Fil reluctant to serve niether myself nor dh nice champagne?

[KnittedJimmychoos]

Fudged details in case the eye of sauron gets hold...

But Mil and fil had been entertaining their friends, say Peter and Jane... Dh and I came in after their meal... And fil opened a really nice bottle of champagne.. Dh and I sat down chatting and fil served his friend but not me?
I made eyes at dh so he got a glass and went to serve me a glass, dh was driving and also doesn't like it.. Fil suddenly looked panicked and asked who was driving, and as dh poured he tried to make sure it was a half glass even though dh said he was ie empty excuse ? Meanwhile he then took the bottle and topped up his fiend chatting happily!
Dh then took bottle to fill me up and again fil seemed panicky!!
I did say I only fancied one glass.. And he sort of sucked in his breath and looked at me like a five year old and said "this is a really good bottle".

For context there is no way on earth my df would ever serve one person like this and not another!
Maybe he got out this bottle and hadn't reckoned on us coming back but isn't this the height of rudeness?? The mother of his only grandchildren??

Pils live in house worth a few million, not London, are very well off.. Have a wine cupboard.. They also treat dh like this.. On other stuff... Ie this wasn't a treasured special bottle saved for anniversary they can't replace..
I'm not keen anyway but I felt this was so unpleasant! Your not good enough for me to give nice champagne too!
Can't say the make because its fudged details.

Or.. Is it understandable to only want to serve this to his pal who it was intended for? I often feel like we are treated like second class citizens!!

You we're wrong to gatecrash and then expect to be treated like an invited guest. Your fil was also rude not to rise above it and give you a decent drink since you were there.

@KnittedJimmychoos

I only got half a glass and I was topped up to full so one glass and I wasn't rushing in making instant eyes at the booze at all. It was more a case of dh.. I've been left out here! Please step in!!

You weren't bloody left out, you weren't supposed to be there at all!

Jesus Christ. I bet FIL was embarrassed in front of his mate by his bratty DIL's behaviour.

I honestly can't believe some people think the FIL was being reasonable. I've never heard anything like it. These are his family and he's begrudging them a glass?! Unreal.

@Hopeisnotastrategy exactly! The double standards on this post is staggering. I bet if the parents were dropping into the OPs house all the time uninvited she would be the first to comment

OP you are sounding more and more entitled with every post. Now you want them to invite you to stay and be part of a night out just because you happened to bump into them. They probably thought you did that deliberately just so they would bank roll your night out

The canapé example sounds a bit grabby and ungrateful tbh. Nothing wrong with some chuck in the oven jobs and if you so sometimes make your own, only doing it on special occasions.

I don’t think you will accept you did much wrong here. I would have asked if it was ok to gave a glass to my own parents, even if I expected an answer if yes, because it’s basic manners, and basic manners aren’t just for formality, they are for respect. If I bought something edible for me I would also expect DH to ask if he wanted some and I hadn’t offered and vice versa. It’s not because we are formal with each other, it’s because we respect that that was something for that person specifically.

where was your dc op?

@KnittedJimmychoos

Lakie what I mean is he is a treasured family member, dm wouldn't for instance buy him off the shelf tesco canapés to entertain him then make him say how greatful he should be when she's used to and likes knocking up home made canapés usually.. That sort of thing He would get the home made, not the shelf grab. We are not treated differently to guests and made to feel special But as pp said, I get on with dp, dh doesn't and there is the rub. I don't feel it's acceptable however in that case to push and pull him in and out when they want him or mostly the dc and not welcome other times

I'm sure pre covid they have hosted many many times and we've never known.
We bumped into them at restaurant once with a bar and they said a brief hello and sat at the bar after with their friends and didn't ask dh to join them or offer us a drink.

But I don’t see why you’d expect to be included every time your PILs have people over for dinner? And the restaurant thing is even odder — they were out with their friends! You were presumably having dinner as a couple, or with your own friends! I don’t think most people would expect to merge into someone else’s evening in that situation!

And in other families your DH’s inclusion as part of the family would be signalled by not treating him like a guest, but giving him the supermarket quickie food — I think you’re confusing your family’s ways with something more universal. Actual family don’t need to be offered elaborate food or drink.

For your FIL, it’s perfectly possible that as you and DH are family, and he was entertaining guests from overseas, that he felt you should be doing the ‘family hold back’ thing so that the actual guests get the best of the food and drink. So from his POV, you and DH were committing the cardinal sin of helping yourself copiously to something special intended for guests,. So not treating you like ‘second class citizens’, but expecting you to restrain yourselves in favour of the actual guest.

In fact, that’s suggested by him topping up the guest when your DH poured you champagne and looking panicky when he started to pour you another glass. I think your FIL was dropping broad hints about bad manners, and you didn’t get it.

