The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

@Battleneck i just knew you where a man.
Listen to us women when we tell you we dont like being commented to or on.
Its not funny or fucking clever.

We dont know the men saying stuff to us are aggressive or harmless.As a man you just havent a clue.
So stop shiting on about something you know nothing about.

@HarebrightCedarmoon - I think we may have bumped into the same gentleman...

I guess I should clarify that I didn't shout at him. But I wish wish wish that I could have thrown some witty retort/unsolicited advice back at him...

People are social animals and they talk, even to people they don't know!

I talk to people I don't know. I never used to, but I do now. I work in an area where a lot of people I come into contact with are socially isolated and sometimes, the right comment to the right person makes a difference.

I wouldn't have told the OP her muffin would make her fat though, I'd have said "that looks delicious."

And I wouldn't tell someone to smile, or comment on whether I thought they were over or under weight, or muse on how much more attractive they might be if they did this or stopped doing that.

I think the people on this thread pointing out that men don't tend to make these comments to other men have it right. It's a thing some men do to women to make them uncomfortable, and if we don't crap sunshine in response they take offence.

We can tell the difference in this situations, between someone making conversation, even if it's not wanted, and someone making a bit of a dig for weird power-trip reasons.

I was asked why I looked so miserable and my response "I just lost my baby last week" was met with "well it's Christmas, you should cheer up." His friend at least had the decency to apologise for him. I'm not even sure I did look miserable then, I think I looked more dazed and stricken if anything.

My cousin was travelling from her city to ours by train on the morning of our grandfathers funeral, and a man shouted at her "Dressed like that you look like somebody died" at her.

These sort of comments, they don't cheer anybody up. Why would they, it's not what they're made for?

And to be honest, lots of women don’t particularly like it when strange men make unsolicited and unnecessary attempts to speak to them, because we never know when it’s going to turn into a really creepy and threatening experience where you can’t get rid of him/he follows you round several shops/he pesters you for your number or worse. You don’t have to say anything at all. The woman in question doesn’t need to know that you like the band. Your opinion isn’t important to her.

Absolutely this.

On our way for DD 15 orthodontists treatment and both focused and worried on that - let guy on moblity scooter go past - suddenly he was making or these denigratory comments about DD1 clothes - lots of cowboy comments as she was wearing a jean jacket, steam punk style bag on waist and jekins looked lovely - he slowed down to keep making them - got ignored by DD1 and filthy look off me. We had to cross the road to get away - he was getting quite riled I wasn't smiling at his put downs to my daughter.

Nothing about that was about incident was about wanting polite conversation with us and even if he had our attention was focused on our stuff so weren't in the mood for random conversation and nothing we did was indicating we were.

@TomNookk

in relation to the ‘smile it might never happen’ what do they mean it might never happen ? what might never happen

I always wondered that 'what might never happen?'.

As many women seem to say this as men though, In fact I would say more women have said it to me than men and Im naturally quite a smily person (but no one can smile 24/7).

@Chickenyhead

This was one of the scariest I remember.

www.thesun.co.uk/news/13146491/actress-followed-posh-c-not-wearing-face-masks-tube/

There have been times in my life where I have been suicidal and left the house only to attend MH appointments. You would think that my body language would display my obvious difficulty? Or the tears running from my eyes? No. Power trip target gold.

God, he's so annoying. She did very well there.

There was a pick-up truck blocking the road the other day and I was trying to get to an appointment so time was of the essence. I live on a cul-de-sac and it's one way. Occasionally drivers don't pull in and just sit in, or leave their car in the road (and it is ALWAYS men who do this by the way) and I couldn't see, approaching, whether there was anyone sitting in it as it had those stupid tinted windows, so I bipped lightly on the horn (not by any means blaring). An arm shot straight out of the window immediately and made a rude gesture, he did then move forward and pull over but then was mouthing off (I could see his red angry weaselly little face but was certainly not going to wind down the window so had no idea what he said) and I just mouthed and gesticulated "What's your problem?" as I went past.

Just the fucking entitlement and anger though, and immediately flaring up like that when he was so clearly in the wrong, it's incredible. Scary that there are people out there as well, driving around that angry.

I also love the “thanks for the comment, random man” , as the man is obviously the centre of his own universe, so being called “random” timely points out his insignificance

I get a lot of comments, always have, as I look approachable (friendly round moon face). I rarely feel offended, I always think “poor guy, must be lonely and starved for conversation, I’ll throw him a crumb”

@Binnaggy

Who the eff has voted that YABU?!!

Men, presumably.

Have you seen the website "man who has it all"? T shirts for just these occasions...

@Binnaggy

Who the eff has voted that YABU?!!

A man, I'd imagine!

[quote SomethingToldTheWildGeese]@HarebrightCedarmoon - I think we may have bumped into the same gentleman...

I guess I should clarify that I didn't shout at him. But I wish wish wish that I could have thrown some witty retort/unsolicited advice back at him...[/quote]
Sadly I think there are more than one of them around.

I just said "Errrrrm, no."

I'm a 31yo woman and I've spent the last couple of weeks completely renovating my garden (ripping up turf, laying a sub-base, using rented machinery, schlepping bags upon bags of waste to the tip, etc in preparation for laying my new slabs). This has caused every nosy middle aged man in a half mile radius to take an interest in what I'm doing and offer their unsolicited opinion.

