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Original poster

Fil reluctant to serve niether myself nor dh nice champagne?

999 replies

KnittedJimmychoos · 24/04/2021 22:07

Fudged details in case the eye of sauron gets hold...

But Mil and fil had been entertaining their friends, say Peter and Jane... Dh and I came in after their meal... And fil opened a really nice bottle of champagne.. Dh and I sat down chatting and fil served his friend but not me?
I made eyes at dh so he got a glass and went to serve me a glass, dh was driving and also doesn't like it.. Fil suddenly looked panicked and asked who was driving, and as dh poured he tried to make sure it was a half glass even though dh said he was ie empty excuse ? Meanwhile he then took the bottle and topped up his fiend chatting happily!
Dh then took bottle to fill me up and again fil seemed panicky!!
I did say I only fancied one glass.. And he sort of sucked in his breath and looked at me like a five year old and said "this is a really good bottle".

For context there is no way on earth my df would ever serve one person like this and not another!
Maybe he got out this bottle and hadn't reckoned on us coming back but isn't this the height of rudeness?? The mother of his only grandchildren??

Pils live in house worth a few million, not London, are very well off.. Have a wine cupboard.. They also treat dh like this.. On other stuff... Ie this wasn't a treasured special bottle saved for anniversary they can't replace..
I'm not keen anyway but I felt this was so unpleasant! Your not good enough for me to give nice champagne too!
Can't say the make because its fudged details.

Or.. Is it understandable to only want to serve this to his pal who it was intended for? I often feel like we are treated like second class citizens!!

OP posts:

Billytheskidrow · 25/04/2021 13:18

OP, the way you write is so strange. So much talk of ‘making eyes’, an obsession with drinks, your MIL’s ‘desires’, ‘shared experiences’ and entitlement due to being the ‘mother of the only grandchild’. You have such a bizarre way with words.

Original poster

KnittedJimmychoos · 25/04/2021 13:21

Can we've stop the use of the word, guzzle.

No champagne was guzzled and certainly not by me.
Half a glass was sipped.

Re opening another bottle and waste however is probably the crux here, there money side.
I'm sure they have lots of bottle of nice champagne but wasting some the next day could have been fils burning problem hence his utterly panicked look and eyes popping out.

OP posts:

CounsellorTroi · 25/04/2021 13:21

If we go to PILs or my parent to have dinner or stay over, we take a gift. They do the same to us. It doesn't have to be huge (wine or after dinner chocolates perhaps) but it's polite. When you grow up, your relationship with parents should change and you should relate to them as adults, not as dependants.

And yet I've seen parents of adult children say on here that if they are hosting their children for Christmas they don't expect them to provide any food or booze!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 25/04/2021 13:22

Oh and OP it doesn't matter a jot if you feel comfortable just helping yourself in your own parents home. The essence of good manners is recognising that it's different elsewhere and knowing that in general, being too formal/polite will generally be considered less rude than not being formal enough.

If your DH was so desperate to see this old friend, he needed to make his own arrangements. If he doesn't in fact know the friend well enough to be comfortable contacting him himself, its very odd that he was so desperate to invite himself into this gathering uninvited.

Original poster

KnittedJimmychoos · 25/04/2021 13:22

sorry Billy, why bother reading it then?
I really dislike grammar police I can't help how I write

OP posts:

FamBae · 25/04/2021 13:22

I do not think you are being at all unreasonable, unless they were being very strict about the rule of six which you haven't mentioned so I guess we can rule that out, I think it was shitty & rude not to invite your dh and you but to invite sil and her husband, and equally shitty & rude to not offer you a drink whatever it may have been. Don't feel bad because you have rude & ignorant in laws rise above it and be thankful that your dh isn't like his parents. I do hope the comment about being the mother of his only grandchildren was tongue in cheek and not a dig at your sil as that attitude may be why you were not invited.

daisypond · 25/04/2021 13:24

Is that polite? Isn't dh allowed to feel upset that they were hosting people who knew him as a child and with this unique shared experience?

But why do you think the “family friends” would want to see your DH if they last saw him as a child? They aren’t his friends. Why would they particularly care? It’s rude of you to presume a relationship that doesn’t exist.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 25/04/2021 13:24

You have such a bizarre way with words.

I may get flamed for saying this and I'm really being a little tongue in cheek.... but OP doesn't sound very English. If you see what I mean.

Original poster

KnittedJimmychoos · 25/04/2021 13:25

Maybe dh feels excluded and he is, hence he was keen to see this friend because clearly he's not usually in the loop and won't know again when people go.

Clearly though people just see us as some sort of legless gatecrashers the only situation I would feel uncomfortable with my own dc turning up to see people they have grown up with pretty much would be if I really didn't like them or they had serous substance issues and really would guzzle drink down be rude and inappropriate.

This was half a glass of champagne.

OP posts:

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 25/04/2021 13:25

@KnittedJimmychoos

Ok, on the flip side then, it was only by chance dh found out these people coming, he's never usually included at all, we've never been invited when friends even family friends they have known all dh life over, but sil seems to be? When actual blood family is there, they almost order dh to go?

Is that polite? Isn't dh allowed to feel upset that they were hosting people who knew him as a child and with this unique shared experience? Is that polite?

Your h is not unreasonable to question why his sister is regularly invited to events that he is not. He isn't unreasonable to want to see Peter either.

