Fil reluctant to serve niether myself nor dh nice champagne?

[KnittedJimmychoos]

Fudged details in case the eye of sauron gets hold...

But Mil and fil had been entertaining their friends, say Peter and Jane... Dh and I came in after their meal... And fil opened a really nice bottle of champagne.. Dh and I sat down chatting and fil served his friend but not me?
I made eyes at dh so he got a glass and went to serve me a glass, dh was driving and also doesn't like it.. Fil suddenly looked panicked and asked who was driving, and as dh poured he tried to make sure it was a half glass even though dh said he was ie empty excuse ? Meanwhile he then took the bottle and topped up his fiend chatting happily!
Dh then took bottle to fill me up and again fil seemed panicky!!
I did say I only fancied one glass.. And he sort of sucked in his breath and looked at me like a five year old and said "this is a really good bottle".

For context there is no way on earth my df would ever serve one person like this and not another!
Maybe he got out this bottle and hadn't reckoned on us coming back but isn't this the height of rudeness?? The mother of his only grandchildren??

Pils live in house worth a few million, not London, are very well off.. Have a wine cupboard.. They also treat dh like this.. On other stuff... Ie this wasn't a treasured special bottle saved for anniversary they can't replace..
I'm not keen anyway but I felt this was so unpleasant! Your not good enough for me to give nice champagne too!
Can't say the make because its fudged details.

Or.. Is it understandable to only want to serve this to his pal who it was intended for? I often feel like we are treated like second class citizens!!

You weren’t invited.

Why doesn't your DH really sit down and have it out with his parents about why they don't seem to like him and their rudeness and formality? Really press the issue for answers.

You wait to be offered champagne. You don’t demand it or help yourself.

Maybe fil had been saving that bottle to share with his friend for a celebration you weren’t aware of? Maybe friend had given him the bottle at some point?

@denverRegina

"Yes. Because in a FAMILY people can just pop in and say hi, share a drink and leave. And anything to the contrary reeks of batshit behaviour."

Ok, so you've got your friends round and you're finishing off the evening. Some are in bed, you're having a private conversation over a drink.

It's ok for your FIL to just walk in, ignore your obvious signals that he isn't welcome, grab himself a glass and pour himself a couple of glasses of the champagne your friend had brought for the two of you to share is it? No, it wouldn't be.

Yes it would be fine as a quick drink doesn't completely kybosh my evening. They went after dinner - SIL had already left. I just find anyone saying it's not ok to pop in to say hi to an old family friend utterly bonkers.

In future OP, arrange to meet old family friends at your house and put this one down to experience.

From that pov I do appreciate it maybe hard for them to accommodate me, when they struggle to accommodate dh.

But you also need to try to accommodate them. Can you not see that?

I'm sorry, but I find it bizarre that if you heard something was happening to which you were not invited that you would just turn up anyway.

It's so rude.

I'm calling Classics on this one.

24 pages and counting of everyone telling OP she's being unreasonable, OP disputing it and digging deeper with every post.

@KnittedJimmychoos but don’t you understand that if you are someone who makes your own it’s a lot of work and you can feel it’s ok to go without the pomp and ceremonies when it’s family.

You seem to expect a lot from them and looking for digs when there may not be any, like in your restaurant example and the canapés.

*See. Batshit.

I honestly have to laugh at such utter nonsense. And to think that you people mingle in the world thinking that this sort of behaviour is normal.*

Normal behaviour would have been

FIL mentions Peter and Jane coming round and OP and H not invited.
H mentions that he'd really like to see Peter so he'd like to drop by for a quick chat.
FIL gives him a time to pop round so that it doesn't ruin his time with his friend.

I think it's weird that they saw each other early in the day but he didn't say he'd like to come round later to see Peter and introduce him to OP.

While the FIL was oddly stingy with the alcohol considering how wealthy he is, I think he's right to be flustered when he told his son and wife that he wasn't welcome that night but they still turned up. Families can usually drop in but if they specifically say that they are busy then most people wouldn't drop in.

@PotionNotion

I'm sorry, but I find it bizarre that if you heard something was happening to which you were not invited that you would just turn up anyway.

It's so rude.

The bemusement is quite funny, though: “It was clear that we were not welcome, but we went anyway and were clearly not welcome ”

Slash, the very few times I've been out in public with fil, ordering drinks has been awkward, I have taken a lead and asked what they would like and fil has snatched the reigns off me and bull dozed to the bar BUT he then ordered what he felt we all wanted.
So I didn't get the drink I wanted! It's happened a few times, in a restaurant he would just order the drink he felt was suitable and I have not been asked (nor dh of course) what we would actually like!
Another time when it was hot and I was pregnant I went to the bar to order drinks and I personally wanted two fizzy waters. Fil again barnstormed me, insisting he would get them and then got me one fizzy water even though I had made it clear I really needed two. He sat drinking the second one in a very pointed way.

Yes as pp have alluded too there are deeper issues with dh and his dp, I won't go into here but excluding him like this and then not making him or I feel welcome doesn't help over all relations.
It's been a massive learning curve for me, I do feel like it's a margo and Jerry situation actually, lots of invisible social boundaries I'm trampling over in regards to pils but they also trample over mine.

How is Don't go to something you were obviously not invited to an invisible social boundary?

I’ve only read your replies Op and frankly I don’t think you have a leg to stand on.
As a couple you were clearly not invited. Not left out accidentally but not invited for that evening. So you are rude to turn up because you fancy.