A couple of weeks ago a man I'd never seen before in my life stuck his head over my garden fence to confidently tell me I was using the wrong tool for something. I told him I'd tried that way and I pointed out why it hadn't worked, and he mumbled something about just doing it bit by bit so I didn't hurt myself. Would he have been worried about my husband hurting himself if he'd been the one out that day??

His immediate assumption was that I'm a silly girl who doesn't know how to do the job and he's a Big Strong Man whose knowledge is far superior. Fuck off.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

As a man I think you're overthinking it.

As a man I don't think it's your place to comment on how women should or shouldn't feel. It's certainly not your place to be a patronising arse, which is what your 'overthinking' comment is.

Hear hear!

I genuinely don't know what you want... do you believe that it would be best if no-one ever spoke to strangers unless necessary? I believe that (a) this is completely unrealistic, and (b) the benefit to those women who never want to speak to a strange man would be outweiged by the negatives affect on all of the perfectly normal men and women who exchange the odd pleasantry with strangers.

What is weird is that you are trying to make conversation with strangers here and it's going really badly. Everyone responding to you is annoyed with what you've said, despite the thread previously being a group of female strangers chatting to each other with no dischord.

Yet you still believe that your interjections into that conversation were to the benefit of the others involved? You, who have repeatedly told us that you don't understand the problem, are still here, repeatedly demonstrating that no, you don't understand the problem, because you are the problem.

I’ve just come on here in my break to check and will read every comment later.

I can see some posters are wondering about whether I react like this to every member of the public who speaks to me.

In short, no, no I don’t. Also I don’t react that way to every strange man who speaks to me.

This is very specifically about a specific type of man who feels the need to embarrass, trip up or assert their dominance over women they see in the street. If random comment man (or RCM) said something like ‘love blueberry muffins’ or ‘enjoy your coffee’ I would have chatted back or at least said thanks. It’s the unsolicited advice these RCMs give women that they think we need to hear!

I can see a man has found this thread so excited to read those comments later 🤣🤣🤣

Let's be clear about this, unsolicited and unwanted comments, particularly those of a personal nature or offering advice in way that diminishes one's confidence are not acceptable in any circumstance by anyone.

Oh God I’ve already seen this:

normal men and women who exchange the odd pleasantry with strangers.

I think this is the issue, RCMs think their words are just odd pleasantries? Do they though, is “cheer up love!” a pleasantry? I’d “that’ll make you fat” a pleasantry? I can see this is going to wind me up more than the actual event!

Give me strength

I'm 52 and had hoped this would be less common to me but it seems to be getting worse.
Last week I was leaving the hospital when a bloke told me to cheer up it might never happen.

1. I was wearing a mask, for all he knows I could have been grinning like the joker.
2. It was a fucking hospital! Bad things happen there all the time.

I've joined a gym, I went for a swim this morning and some random man wanted to comment on my stroke . Luckily I'm a very short tempered, sweary woman

For @Battleneck and anyone else arguing that chatting to strangers is because we are social animals - yes we are and because of that we have numerous non-verbal signals which take place when we indicate to another social animal that we are open to conversation.

Eye-contact, sharing a facial expression - whether that's a smile or the mutual grimace you give to someone when it starts pouring with rain unexpectedly. Open body language.

@Battleneck I hope you are noticing that in all the examples women are giving there is absolutely NO receptive body language indicating that a conversation is welcome. In the OP the man was BEHIND her when he felt the need to comment. In other stories, men are going out of their way even into shops from the street to deliver their unwanted advice and comments.

For any men on here who are sure they are never say anything inappropriate in content can you take a good look at your behaviour and make sure that you are not doing something unwelcome too - check for the non-verbal receptiveness in the person you want to talk to.

@SomethingToldTheWildGeese

This morning, I finished my (not-insignificant) run and was walking the last little bit to my house. A man who was walking his dog commented 'you won't get fit by walking'.

PISS OFF

This here. This here men on Mumsnet! This is not pleasantries, it’s rude and meant to fluster/embarrass. Who do these idiots think they are?

Right back to work! I’m going to fly through these emails with the fire in my veins I have right now 🤣

Surely OP it was just a jokey attempt at talking to you, to start up conversation?

Go on slap me down :)

I agree with you to a point, but he probably was genuinely passing the time of day.

Maybe ask your dp @Battleneck her opinions and see what she says.
And listen really listen to her.I think you may be shocked.

The led zepplin one Im sorry but you came across rude, even if you didnt want to be friendly you could at least be basic level polite - I use to approach people with tshirt of bands I loved on and In the past made some of my best friends that way however thanks to people as rude as you who automatically shut down someone just trying to be friendly over a shared interest I know longer reach out and try to make friends with new people.

Do you seriously think he was asking ‘What’s your favourite song then?’ to be friendly? Because that sounds really friendly, doesn’t it?! 🙄

Pathetic wankers. Want us to smile at them like Mummy used to. Why the fuck do men think we need to look deliriously happy all the time? Mummy wasn't, and neither are we while these idiots are still roaming the planet and bothering us with their sexist nonsense.