Just checking what I can actually do in my garden

[Originalyellowbelly]

Obviously not BBQ, fire pit, children, tree houses, pools, climbing frames, footballs, bonfires, low fences, music, parties,DIY , lawn mowing, extensions, cats, dogs, have I missed anything? Wouldn't want to piss off anyone within 50 miles of me.

OMG, I have cats, I am that neighbour!

There was a post on one of the barbecue threads from someone sniffing that people can't just sit and "appreciate their gardens" or something and are so unrefined and generally shit that they always have to be doing something. You're now a moral degenerate on Mumsnet if you want to do anything at all in your garden other than sit and stare at it.

I guess reading a book is allowed but don't turn the pages too loudly.

"Don’t turn the compost heap when neighbours are sitting out having dinner or have guests!"
I think you may be mistaking a compost heap for a muck heap

I only read on my kindle, I am redeemed

Only drink still drinks as fizzy ones can be very noisy

@DrSbaitso It has to be the Right Kind Of Book, though. Something vintage and biographical about travels is good. The latest bonkbuster will get you sent on your way.

You may not laugh, smile or otherwise express any form of emotion that may be misconstrued as actually enjoying yourself.

Gardens are serious business, not for pleasure.

Oh god, I have artificial grass, decking and we're laying a patio near the back door. I also have a cat, although we have cat proofed the garden so there's netting on top of the fences.

There's no hope for me is there?

Conifers.

Don't hang bin bags on the washing line (although I think it was only 1 family of weirdos doing that!)

Dont mow. You must encourage insects.

But also your garden must be a perfectly manicured oasis.

@Cosmos123

No chickens No roosters

No Cocks?

When the leaves drop off your tree in autumn you must rake them all immediately before they get blown into your neighbour's garden.

Do not use a leaf blower. Ever.

@Originalyellowbelly

I only read on my kindle, I am redeemed

Possibly. As long as there are several bookcases inside your house groaning with the weight of worthy tomes that you have indeed read. But don't have any of them visible when you're on Zoom, you boastful social climber.

@LubaLuca

Conifers.

Also: leylandii.

Possibly not wear your birthday suit even if rural out of sight or celebrity sized private grounds. Not unmasked anyway!

No games of rugby that involve using your cat as the ball.

DrSbaitso my bookshelves are sacred, I have enough to worry about in my garden.

You may not have a 100yr old tree or your new neighbours will tell you that you must chop it down because it drops leaves in their hot tub

Also: leylandii.

Yeah, big nopes to all conifers. But also no deciduous trees. Or trees that produce berries that birds like because they'll shit it all out directly over the neighbour's car.

Thank goodness no one has mentioned the clanking of spades against stones at midnight..Mwahahah

No ice in drinks in case of chinking. Ditto no sparkling drinks - those bubbles can be deafening.

Throw nets over all trees in case of leaves blowing in any wind/breeze

Avoid scraping noises on patios by knitting little chair leg socks for all seating receptacles

Only acceptable form of communication is sign language. Listen to music only with volume turned off. Dancing must take place on chairs (with knitted bootees) without movement.

According to my neighbour you can't grow ivy for the following reasons:
1 It's poisoned (it's not)

1. It damages her soil (It doesn't)
2. It damages her fence (it's our fence and the only damage I can see is from her gardener strimming too enthusiastically and her builders.)
3. It made a big chunk of her fence fall out. (It's still our fence and a chunk fell out because her builders smashed a hole in it to see where the manhole was.)
4. It killed her three trees (She planted the trees FIVE years AFTER we dug the ivy up because of her complaints. They died due to lack of light because they were planted against our 6 foot fence, 15 foot down the side of her extension.)

Go OUT to the garden and DO THINGS in it? Excuse me?

One does not utilise a garden. One looks at it. From inside.