The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

@citycitycity

thanks for your comment, random man

This is brilliant and I will remember it for future use!

yes I hope if this happens to me I remember to use it!

@Battleneck If you want to understand feminism, think about this (or answer these questions here on the thread for us all to understand your male experience better).

• Have you ever been told by a strange man larger than you, "Smile, you'll be more attractive"? How many times?
• Have you ever been told by your cab driver, on your own, men who get drunk deserve to be raped?
• Has a stranger ever groped you without your consent? How many times?
• When you were a child, say 12-13, were you ever wolf-whistled and cat called by groups of men in cars, whilst in your school uniform?
• Have you ever had someone stare at you out of a car window while they creep slowly alongside you as you walk alone on a dark night?
• Has a woman or man ever commented on your body or sexual attractiveness while you were just trying to go about your day? How many times?
• Have you ever been objectified at work by a colleague because of your gender? How many times?
• Have you ever got into what started as an innocent conversation with a pleasant-seeming stranger, only for them to remove their trousers and ask you to pleasure them mid-conversation?

This is a list of what I have experienced as a woman, and it doesn't include some much more personal things that would derail the thread. These are not abnormal situations for women.

And these are all the reasons why even nice-seeming, "innocent" comments are not usually welcomed by women.

The man who exposed himself to me and asked for "a favour" was in his 70s, sweet and kind, and it happened in a nice park on a lovely bright Sunday morning.

Do you think I now have any time for what some strange man thinks about the record I'm looking at?

As a man, try and remember that the average woman's experience is VERY different from the average man's, the next time you want to strike up an innocent conversation with a woman. And when you come on a thread where women are describing their experiences and try to make a point about how sometimes these are just innocent comments.

So many women have been hurt trusting men who they believed to be nice. We have been trained to do that forever. And that is why gender-based violence is the absolute shitshow that it is today.

Id have retorted with

Don't dish it out if you can't take it stroppy man....

(its the men that say

smile, it might never happen

oh do fuck of you just did)

But the examples you have given can and do come from women too! It seems you just want to moan about men which of course is your choice. I don’t get why people get so wound up about such trivial nonsense. People - yes both genders randomly make comments/ talk to me all the time. I’m always polite back, why wouldn’t I be?

I was in a shop yesterday looking at lingerie and some random woman starting talking to me about how she could never find a bra that fitted. I was polite but made it clear I didn’t really want to engage in conversation but she just kept talking! That’s ok, no problem, maybe some people just like to converse with others as they don’t have much adult conversation at home.

It’s a shame you feel the need to pigeon hole people. That is unreasonable. At the end of the day who cares?!

I was told, in public, by a stranger, to "cheer up, love, it might never happen". The day after my dad died.
I didn't hold back and told him my dad had just died. His face was priceless, and he was very apologetic. But l commented that maybe he should think before saying it to someone else.
Then, a week or two ago, when l was at work, another man said something similar. I replied with "A man said that to me the day after my dad died, as well...." and gave him a look.
He looked embarrassed, didn't reply, but when he'd finished packing his shopping, he said "I wasn't being funny, love..."
But again. They've no idea why you might not be beaming like a chimp, or that they're being inappropriate. I've taken it upon myself to enlighten them.

The led zepplin one Im sorry but you came across rude, even if you didnt want to be friendly you could at least be basic level polite.

Ah. A variation on #BeKind. It's that kind of socialisation that's led to nothing short of danger for some women, so anxious are they to be polite, kind and nice to the men who have no compunctions whatsoever about pissing all over their boundaries in the first place.

If they'd stop publicly accosting us, female strangers who don't know them from Adam, we wouldn't bloody well need to #BeKind.

Here's one woman who's had enough of that noise. Sometimes rudeness is under good regulation.

Fucking HATE these type of men!

I was once informed by two lovely gentleman on the high road that they would never consider having sexual intercourse with me in a million years. This suited me fine as I had only popped out to get milk from the little Tesco's and not a shag. Although I'm sure they believed I was wholly disappointed by their announcement

@SheilaMoon

But the examples you have given can and do come from women too! It seems you just want to moan about men which of course is your choice. I don’t get why people get so wound up about such trivial nonsense. People - yes both genders randomly make comments/ talk to me all the time. I’m always polite back, why wouldn’t I be?

