The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

@MissChanandlerBong22

But the examples you have given can and do come from women too! It seems you just want to moan about men which of course is your choice. I don’t get why people get so wound up about such trivial nonsense. People - yes both genders randomly make comments/ talk to me all the time. I’m always polite back, why wouldn’t I be?

I’m really happy for you that you don’t know the answer to that question. Honestly, I hope you are fortunate enough never to find out.

But, then for you it is about a much deeper issue which is not what the op is about

Oh I agree shouting random stupid and unnecessary comments with or without a sexual context is completely unreasonable. From what I read though this was more about someone just commenting and the OP taking offence as a) it was a man and b) op didn’t really like the content of what was said

Correct. She didn’t like being told by a stranger that her choice of food would ‘make her fat’. I don’t blame her - would you like that? I think it’s extremely bloody rude.

I love your random man response and am going to use it.
Can someone get this going on twitter? If not suggested already?
Or fuck off random twat perhaps?

i worked in bars a lot and got this stuff all the time. like weird comments out of nowhere about how i wasn’t smiling enough that day (am i supposed to walk around grinning 24/7 like a butter?!). even had one tell me he didn’t like my eyeshadow and preferred it the week before. so fuck?! my eyes not yours mate

like a nutter not a butter 😂*

I was in a shop yesterday looking at lingerie and some random woman starting talking to me about how she could never find a bra that fitted. I was polite but made it clear I didn’t really want to engage in conversation but she just kept talking! That’s ok, no problem, maybe some people just like to converse with others as they don’t have much adult conversation at home.

Again, can't you see how this is different? I mean, yes, the social irritation of someone continuing to talk to you is not okay and can be a woman or man thing. But she was commenting on HER bra experience, not yours. This is not what OP is complaining about. A similar lingerie based experience (although, by definition, lingerie would make it far creepier) would have had the OP's Random Man saying something like, "do you think you've got the right size there love or are you being a bit optimistic?" Or perhaps, "I like the red ones myself - much sexier" or similar.

Random Comment Man will also occasionally do this to other men.

I got a "Those things will kill you" a couple of months ago. I was eating a twix, not a stick of dynamite!

was in a queue once with a girl wearing a Metallica T Shirt. I live and breathe Metallica and asked her with a smile if she'd managed to get tickets for the tour, it was a long, boring queue and I was just making conversation. She gave me a totally blank look and I had to explain they were a band and she'd bought the T Shirt from H&M and had no clue.

But why did you feel that you "had" to explain at all?

@Taliskerskye

It’s power though They know that especially younger women won’t say anything because how do we know that random man isn’t a nutter who’s going to follow you down the street screaming abuse (happened a few times)

Another thread reminded me of Margaret Atwoods powerful words: Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them".

But that's a bit heavy. Anyways, love "thanks Random man, your opinion is noted"!

I find it's older, while men who do this. Recently a friend and I were put in my garden, we'd stopped to put on sunblock, when a group of oldish men jogged past. One called out, "you should just use vitamin B6" and then the others chipped in.
We were gobsmacked, the audacity of these intrusive nobodies to dispense advice is beyond belief.

As if the Universe just all came together, this is the first Instagram Reel I just came across (apologies if you can’t see it)

www.instagram.com/reel/CRPdqa2DGRg/?utm_medium=copy_link

I was walking along the street with my toddler and baby in their pram a few weeks ago when a group of young men drove past in an Audi and shouted fat arse at me. It probably gave them a quick laugh but upset me for the rest of the day. I have PND and something like that just totally tips me over the edge.

I have no idea why men do this, I’ve had a lot of men shout things from their car at me over the years or wolf whistle or beep their horn… Worst is when random men tell you to smile, this is something I’ve dealt with since childhood. It’s always men.

Once got told: 'Smile, it might never happen' when I was on the train on the way back from a funeral..

@VeryQuaintIrene

was in a queue once with a girl wearing a Metallica T Shirt. I live and breathe Metallica and asked her with a smile if she'd managed to get tickets for the tour, it was a long, boring queue and I was just making conversation. She gave me a totally blank look and I had to explain they were a band and she'd bought the T Shirt from H&M and had no clue.

But why did you feel that you "had" to explain at all?

Why? Because she asked me to?

@MutteringDarkly

Have you seen the website "man who has it all"? T shirts for just these occasions...

