The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

Yes, men should be aware of situations when they may make women uncomfortable and basic manners means they should avoid it. As absolute basics:

• If you find yourself walking behind a woman down the pavement and there is no-one else around, cross over to the other side of the road.

• Don't talk to or approach women in any sort of lonely or quiet area

• Don't pull over in a vehicle and ask a lone woman or girl for directions

do you believe that it would be best if no-one ever spoke to strangers unless necessary?

Yes, unless in a 'social' environment eg a party.

I've always had a miserable face, adopting what is now called a 'resting bitch face' from very early on in an attempt to deflect comments. Not sure it worked well, tbh. When I was about 20 a random passing man told me one summer evening 'you look as miserable as sin. Smile'. So I told him I'd just heard an ex had died (aged 26, prob didn't say the age). Random man said 'well, I didn't know'. How the fuck can anyone know what is happening in a stranger's life? Arrogant cunts, the lot of them who do that.

This morning, I finished my (not-insignificant) run and was walking the last little bit to my house. A man who was walking his dog commented 'you won't get fit by walking'.

PISS OFF

The problem for women with 'passing comments' from random men is that not meeting that comment with correct, man approved response will most likely result in agression towards them. Therefore what random thread man sees as an exchange of pleasantries, is seen by many women (most of whom are still normal) as a gateway to abuse.

I have found that as I age, I rarely get the random man comments about my appearance/what I'm eating/whether I'm smiling. But I seem to get far more of the 'helpful' comments/actions and 'jokes' clearly aimed at making me feel awkward. Eg. being served in a shop by a man of around my age and he asked if I wanted a bag. I said no thanks I've brought my own. He responded with 'there's a £5 corkage charge for using your own you know love'. Another time I was meeting a friend for lunch and popped in to the pub to ask if it was OK to park in a particular place (no other spaces available but it was not obvious whether this would be blocking access). The man behind the bar replied with something like 'no, we have a policy of shooting anyone who parks there'.

Your reply is brilliant - I need to remember that for next time

Just absent-mindedly say "We are experiencing a high volume of traffic at the moment. Your comment is very important to us. Please hold the line." As you walk away...

But really. There are so many things people can say that aren't creepy or sexist if they want to just be friendly, like "Good choice, I love those biscuits too!" or "nice day out, isn't it?" But no... Always with the 'smile', 'it might never happen', 'you'll get fat', etc. I have no sympathy for these troglodytes. May they be subjected to the same creepy comments by a much larger man, and see how they like it then.

@SomethingToldTheWildGeese

This morning, I finished my (not-insignificant) run and was walking the last little bit to my house. A man who was walking his dog commented 'you won't get fit by walking'.

PISS OFF

Oh I've had that. "Shouldn't you be running?" from an unfit-looking middle aged man. Who was with his wife as well!

IMHO Man not particularly unreasonable for the question (so many people wear shirts for fashion and it rightfully annoys "real fans")

In what way does someone wearing a t-shirt 'rightfully' annoy 'real fans'?

Your posts on here suggest that you are underthinking. If you really believe this:

I also struggle with how many women are unable to shrug it off completely like water off a ducks back - after all why the fuck should any woman listen to any strange man, not least one so utterly clueless that they believe women should obey.

then have a look at any rape, VAGW or murder statistic and see why women can't just 'shrug off' an overture that is depressingly likely to lead to verbal or physical abuse.

Even on this thread, of women sharing their experiences of how men treat them and how they react when challenged, you are a lone voice arguing, telling us we are wrong, telling us that men are just being friendly, 'explaining' how men think and suggesting alternatives as though WE don't know how to make conversation with people in a queue or lift. Nobody here is complaining about someone recommending a book or making idle chat about the weather, yet you have popped up to imply that this indicates the existence of

Women who can't handle any comment under any circumstance.

Do you really not see that your contributions to this thread have been verging on the exact behaviour we're describing?

This was one of the scariest I remember.

www.thesun.co.uk/news/13146491/actress-followed-posh-c-not-wearing-face-masks-tube/

There have been times in my life where I have been suicidal and left the house only to attend MH appointments. You would think that my body language would display my obvious difficulty? Or the tears running from my eyes? No. Power trip target gold.

Try being a woman in public carrying a guitar case. Violin cases have no effect, but I guess the guitar impinges on male territory or something. I've lost count of the number of men who feel compelled to strike up a conversation about it, which is fine in itself, but then find 100 ways to insinuate that they are a superior and more knowledgeable musician than me.

.....Okay? I didn't ask?

@FatCatThinCat

The problem for women with 'passing comments' from random men is that not meeting that comment with correct, man approved response will most likely result in agression towards them. Therefore what random thread man sees as an exchange of pleasantries, is seen by many women (most of whom are still normal) as a gateway to abuse.

