The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

@username18702 I know. As someone who has been on the sharp end of men and their anger/hate (one gave me a broken jaw because the taxi driver over charged him), two have raped me and many others have just 100% seen me as 'less' so have treated me as less. Until men do not see women as 'less' we will continue to have a problem.

Now, if my friends are having issues with their male DP (and many seem to) I often point out that their DP doesn't seem to like women very much and they are aghast. It shouldn't take a broken jaw to work it out tbh.

I had the smile comment after I watched my grandad die 2 hours earlier.

''And to be honest, lots of women don’t particularly like it when strange men make unsolicited and unnecessary attempts to speak to them, because we never know when it’s going to turn into a really creepy and threatening experience where you can’t get rid of him/he follows you round several shops/he pesters you for your number or worse. You don’t have to say anything at all. The woman in question doesn’t need to know that you like the band. Your opinion isn’t important to her.''

[stands up to applaud]

I was once on holiday with a friend. We were so hungry after travelling that we found a little kebab house and just sat on the stalls by the window. A "random man" saw us eating decided to come in to the restaurant and said "You know, you would both be more attractive if you ate less"

I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I think I just went back to eating my food that I was really enjoying before he came along. The twat!

[quote changingstages]@Battleneck
*You genuinely believe that most times men make comments about weight or smiling they are deliberately trying to hurt or exert power over women?

You might be right. Maybe the percentage of men like this is higher than I imagine, and maybe they're the ones doing the vast majority of the "talking to strangers" thing. I would have thought that most are just clueless idiots, not outright scum, but maybe I'm wrong.*

Yeah, you're wrong. It's a fucking power thing. Why are you on here defending this kind of shitty behaviour? Is it because you do it all the time, and you imagine it comes across as funtime banter? Because it really fucking doesn't.[/quote]
I am not defending such behaviour. I have said upthread that comments about weight are NEVER appropriate. I never comment on people's weight (possible exception - telling DP she looks great or that we should both try to eat healthier when she comments about how fat she is (she isn't!))

I am defending the right of men and women to make innocent comments to strangers. I am not saying men have a right to tell women to cheer up, tell them it might never happen, comment on their weight / looks or unhealthy food choices. I am not saying that even the wittiest and most innocent man has a right to a positive response - I believe men and women have a right to say innocent passing comments and other men and women have a right to ignore them or express their feeling that they don't want to have any sort of chat.

reminds me of the time a random guy standing in the lingerie section of m&s started commenting on the underwear sets I was looking at! Can't remember what I said exactly but was on the lines of I don't think anyone asked for your option mate. Gave me the ick for sure!!

if you think that all passing comments that men make to women are 'innocent passing comments' then it shows you do not understand women;s lived experience where they are actually having men's will and passive aggression imposed upon them. #

In other words. You don't get it.

reminds me of when there was the fuss about sexism and abuse in British womens cycling and Bradley Wiggins was asked if he had seen any sign of that and said he, himself, had not noticed any.

Umm.... tumbleweed. It's mind blowing it even needs to be pointed out. But apparently it does.

I believe men and women have a right to say innocent passing comments
As others have pointed out, we are all fine with nice, friendly comments.
That's not what this thread is about.

[quote SafeMove]@username18702 I know. As someone who has been on the sharp end of men and their anger/hate (one gave me a broken jaw because the taxi driver over charged him), two have raped me and many others have just 100% seen me as 'less' so have treated me as less. Until men do not see women as 'less' we will continue to have a problem.

Now, if my friends are having issues with their male DP (and many seem to) I often point out that their DP doesn't seem to like women very much and they are aghast. It shouldn't take a broken jaw to work it out tbh.[/quote]
I was on a bus on my way home from work and a man walked past, called me a bitch and punched me. So I know how it feels. A colleague sexually assaulted me just before getting into a waiting cab then drove off after some drinks after work and that's just two incidents that I can think of.

I won't bother mentioning the bum pinching, comments on my breasts, comments on my weight, leering etc from all these 'friendly' men as I'll be here all day.

Sorry you've had those experiences. For many women who have been sexually assaulted and attacked by men, these comments and behaviour are often triggering. No one knows what another person has been through and until then, should hold back on their 'friendliness'.

A few years ago I was washing my car on the drive and decided I might as well check the oil and washer fluid levels. An elderly gentleman stopped and told me I should get my husband to do that for me. I asked him why? He said it was a job for the man of the house! I promptly told him that I was a very capable and independent young woman, and my hubby was busy cooking dinner the old boy went on a rant and told me I was rude, I didn’t hesitate to tell him that I hadn’t invited his misogynistic comments!

I'm the wrong side of 45 and comments from men (my own sort of age) don't seem to be dying down.

I'm 62 and they have only dwindled this last couple of years.

"I am defending the right of men and women to make innocent comments to strangers."

But you get that that's not what was happening to OP or the countless other PP who've explained their lived experiences on this thread, right Battleneck? You're now saying you're only defending all humans' rights to make passing comments to strangers, but in your first post you claimed OP was overthinking a comment that was far from 'passing'. Could you perhaps give a clear example of an acceptable comment vs an unacceptable comment? You seem to be wilfully misunderstanding the fact that many many women have experienced this kind of intrusion, they've been told to smile or had comments on their perceived attractiveness to men they don't even know or want to know. Where do you, as a man, personally draw the line between friendly passing comment, appropriate to say to either sex, and patronising, misogynistic guff spouted by men to women who are just trying to go about their day without being objectified or insulted?

@MissChanandlerBong22

I'm in a second hand record shop, and a woman is next to me also browsing. She pulls out a record to take a closer look. I, innocently, say, "l love that record, one of my favourite bands".*

That’s not the same as telling her she’ll get fat or challenging her to name her favourite song by that band.