I was in a shop yesterday looking at lingerie and some random woman starting talking to me about how she could never find a bra that fitted. I was polite but made it clear I didn’t really want to engage in conversation but she just kept talking! That’s ok, no problem, maybe some people just like to converse with others as they don’t have much adult conversation at home.

It’s a shame you feel the need to pigeon hole people. That is unreasonable. At the end of the day who cares?!

I don't see how the OP is pigeon holing people. Are you saying she is not allowed to feel uncomfortable? Why? I think it does make a difference who is talking. Your example is just that you didn't feel like chatting. Where's the power play in your example?

You were not rude, how rude of him to comment like that.

Cba with that kind of attitude from randoms. When I was a teen I worked in a supermarket.. it was constant .. most commonly was ‘smile it might never happen’ used to yell then it just did..

i was reminded of this thread when I read www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-9834323/Should-wolf-whistling-banned-Sisters-argue-public-sexual-harassment-illegal.html

having a 12 yr old daughter just makes me terrified for her - mainly because it is all flooding back to my memory of the day to day interactions I experienced when i was her age and older and terrified of the fact that really nothing at all has changed in society regarding this since I was 12.
How in the hell can you police people to stop them wolf whistling or making the kind of comments which posters on this thread have endured. Society has not changed one jot in this regard for decades and decades.
Sad and terrifying.

I bet @Battleneck has a t shirt that says " this is what a feminist looks like" on it 🤮

@mam0918
The led zepplin one Im sorry but you came across rude, even if you didnt want to be friendly you could at least be basic level polite - I use to approach people with tshirt of bands I loved on and In the past made some of my best friends that way however thanks to people as rude as you who automatically shut down someone just trying to be friendly over a shared interest I know longer reach out and try to make friends with new people.
Are you really rude and lack social graces? You would just go up to somebody and say "what's your favourite song then", not at a concert or a party in somebody's house, just random, in a park. Total stranger. No "hello" no "I love Led Zepplin too, great tee shirt" you just start the conversation? I don't think so. Most women don't.

I think the label ‘random comment man’ is pigeon holing.
I’m not saying anyone should or shouldn’t feel anything- but how one feels can sometimes be from within rather than an external. I personally wouldn’t feel at all uncomfortable with any comments given, but i don’t really care what people say in these circumstances as it’s harmless.

"Although I'm sure they believed I was wholly disappointed by their announcement"

@BrightYellowDaffodil

As a man I think you're overthinking it.

As a man I don't think it's your place to comment on how women should or shouldn't feel. It's certainly not your place to be a patronising arse, which is what your 'overthinking' comment is.

This. In fucking enormous spades.

@BashfulClam - I had the same t-shirt! I was 17 and felt like it was me, rolling my eyes at every man who'd ever told me to "cheer up love, it might never happen!", but 41 year old me wants to crawl into a ball of shame at just how conceited it made me look... I think I need some of my teenage ballsyness back!

@SheilaMoon yes women will start a conversation with other women but what these men are doing isn't conversation. It's shouting random stupid unnecessary often sexual comments at women. They do not do this to other men.
I've had this through out my life, even as a child, for many different stupid reasons. Wearing glasses, having ginger hair, not publicly displaying the colour of my pubic hair, wearing shorts, having a drink, having sun burn, driving a car, running for a bus just the everyday stuff you should be able to go about your business doing. It has always been from men never women.

@SheilaMoon

But the examples you have given can and do come from women too! It seems you just want to moan about men which of course is your choice. I don’t get why people get so wound up about such trivial nonsense. People - yes both genders randomly make comments/ talk to me all the time. I’m always polite back, why wouldn’t I be?

I was in a shop yesterday looking at lingerie and some random woman starting talking to me about how she could never find a bra that fitted. I was polite but made it clear I didn’t really want to engage in conversation but she just kept talking! That’s ok, no problem, maybe some people just like to converse with others as they don’t have much adult conversation at home.

It’s a shame you feel the need to pigeon hole people. That is unreasonable. At the end of the day who cares?!

It seems you haven't RTFT.

As a sexual abuse survivor, I can guarantee that the last thing I want are random creeps commenting on my appearance or fuckability.

Glad you have no experience of that crippling panic however. I wish nobody did.

[quote TrueRefuge]@Battleneck If you want to understand feminism, think about this (or answer these questions here on the thread for us all to understand your male experience better).