Exactly.

I once answered this with " and YOU would be more attractive if you learned to shut your mouth

Omg I love love love this. I may change my response now.
Usually I say something along the lines of "and I give a shit about your opinion because????

And FWIW I'm over 50 and still get the stupid shitty comments. I am hoping to become truly invisible soon.

in relation to the ‘smile it might never happen’ what do they mean it might never happen ? what might never happen

I'm from Yorkshire and random people talking / trying to have a laugh with you is part of life. It's sometimes annoying but mostly fine.

The difference with the behaviour the OP describes is when men make personal comments or give unsolicited advice.

You can be friendly and open without being rude and opinionated. Why they don't see the difference is beyond me.

@ThinkAboutItTomorrow

I'm from Yorkshire and random people talking / trying to have a laugh with you is part of life. It's sometimes annoying but mostly fine.

The difference with the behaviour the OP describes is when men make personal comments or give unsolicited advice.

You can be friendly and open without being rude and opinionated. Why they don't see the difference is beyond me.

There's a bench in Whitby that says 'This bench is for people who want to chat so please be aware of that.' or something to that effect. So if you're lonely and fancy a chat you can sit there and others will talk to you. Thought it was lovely.

@BlackSwan

Also random men stopping to check that my reverse parking efforts don't result in me bumping a stranger's car. Or offering hand gestures to tell me how close I am. Really - fuck off.

When I've had this I've just said to them, I can manage just fine. Pisses me off though.

I would’ve thrown my coffee at him

Another example of this sort of behaviour:

DH and I used to live in a house with a fairly long and oddly shaped drive-way, with gateposts and a small wall at the end that made it pretty difficult to get in/out of. The road was very minor and one way, so had very little traffic but a lot of pedestrians used it as a short cut. At least once a week some man would stop to 'help' me reverse out (or sometimes just to watch with a running commentary). Even when I politely thanked them but told them that I didn't need any help they seldom move on. If I told them that I had been doing this several times a day for over a decade they took it as an act of aggression. Their 'help' actually made it harder as I they blocked the view but pointing this out was also seen as rude. DH, who also reversed out of the same drive way, in a bigger car, received 'help' with reversing precisely no times.

I suppose, in conclusion, your words reflect the main reason I hang out on mumsnet - to be reminded of and learn about the constant sexism that women face.

I bloody knew you’d be a man.

I don’t believe that you have any interest in either being reminded of, or learning about the daily sexism women face. There are currently 269 posts on this thread. 95% of them are from women talking about how unwelcome these comments are. And what are you doing? Are you listening? Are you fuck. You’re bloody arguing with them! Accusing them of overthinking innocent conversation or claiming that some comments are obviously unacceptable but a man’s right to make start an unsolicited conversation about a band clearly trumps a woman’s right to be left alone.

I genuinely don't know what you want... Yes you do. You just have no interest in doing it.

Men like you are the reason women roll their eyes when they claim to be interested in feminism.

Ugh, it's exhausting isn't it. It's men exerting their 'right' to take up someone's time, energy and space. Women simply don't do it to men.

@LadyCatStark

I have a naturally miserable face 😂 and I always get, “smile, it might never happen!”

1. Why would I be wandering through Aldi car park with a huge smile on my face and
2. what if it already has happened?

I ALWAYS think this!

@brokenbiscuitsx

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

The fat comment is clearly rude, I also find it strange as I have never had anything remotely similar said never mind enough to be annoyed at its regular occurance.

The run in the park comment I dont fully understand, where you running? did someone tell you to run? what was actually said?

The led zepplin one Im sorry but you came across rude, even if you didnt want to be friendly you could at least be basic level polite - I use to approach people with tshirt of bands I loved on and In the past made some of my best friends that way however thanks to people as rude as you who automatically shut down someone just trying to be friendly over a shared interest I know longer reach out and try to make friends with new people.

I genuinely don't know what you want... do you believe that it would be best if no-one ever spoke to strangers unless necessary? I believe that (a) this is completely unrealistic, and (b) the benefit to those women who never want to speak to a strange man would be outweiged by the negatives affect on all of the perfectly normal men and women who exchange the odd pleasantry with strangers.

Ah, I see what you’ve done there. As @phoenixrosehere says, you’re implying that a woman who wants to hear your opinion is normal and a women who doesn’t is what - a freak and a weirdo?

It’s also interesting that you regard your unsolicited opinion as a ‘pleasantry’ that ‘benefits’ people.

And in answer to your question, no I don’t think strangers should never speak to each other unless absolutely necessary. But I do think men should try to empathise more with the female reality. And as part of that I think men should refrain from sharing their opinions, uninvited, with women who are going about their business and have given no indication whatsoever that they wish to interact with them.