom you've been properly introduced. If you want to talk to me, I need a mutual acquaintance to vouch for you.

@YesPleaseMary

“Do I know you?” “No…” “Good.”

Perfect ✔️👌

But it's just people making conversation (I understand without doing any harm)

I'm afraid you sound like hard work OP

@Battleneck "As a man I think you're overthinking it."

ODFOD.

As a woman, I think you have absolutely no fucking right to be on this thread mansplaining, excusing and belittling OUR experiences and feelings. Just fuck off. We don't have to listen to you, get it? You've had the power for millenia, we are sick of it and entitled men telling us what we think.

We Don't Want Male Opinions about OUR Lives.

I think it all boils down to power, and how the particular balance of it between men and women leaves women with the short straw on all occasions except when men are perfectly decent. Women are arseholes too of course, but not in a way that is threatening to other randoms they come across.

DH actually gets FAR more in the way of unwanted comments that me (he's very open and friendly whereas I am scowly and unapproachable). It includes sexual innuendo and comments on his appearance at work, and the occasional bum pinches. It's generally from women older than him (and the bum pinches have only been from elderly women) and he does find it annoying and uncomfortable and hard to deal with BUT he never has to feel unsafe, which I think is the bottom line. The women who make the comments are not sending a potential veiled threat. He won't get followed and raped, if they suddenly attack him (which they won't) then he is strong and can defend himself. The sleazy comment I got at 15 felt quite frightening because of the potential for violence, so really wasn't the same as the sleazy comment he got at 15. We just can't escape that.

I suppose the smart comments from men may only be made to women because of the physical threat another man might pose to him - nobody's going to pipe up about a big burly bloke maybe getting fat from his big mac. I don't really think it's that though because I don't hear men making those comments to elderly ladies or men, who are probably more vulnerable than anyone else and wouldn't pose a threat. It's all about the young ladies isn't it . To some extent it may be a copied behaviour that little thought has gone into, but still, UGH. The nicest men know instinctively not to do it so it can't be too hard.

@HarebrightCedarmoon the conversation went along the lines of this:

Me "Ohh I like your shirt! Did you manage to get a ticket?"
Her "Ticket to what?"
Me: "Metallica, they went on sale yesterday"
Her "LAUGHING "Oh, they are a band? Ha! I just bought the T Shirt from H&M because I liked it, are they good?"
Me "Yes, give them a go"
Her "I will"
Random conversation continued about the event they were at.

Also worth pointing out we were in a queue at a convention so many things within it were ticketed and Metallica had gone on sale days before and sold out immediately.
It was conversation. If that makes me a smart arse I'm happy to own it.