But it's very unreasonable behaviour to turn up unannounced when relations are clearly fragile? Normal behaviour would be to say that he wanted to meet John and what time would be convenient to drop in so that FIL is least flustered. It sounds like he's the type to run things on a tight leash so will have calculated how many drinks everybody would have etc

CounsellorTroi · 25/04/2021 13:27

@UniversitySerf

My FIL always offered to get the drinks and always insisted on paying. I didn’t find it rude. The drinks issue isn’t the real issue it’s the hinted at biblical backstory.

So did mine, he was just a bit old fashioned. He would always get me my half of Guinness in a lady's glass!

ShiteningMcQueen · 25/04/2021 13:27

I wouldn't waste good champagne on you either.

ILs clearly think their son married beneath him.

Can't for the life of me imagine what lead them to this conclusion.

purplecorkheart · 25/04/2021 13:28

I am curious when you ordered the vodka and coke what drink did your fil replace it with?
Can I ask did you and your husband let yourself in when you visited or did you knock/ring doorbell?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 25/04/2021 13:28

It doesn't matter whether you would feel uncomfortable with your own DC turning up uninvited.

Your PiLs clearly have different customs and expectations and it sounds like you know that & chose to ignore that.

Footloosefancyfree · 25/04/2021 13:29

Op you don't get it there just don't like you. You come across as a difficult person on here nm in irl which is why your dh isn't invite either but he wouldn't go without.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/04/2021 13:30

@KnittedJimmychoos

Fed up, dh wasn't happy with the exclusion due to sil being welcomed... There was no reason not to also invite dh.. He isn't so friendly with this Peter to contact him soley however he really wanted to see him and could only really do that through his parents.

there is biblical back story but it's the severing of the drink I wanted to focus on..

If he isn't friendly enough to contact them, I can't imagine why he was so desperate to meet up with them.

CaraherEIL · 25/04/2021 13:30

I know someone who is an alcoholic whenever she attends family events she takes her own two bottles of wine. The hosts stopped offering her drinks after a certain amount of time at the event or tried to politely divert her into soft drink options because she became very loud and belligerent. She sounds similarly aggressive to you, can’t understand why other people hog the drink, she never gets offered a drink. At the pub or at a restaurant she is always intensely interested in who is paying for the wine and what is getting ordered. You have stated that your in-laws are 1 or 2 drinks people, being honest with yourself do you have a history of drinking a lot more at any previous get togethers?

Booksandwine80 · 25/04/2021 13:32

You sound completely unhinged. Thanks for a really good laugh this thread has provided 🤣

minnimiss · 25/04/2021 13:33

Well I think I'm in the minority but I'm with you OP. It was just rude not to offer you a drink. I don't know anyone that behaves like that. Even if they felt slightly put out that you had turned up they should have been polite. And you are family.

category12 · 25/04/2021 13:35

@KnittedJimmychoos

Maybe dh feels excluded and he is, hence he was keen to see this friend because clearly he's not usually in the loop and won't know again when people go.

This was half a glass of champagne.

If they're that great friends of your DH, why in the hell doesn't he arrange to see them off his own bat, rather than muscling in on his parents' evening?

You were gatecrashers - it was made plain to you that you weren't invited, you turned up all the same - what else is it?

username12345T · 25/04/2021 13:38

@KnittedJimmychoos

Dh and his family used to live over seas. This friend Peter and Jane did as well but they all live in the UK now. However they had not seen these friends for a long time, Mil did a meal for them sil and her dh were invited but it was made clear ish we were not welcome. Ie lots of hints about us being busy with the dc etc But dh really wanted to also see this family friend so we dropped in later..

You gate crashed OP and clearly weren't invited or wanted there. You knew that and went anyway then sat down and wanted to drink their expensive booze. Now you're complaining about how you were treated.

Triffiddealer · 25/04/2021 13:39

These threads are always so interesting - people have such different experiences / expectations of family.

My parents aren’t alive anymore but I would never have felt I was ‘gatecrashing’ if I dropped in to see them . They would have always been delighted and me and my partner would have been welcomed and looked after. My whole extended family is the same and nobody - even an unexpected guest - would not be offered a drink (tea, coffee, wine, champagne whatever’s going) within 5 minutes of arriving. I’m not sure if it’s a celtic thing (Scots/Irish) but being a good host and making sure nobody leaves your house without being force-fed and watered is a basic requirement. Maybe the English are different?

That said OP - it sounds as if you’ve been married a while, so should know the score by now. Your DH’s family are much more formal (as you say) and sadly, they don’t seem to like you or DH very much. You need to adjust your expectations.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/04/2021 13:39

If he isn't friendly enough to contact them, I can't imagine why he was so desperate to meet up with them

Exactly.

Turning up when you know the host has plans is rude. Not to mention knowing there were already six there so would have broken the rules.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 25/04/2021 13:40

Have you considered the possibility that Peter doesn't want to discuss life in this other country and there might be painful memories of this place that your h might not have known about because he was a child? In that case he wouldn't want to chat about this country?

Billytheskidrow · 25/04/2021 13:42

@KnittedJimmychoos

sorry Billy, why bother reading it then? I really dislike grammar police I can't help how I write

I really dislike freeloaders, but that’s by-the-by.

I wasn’t policing your grammar, per se, more pointing out your really odd turns of phrase.

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