Fil reluctant to serve niether myself nor dh nice champagne?

[KnittedJimmychoos]

Fudged details in case the eye of sauron gets hold...

But Mil and fil had been entertaining their friends, say Peter and Jane... Dh and I came in after their meal... And fil opened a really nice bottle of champagne.. Dh and I sat down chatting and fil served his friend but not me?
I made eyes at dh so he got a glass and went to serve me a glass, dh was driving and also doesn't like it.. Fil suddenly looked panicked and asked who was driving, and as dh poured he tried to make sure it was a half glass even though dh said he was ie empty excuse ? Meanwhile he then took the bottle and topped up his fiend chatting happily!
Dh then took bottle to fill me up and again fil seemed panicky!!
I did say I only fancied one glass.. And he sort of sucked in his breath and looked at me like a five year old and said "this is a really good bottle".

For context there is no way on earth my df would ever serve one person like this and not another!
Maybe he got out this bottle and hadn't reckoned on us coming back but isn't this the height of rudeness?? The mother of his only grandchildren??

Pils live in house worth a few million, not London, are very well off.. Have a wine cupboard.. They also treat dh like this.. On other stuff... Ie this wasn't a treasured special bottle saved for anniversary they can't replace..
I'm not keen anyway but I felt this was so unpleasant! Your not good enough for me to give nice champagne too!
Can't say the make because its fudged details.

Or.. Is it understandable to only want to serve this to his pal who it was intended for? I often feel like we are treated like second class citizens!!

@XiCi

I'm cringing at you turning up unannounced at their dinner party when it had been made clear you were not invited. God you and your DH must be thick skinned, and have a total lack of social skills. You keep saying over and over that your DF wouldn't have treated your DH like that and would always offer him a beer but it's not the same at all is it. You say there were 6 people there. They had saved a really good bottle of champagne as a treat. So 4-6 glasses. Then you turn up unannounced and want a glass and your DH is busy grabbing the bottle to top you up. No wonder your FIL was looking alarmed, it will have meant that he or his friends (who may have brought the bottle with them) are not going to get a full glass . So the equivalent at your house would be if your parentshad friends round and there was 1 beer each left for them all at the end of the night and your DH turns up put of the blue expecting to knock 2 of them back I can just imagine how the conversation went when you left!

Spot on

Can someone start a new thread on why it’s ok/not ok to order a vodka and coke with dinner?

(Why is it not ok?)

I do concede that I am chatty they are not really and I do chat and talk (shoot me how)

I'm going to assume your description of "chatty" is similar to when people describe their children as "spirited".

Been out. Have i missed where the kids were or why the husband couldn't have arranged to see these friends himself. Or what the drink was that Fil ordered in a bar instead of what OP wanted?

This my theory, for what it is worth. Peter is DH's biological father. FIL and Peter were business partners in some country with a dodgy human rights record. Peter had an affair with MIL and DH was the result. As a consequence, FIL has always resented DH. Even though it was MIL and Peter who had the affair. FIL and Peter's business was very successful, but infidelity and undemocratic regime meant that it could not last. Move onto to the present day and MIL is trying to re-establish friendly relations. For FIL having Peter and DH in the same room is too much.....the grandchildren aren't actually his, they are Peter's. So OP's battered fanny and thirsty behaviour are inconsequential.

Just a theory.

I can’t help how I write

I was more or less with you throughout this thread, even though I’m probably more like your PILs than you, because you sound like a friendly and sociable bulldog and people like this tend to be fun and easy to be around. You’ve taken comments on board, had a laugh, taken criticism. You’ve just seemed unable to understand how your PIL’s idea of social etiquette and manners is different from yours, but ultimately you’ve accepted that.

However, with this single comment, you’ve revealed yourself. You absolutely CAN help how you write. But you haven’t/ won’t/ can’t/ don’t want to. You just want to be as you are and have other people make the effort to accept it and adapt to it.

I suspect this is how you are with your PILs, notwithstanding their own faults. Often, “this is me, take it or leave it” people are, in my experience, cripplingly self-conscious and insecure. They put up a front as a protection mechanism.

The fact you’ve started this thread - wanting to be treated the same as your SIL (why? on what basis are you the same?) and friends of your PILs (wtf? it’s a completely different relationship fgs!) - indicates that you probably do have issues. Probably best you all just keep your distance from each other and be happy in your own boxes.

That may be what happens in your culture. It is not always common in English culture, and in many families it is considered rude to not tell people in advance that you are going to visit. It is considered "especially* rude to turn up when you have been told specifically that you are not invited - the OP knew that they were not invited and therefore was extremely rude.

English culture my foot. PIL were extremely rude and it’s clear they’re not really bothered about their son and his wife. It’s interesting how few posters have grasped how rude the PIL were.

@Newkitchen123

Been out. Have i missed where the kids were or why the husband couldn't have arranged to see these friends himself. Or what the drink was that Fil ordered in a bar instead of what OP wanted?

Don’t know where the kids were. Don’t know what drink fil ordered instead. Know that the OP wanted a vodka and coke but this apparently should never be drank at dinner but we don’t know why.

I can't feel upset over any rudeness in turning up uninvited when it's so clear that the PILs were far worse for only inviting one of their children to visit the old family friend, even though their son wanted to see him, too. Unless the OP has concealed that the PILs explained that he could come see the friend the next day (or something similar) or the family friend would have had a reason for not wanting to see OP and her husband, I think the PIL's conduct was worse, because it excluded someone, favoured one child over another, and was hurtful.

Also, even if they were displeased that their son showed up unexpectedly, it's still rude to refuse to offer them a little of what everyone else was drinking-- or failing that, take the nice drink into the kitchen and come back with something he's willing to share with even the second-class citizens. No-one should have helped themselves to the "champagne", though. If it wasn't offered, I'd have thought FIL was rude, but chalked it up to what I already knew (that FIL is very controlling and odd with drinks).