Even then, I do wonder if you’d make the same comment to a man. I doubt it, but there’s no way of knowing.

And to be honest, lots of women don’t particularly like it when strange men make unsolicited and unnecessary attempts to speak to them, because we never know when it’s going to turn into a really creepy and threatening experience where you can’t get rid of him/he follows you round several shops/he pesters you for your number or worse. You don’t have to say anything at all. The woman in question doesn’t need to know that you like the band. Your opinion isn’t important to her.

I do get that last paragraph - not as much as other women do,, I'm sure, but I get it.

I know my opinion isn't important to her. But I also know that human interaction, small-talk etc is hugely important to lots of men and women.

I genuinely don't know what you want... do you believe that it would be best if no-one ever spoke to strangers unless necessary? I believe that (a) this is completely unrealistic, and (b) the benefit to those women who never want to speak to a strange man would be outweiged by the negatives affect on all of the perfectly normal men and women who exchange the odd pleasantry with strangers.

do you believe that it would be best if no-one ever spoke to strangers unless necessary?
Are you saying that the only way we can stop men from being patronising or misognyistic is by stpping them from making any comments at all? Surely not.

I believe that (a) this is completely unrealistic, and (b) the benefit to those women who never want to speak to a strange man would be outweiged by the negatives affect on all of the perfectly normal men and women who exchange the odd pleasantry with strangers.

So you believe that men and woman are only “normal” if they want to exchange pleasantries with strangers and those that don’t are weird?

It's nice when people give one another compliments (in the right context and tone) or point out a shared interest, or that old British standard, talking about the weather. Passing random judgements is never going to end well though in most cases.

I believe men and women have a right to say innocent passing comments

Why? I'm not interested in strangers random comments irrespective of their sex

@Taliskerskye

Cunts they are all cunts Thank the lord everyday that you’re not married to one or one isn’t your dad.

And well done for answering back. The stupid cunting cunts

Unfortunately my dad is one of these twats. He makes random uncalled for comments (always to young women who are strangers) and calls them "sweetie" or "darling".

Those around them have to put up with their nonsense all day long.

I genuinely don't know what you want... do you believe that it would be best if no-one ever spoke to strangers unless necessary? I believe that (a) this is completely unrealistic, and (b) the benefit to those women who never want to speak to a strange man would be outweiged by the negatives affect on all of the perfectly normal men and women who exchange the odd pleasantry with strangers.

OMG. The willful, disingenuous ignorance of this is absolutely outrageous.

We are telling you what we want. Repeatedly. We've given examples of the many many comments we have an issue with. In almost every single case, women have said they don't mind genuinely chitchatting comments (although some have pointed out that even those they don't like).

You are choosing to ignore all this so that you can bleat... do you also say things to your male colleagues and friends like, "I'm just too scared to even say hello to women anymore in case I get accused of sexual harassment."

You are saying that some comments are not okay and then getting defensive because in your opinion, those sorts of comments are not the standard. But you are happily ignoring the endless women on this thread who are telling you that it IS standard. That in most cases, our interactions with men that are casual and random are ALSO interactions in which men say things that attempt to impose their will on us.

You are basically just doing what all these men do = getting all upset because we don't like what you say but instead of thinking, "ooh, he doesn't mean to be a dick" we're telling you to go away.

The situations I described were not strangers exchanging pleasantries at the bus stop or in a waiting room. They came over specifically to make the unwelcome comment or deliver a lecture, it wasn't a case of being thrown together in a situation where you might have a chat with someone.

And to be honest, lots of women don’t particularly like it when strange men make unsolicited and unnecessary attempts to speak to them, because we never know when it’s going to turn into a really creepy and threatening experience where you can’t get rid of him/he follows you round several shops/he pesters you for your number or worse. You don’t have to say anything at all. The woman in question doesn’t need to know that you like the band. Your opinion isn’t important to her.

100 percent this.

I believe men and women have a right to say innocent passing comments

They do. About the time, or the weather, or the news, or politics, or the food they like to drink, or absolutely ANYTHING that is not the needs or wants or activities or appearance of a woman.

It really isn't very hard to do.

'The weather has been awful this week hasn't it, so different from last week! If this isn't enough to make you believe in global warming, what is?'

See. Not hard.

To me it's simple. Some men believe that women exist to be of use to them, either by doing something they want or by being aesthetically pleasing to them. That is why they disparage us for being less smiley, thin or chatty as they'd like. If they thought of us as real people with rich inner experiences they would never dream to ask us to arrange our faces in a way that suits their aesthetic sensibilities, as opposed to in a way that reflects how we are feeling.

I have never, ever asked a stranger to look a certain way for my own enjoyment. The only example I can think of me doing it to someone I know is asking my toddler to let me brush his hair!

I genuinely don't know what you want... do you believe that it would be best if no-one ever spoke to strangers unless necessary? I believe that (a) this is completely unrealistic, and (b) the benefit to those women who never want to speak to a strange man would be outweiged by the negatives affect on all of the perfectly normal men and women who exchange the odd pleasantry with strangers.

I'm getting increasingly fed up with your mansplaining whataboutery.

My current irritation is when I’m at the gym and using one of the cable cross machines... I set it up so that I can use both sides to do separate exercises and alternate between the two. I don’t stop between sets and get through my workout as quickly as possible so the next person can use it. But, there are a couple of guys who will approach me within seconds of me starting my workout and ask me how long I’ll be! I can’t imagine them approaching me if I was 6’ 4”, ripped and called Dave! I am psyching myself up to challenge their questioning as I am fed up with it!!