• Have you ever been told by a strange man larger than you, "Smile, you'll be more attractive"? How many times?
• Have you ever been told by your cab driver, on your own, men who get drunk deserve to be raped?
• Has a stranger ever groped you without your consent? How many times?
• When you were a child, say 12-13, were you ever wolf-whistled and cat called by groups of men in cars, whilst in your school uniform?
• Have you ever had someone stare at you out of a car window while they creep slowly alongside you as you walk alone on a dark night?
• Has a woman or man ever commented on your body or sexual attractiveness while you were just trying to go about your day? How many times?
• Have you ever been objectified at work by a colleague because of your gender? How many times?
• Have you ever got into what started as an innocent conversation with a pleasant-seeming stranger, only for them to remove their trousers and ask you to pleasure them mid-conversation?

This is a list of what I have experienced as a woman, and it doesn't include some much more personal things that would derail the thread. These are not abnormal situations for women.

And these are all the reasons why even nice-seeming, "innocent" comments are not usually welcomed by women.

The man who exposed himself to me and asked for "a favour" was in his 70s, sweet and kind, and it happened in a nice park on a lovely bright Sunday morning.

Do you think I now have any time for what some strange man thinks about the record I'm looking at?

As a man, try and remember that the average woman's experience is VERY different from the average man's, the next time you want to strike up an innocent conversation with a woman. And when you come on a thread where women are describing their experiences and try to make a point about how sometimes these are just innocent comments.

So many women have been hurt trusting men who they believed to be nice. We have been trained to do that forever. And that is why gender-based violence is the absolute shitshow that it is today.[/quote]
to this I would add (just off the top of my head)

• how many times have you walked through a car park with your car keys stragetically placed to try and be able to retaliate if you are attacjed from behind

-how many times have you plotted your journey home by the street lights and residential areas

-how many times have you not gone running in the morning because you cannot guartantee you will not be attacked

• how many times have you been polite to a male colleague, only to have it misconstrued as you being up for it, and then your name slandered when you turn them down and have this impact your career

-how many times have you been followed home from a randomer on the bus and sexually assaulted at your front door while you try and get inside and to have the police AND the people you tell ask you what it is you did to provoke it?

[actual events experienced by me]

[quote Jerima]@SheilaMoon yes women will start a conversation with other women but what these men are doing isn't conversation. It's shouting random stupid unnecessary often sexual comments at women. They do not do this to other men.
I've had this through out my life, even as a child, for many different stupid reasons. Wearing glasses, having ginger hair, not publicly displaying the colour of my pubic hair, wearing shorts, having a drink, having sun burn, driving a car, running for a bus just the everyday stuff you should be able to go about your business doing. It has always been from men never women.[/quote]
Oh I agree shouting random stupid and unnecessary comments with or without a sexual context is completely unreasonable. From what I read though this was more about someone just commenting and the OP taking offence as a) it was a man and b) op didn’t really like the content of what was said

@HoppingPavlova

and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

That’s extremely presumptuous! Mahogany m a woman and man have struck up the same conversation out of genuine interest. Not looking to ‘catch you out’, or with any other hidden agenda. So to presume this would be the case just because it’s a man I find extremely odd and I wouldn’t wonder that anyone, man or woman would be taken aback by your reaction.

I agree the 'then' bit probably tipped it over.

I was in a queue once with a girl wearing a Metallica T Shirt. I live and breathe Metallica and asked her with a smile if she'd managed to get tickets for the tour, it was a long, boring queue and I was just making conversation. She gave me a totally blank look and I had to explain they were a band and she'd bought the T Shirt from H&M and had no clue.

I'd bet the guy assumed you'd done the same with your Led Zeppelin T shirt. (can't agree though, 'In the Light' beats 'Heartbreaker' every time for me though!!)

The led zepplin one Im sorry but you came across rude, even if you didnt want to be friendly you could at least be basic level polite.

Eh no,the person trying to be a smartarse was rude.The op just answered his question with a bit more knowledge than the rm

YANBU

I know exactly what you mean. It is rude. I as a woman wouldn't approach a stranger (male or female) and say any of those things so why do some men feel it is ok.

But the examples you have given can and do come from women too! It seems you just want to moan about men which of course is your choice. I don’t get why people get so wound up about such trivial nonsense. People - yes both genders randomly make comments/ talk to me all the time. I’m always polite back, why wouldn’t I be?

I’m really happy for you that you don’t know the answer to that question. Honestly, I hope you are fortunate enough never to find out.