Must admit it did make me smile 😃

Oh I agree shouting random stupid and unnecessary comments with or without a sexual context is completely unreasonable. From what I read though this was more about someone just commenting and the OP taking offence as a) it was a man and b) op didn’t really like the content of what was said

What person would like someone making a comment telling them what they’re eating will make them fat? And why is it anyone business what a stranger is eating and commenting on what they shouldn’t and should eat as if it is any of their business?

The stranger could have just said “That looks great. What is it?. It is completely unnecessary and extremely rude to tell someone what they shouldn’t and shouldn’t eat regardless of their size.

*should

Don't get this as much nowadays but I once got the lesser heard "nice legs what time do they open?" On another out.They're closed for a private party I retorted.The only comeback I've ever thought of.

From what I read though this was more about someone just commenting and the OP taking offence as a) it was a man and b) op didn’t really like the content of what was said

Which is perfectly reasonable of the OP. When I go shopping I would like to buy what I like without receiving comments from anyone - whether male or female. It's usually men, though to be fair it has happened extremely in frequently. But I've just laughed it off - but next time I will use the OP's comeback.

And to the person who said "oh do you really want a world where we avoid every social contact" - I want a world where I can avoid every unwanted social contact. If someone says "oh I really like your coat where did you get it from" that's fine. if someone says "oh you are buying a lot of [insert random item] here" that is not fine.

If people really want to express their opinions to others, they can join a debating society.

@VeryQuaintIrene

was in a queue once with a girl wearing a Metallica T Shirt. I live and breathe Metallica and asked her with a smile if she'd managed to get tickets for the tour, it was a long, boring queue and I was just making conversation. She gave me a totally blank look and I had to explain they were a band and she'd bought the T Shirt from H&M and had no clue.

But why did you feel that you "had" to explain at all?

Indeed. My daughter has that t-shirt. It's just a fashion thing, doesn't mean you have to like the band. Or indeed have to try to humiliate or get one up on a young girl or woman to try to make yourself feel better if you disagree with people wearing band t-shirts who don't know the band. No-one likes a smart arse.

@DrSbaitso

A couple of times when I've had the "cheer up" and "smile" comments, I've opened my eyes very wide to serial killer proportions and leaned forward at them, staring and resolutely not smiling. I have very large and sunken eyes and honestly, it can look terrifying. And they got properly alarmed and backed off. Fuckers.

Awesome

Excellent thread, and absolutely top-notch rebuttal of @Battleneck utter mansplaining shite. 😡

There is a vast difference between a shared social interaction that happens between people (male or female) and is part of micro connections which we all rely on and realised how much we missed in lockdown (chat within the shop assistant, exchange about the weather at the bus stop etc) AND
What OP describes, and many others here, excellently, which is not just the comments themselves - which are problematic - but the intrusion on women's time & space.

Even the friendly 'oh that muffin looks nice' can fall into that category. Standing behind someone in a queue it's hard to see how that interaction evolves within social norms.

Usually there are indications that an exchange is welcome - these are more or less subconscious but they are there.

You make eye contact, exchange a smile, are already having a shared experience (eg waiting by a bus stop in the freezing cold).

Eg the muffin comment (the innocuous one). What's the point? No way would a woman say it to a man or another woman. Or a man to a woman.

The woman has bought the muffin. She doesn't need the fecking endorsement by Random Man.

No, no great harm, and certainly lacking the offence of the comments about getting fat which are outrageous.

But still part of that unwanted male intrusion. @Battleneck comments are either wilfully ignoring the issue - so well explained by many here - or being disingenuous to an extreme by imagining such a comment represents normal social interaction.

@Battleneck
I’m sure this has been pointed out by many pp already but as you are not on the receiving end of these comments you don’t experience them as often as the women on this thread do. Therefore you know not of what you speak; you can only “imagine”.

The reason this is a problem is because men use them as a power play. You don’t know that because you don’t experience them. We do.

But cheers for your imaginings anyway, they’re really helpful

@BlueLobelia & TrueRefuge

Hopefully @Battleneck will reflect on your posts and realise that he has not understood the debate.

I have experienced almost all the things you mention, and most of the women I know would say the same. I'll add to the list of questions:

• How many times have you been on public transport and had to make a decision about the safest response to a bigger stronger man who sits next to you, blocking you in to your seat, and asks personal questions about your sex-life/where you live etc? (Eg. if he perceives you as 'rude' will be get violent, if you act friendly will it encourage his advances).
• How many times have you reported the above and been told not to worry it's 'just his way', even after he has followed you off the train in the dark asking to come home with you?

I've loved the parking posts - I didn't even think of this before, but YES! It's only & always men who do this to women.

Hate it.