Did you come empty handed or with a bottle to open for in laws and the friends?

Its very grabby coming in and expecting the bubbles clearly bought for the old friends. Open your own.

He sat drinking a second fizzy water in a pointed way?

Ah right. Bore off

@KnittedJimmychoos

Slash, the very few times I've been out in public with fil, ordering drinks has been awkward, I have taken a lead and asked what they would like and fil has snatched the reigns off me and bull dozed to the bar BUT he then ordered what he felt we all wanted. So I didn't get the drink I wanted! It's happened a few times, in a restaurant he would just order the drink he felt was suitable and I have not been asked (nor dh of course) what we would actually like! Another time when it was hot and I was pregnant I went to the bar to order drinks and I personally wanted two fizzy waters. Fil again barnstormed me, insisting he would get them and then got me one fizzy water even though I had made it clear I really needed two. He sat drinking the second one in a very pointed way.

So why are you so baffled by how last night panned out? There’s clearly a huge precedent for this type of scene, so surely you expected it?

FiL sounds like a rude, mean, controlling PITA.
If someone I knew turned up at my house, there is no way I would crack open a bottle and just share it with one other person and not offer it to everyone.
How is that acceptable behaviour?

Another time when it was hot and I was pregnant I went to the bar to order drinks and I personally wanted two fizzy waters. Fil again barnstormed me, insisting he would get them and then got me one fizzy water even though I had made it clear I really needed two. He sat drinking the second one in a very pointed way.

Or maybe he also wanted a fizzy water? Why should you get two drinks anyway?

I am baffled but not, just wondered if this was normal and seems most of all,, on here anyway, it is.

I wonder what Prince Charles would do if he had opened some special bottle and William Kate happened to be passing.. Would he share or offer them something else

That’s not really relevant though 😂 your fil isn’t Prince Charles for a start and you aren’t Will and Kate so...

It is a bit odd to order two drinks for yourself, though. It’s irrelevant that they were fizzy waters. Normally, you order one, drink it, and then order another. Nothing “wrong” with it, but slightly gauche, perhaps.

Slash, Because it was really hot and I was really thirsty and very happily at the bar ordering and paying, when fil took over and then made it seem like I was being greedy?

in all honesty I find pils hard work and don't really want them around.. They drag the mood down.

Maybe the do feel the same way about us.

And why shouldn't they? You don't get exclusivity on feelings and opinions even if you did produce GC under PILS' orders

@KnittedJimmychoos
You seem totally hung up on being treated exactly the same as SIL and how your family treat and react to people and most of all on money and the value of what's offered to you.

In all honesty I would offer refreshments even if someone was unexpected, but I'd be miffed at sharing a 'good champagne' with someone who I knew wouldn't particularly appreciate it and wanted it just because it was something we were quietly enjoying at the conclusion of our evening with guests. It's obvious you made them feel awkward and that's a horrible situation in your own home. You'd rather they were totally false to your face?

I'd never just drop in on anyone, including family, without the courtesy of checking with them first. For my family that's very basic good manners. You need to learn people all have their own vibe.

You clearly don't like them, at the same time, you're annoyed they don't like you, especially as you're the one currently securing the family lineage. I think you'd be a lot better off letting it go and focusing on the people you do like.

The OP and her DH knew this was a formal dinner party to which they were not invited but showed up anyway. Other people declaring that in their homes every event is a “come one, come all” situation is irrelevant because that’s not the case with every family and Op knew it wasn’t the case here.

They did what CFs always do - ignored The Rules Of Good Manners (which would generally indicate that you don’t just turn up at a dinner party) while depending on other people observing The Rules (you must be a gracious host) to get away with it

So while FIL was “technically” rude by not offering a drink, I actually don’t blame him and IMO the fear so many people have of being considered rude is why people like OP (who has a neck like a jockeys bollox based on her posts here!) get away their crap.

Oh and all the posters insisting that adult children are entitled to treat their parents home as their own should probably have a think about what that means. Are they never entitled to have a quiet evening on the couch watching TV and sharing a bottle of wine?
Are they no longer allowed to plan an evening with just one other couple?
If they want to have a private conversation with one of their dc must they do it away from their home lest another mosey in unannounced?
What if they fancy an afternoon quickie or do families have an agreed code for that? Tie on the gate post maybe?

I mean jeez, there’s a middle ground between waiting for a formal invitation and treating their home as your own, have a little bit of consideration. They’re people in their own right and don’t just exist as your parents!

You already know there is a problem between your DH and his DP. You knew that he wasn’t invited to this event. You both went anyway- the vibes willing you to leave must have been palpable. You were thick skinned enough to put pressure on your partner to ensure to got half a glass of a special bottle of booze, then managed to drink that quickly enough to ensure you had a top up. I think they have a negative attitude about you that you keep reinforcing with your behaviour. To be so overtly rude to you in company your FIL must have been really exasperated. People are saying that their family members drop in all the time no matter what the event and they think that’s great. You know this is not true of DH’s family, you know you were not invited. Relationships of all types, including familial are built on mutual respect of each other’s feelings and boundaries, not bulldozing through saying ‘ But why aren’t they like meeee?’

If you popped round in the off chance when your in laws were entertaining it was extremely rude of you to stay, let alone make yourself comfortable and start drinking his champagne. You are rude and grabby OP!