It's unfortunate, but it does seem like the PILs here aren't very warm. Keeping their son and DIL at arm's length will have a negative effect on their relationship with their grandchildren, but maybe they're not bothered by that.

Oh I thought the vodka and coke was a hypothetical example.

@Newkitchen123

Been out. Have i missed where the kids were or why the husband couldn't have arranged to see these friends himself. Or what the drink was that Fil ordered in a bar instead of what OP wanted?

Also wondering this too.
And the size of the champagne bottle and it's make.

Fil happened to open the drink and poured glass
Chatting but no glass of anything for us... At all.. I don't think at that point pils minded us being there... It was just very clear the special expensive champagne was not for us.

That, my dear, was your signal to f*ck off. And that's what you should have done.

For all you know your FIL had something private he wanted to discuss with them - and you effectively forced your way into the situation.

Most people, seeing they weren't welcome, would leave very quickly. Or at worst would say - "Oh, no, thank you. We aren't stopping. Just wanted to say "Hello" to John and Janet". and exchange a couple of pleasantries before going.

@KnittedJimmychoos

Maybe dh feels excluded and he is, hence he was keen to see this friend because clearly he's not usually in the loop and won't know again when people go.

Clearly though people just see us as some sort of legless gatecrashers the only situation I would feel uncomfortable with my own dc turning up to see people they have grown up with pretty much would be if I really didn't like them or they had serous substance issues and really would guzzle drink down be rude and inappropriate.

This was half a glass of champagne.

AIBU posters are not know for their insight. The response really comes down to how you wrote your OP.

If you and written:

• History of PIL favouring SIL (golden child) and being rude to DH (scapegoat). No interest in him.
• History of being snobby to you: eg surprise that you could possibly know someone who went to boarding school as you are far too common.
• FIL history of controlling everyone’s drinks and ordering drinks you didn’t want.
• DH really wanting to see this old friend of family as very fond and didn’t know when he would see them again.
• PIL specifically didn’t invite him despite the request, SIL invited.
• DH thought to hell with it and you went anyway after the meal just to see the friends.
• At which point FIL overtly resisted and begrudged giving OP champagne.

You would have got a very different response.

It’s very clear they don’t think you worthy of their best champagne!

More like there's only 6 decent glasses in a bottle!

This selfish English culture is baffling to me

What a rude remark, insulting a culture like that. Would you like your culture insulted that way? Maybe things would be baffling to us.

I can see why your PIL were miffed you turned up after (purposefully) not being invited, it's not really about not wanting you to have the expensive champagne, more they didn't want to offer you any hospitality at all.

You were clearly not welcome at this particular event, but you went anyway, and they weren't so rude as to make it clear they preferred you to leave, but you should have picked up their hint of not offering you a drink - it was pretty thick-skinned of you both not to. I'm not saying I agree with their actions, but you were in the wrong and pretty entitled for gate-crashing the event in the first place - no matter how many of their grandchildren you have popped out!

it goes deep than the champagne.

and agree, they may be wasnt enough champagne and who would open another bottle just to drink half.

@DungeonKeeper

Can someone start a new thread on why it’s ok/not ok to order a vodka and coke with dinner?

(Why is it not ok?)

Curious too. I suspect some sort of wanky reason like wine is paired with a mea but vodka is not.

@TatianaBis

That may be what happens in your culture. It is not always common in English culture, and in many families it is considered rude to not tell people in advance that you are going to visit. It is considered "especially* rude to turn up when you have been told specifically that you are not invited - the OP knew that they were not invited and therefore was extremely rude.

English culture my foot. PIL were extremely rude and it’s clear they’re not really bothered about their son and his wife. It’s interesting how few posters have grasped how rude the PIL were.

Because not everyone on here thinks that the PILs were rude, obviously.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

It’s very clear they don’t think you worthy of their best champagne!

More like there's only 6 decent glasses in a bottle!

Let's count the people there, OP can correct us.

Peter
Jane - gone to bed.
FIL
DH - not drinking.
OP
MIL - not mentioned afaik.
SIL & Husband - gone home.

So by my calculation, 3 maybe 4 people who were drinking. 1 bottle would be enough in normal circumstances.

So entitled

- PIL specifically didn’t invite him despite the request, SIL invited.

OP didn't say that her h told his parents that he'd like to see John. If he'd asked what time he could come round to talk to him and parents said no then they'd be rude but it wasn't communicated to parents that he'd like to see John so their appearance was a surprise, especially as PIL saw OP and their son earlier that day.

I can’t believe how many posts there on on this thread but the thinking of the OP has not changed one iota. If you go to someone else’s house for an event you have been asked specifically not to attend it will go badly.
If it predates Covid your dh needs to address with his family why he is excluded from family events especially if he is making sure his parents are getting the chance to see plenty of the grandchildren.
You are his choice of partner and if they would like to see their grandchildren then they need to be courteous and inclusive in their behaviour towards you. You need to reciprocate by being more respectful of the fact that in their home they have a right to choose who to invite for a dinner party and if you are not invited you listen to them and stay away. But also if they do invite you, you need to take into account they are generally quieter, more discreet and drink less than you do, so respect that. When you host at your house behave in the way that suits you with the alcohol and guests you choose.

@ForThePurposeOfTheTape

- PIL specifically didn’t invite him despite the request, SIL invited.

OP didn't say that her h told his parents that he'd like to see John. If he'd asked what time he could come round to talk to him and parents said no then they'd be rude but it wasn't communicated to parents that he'd like to see John so their appearance was a surprise, especially as PIL saw OP and their son earlier that day.

Who is John? What have I missed? WTAF!!