@KnittedJimmychoos

We've never dropped in before though and it's not regular behaviour at all.

It's not a case of "here we go again, knock knock, guess who.. Our embarrassing son and his swaying bleary eyed lush of a wife about to drink us dry" panic stations, red alert!

So why did you on this occasion? Were you trying to make some sort of point or show up your FIL for not inviting you in the first place?

@KnittedJimmychoos

I only got half a glass and I was topped up to full so one glass and I wasn't rushing in making instant eyes at the booze at all. It was more a case of dh.. I've been left out here! Please step in!!

Maybe you should have taken the hint that you weren't wanted? Incidentally, why make eyes at your DH when it wasn't his house or his champagne to give out?

Yes, I agree that OP’s view of the restaurant thing is odd. Why would they invite you to join their friends and change the dynamic with an awkward “we’re off to our table now” etc? And why should they buy you a drink just because you were there too? You didn’t offer one to them either...

The polite behaviours would have been:

OP and her DH should not have turned up in the first place. You don't turn up at someone's house knowing full well they're entertaining.

If that didn't happen and they turned up anyway, they should have made clear they were only there to briefly say hello to Peter and Jane. They should have made clear straight off the bat that they were only there for 10 mins and didn't expect a drink.

If that didn't happen, the PILs should have been hospitable, possibly offering a drink (although it depends what the drink was - whisky or brandy is something you'd only offer to people who are sticking around), while politely making it clear that they wanted the OP & DH to leave. Saying something like "Would you like a glass of something to drink? I assume you're not wanting any of this (alcohol) as you're driving?" Would serve this purpose. The OP and DH should then have taken this hint and declined any offer.

No one should ever make eyes at the food and drink in someone else's house, or help themselves. It's greedy and rude in the extreme. The only exception is if you know that it is an established norm in that household to help yourself - but that clearly isn't the case here. Similarly, if your host pours you a small glass, you do not take it upon yourself to top it up to a bigger one.

Imagine a MIL wandering into your house uninvited while you're hosting a few friends and chatting, sitting her arse down amongst you, helping herself to the drink.

MN would be in uproar.

We bumped into them at restaurant once with a bar and they said a brief hello and sat at the bar after with their friends and didn't ask dh to join them or offer us a drink.

Yes... that’s normal. Of course they’re not going to ask you to join them. Did you offer to get them a drink?

We bumped into them at restaurant once with a bar and they said a brief hello and sat at the bar after with their friends and didn't ask dh to join them or offer us a drink.

Would it have been okay if they'd not asked your DH to join them but just sent some drinks over?
Or perhaps you could have bought them a drink?

We bumped into them at restaurant once with a bar and they said a brief hello and sat at the bar after with their friends and didn't ask dh to join them or offer us a drink

Did you invite them and their friends to join you and your DH or offer them a drink?

If it was my parents and we nipped and they were sharing a nice bottle with friends I wouldn't any of it even if I was offered. I would ask for whatever else they had.

@KnittedJimmychoos

I only got half a glass and I was topped up to full so one glass and I wasn't rushing in making instant eyes at the booze at all. It was more a case of dh.. I've been left out here! Please step in!!

They (quite reasonably) wanted you to leave, and this was a polite signal to that effect. You do not pour a large glass for someone who you want to go home soon.

I have no idea how an adult could fail to grasp this.

I think there's a book to be got out of this.
Here is Jane.
Here is Peter.
Here is a bottle of expensive Champagne.
Here is OP.
OP knows she isn't invited.
OP is rude and goes anyway.
OP sulks.
OP wonders why she's left outside with Pat the dog next time.
Everyone else knows why!
Now, boys and girls, let me explain that if you're not invited it is very bad manners to turn up anyway.
Now everyone understands why OP wasn't invited.

@LifeinPieces21

If it was my parents and we nipped and they were sharing a nice bottle with friends I wouldn't any of it even if I was offered. I would ask for whatever else they had.

Yes. I'd probably say, "oh I'm very thirsty but a glass of water will be fine".

Is that you Meghan?

Peter and Jane are the king and queen of Spain really, aren't they?

I think the crux of the issue is that the OP thinks she should have the status of Special Guest and Mother of the Only Grandchildren, whereas for her PILs, she and her DH are family, and hence don’t get the special treatment accorded to guests, and are expected to hold back and not guzzle the good champagne.

@MargaretThursday

I think there's a book to be got out of this. Here is Jane. Here is Peter. Here is a bottle of expensive Champagne. Here is OP. OP knows she isn't invited. OP is rude and goes anyway. OP sulks. OP wonders why she's left outside with Pat the dog next time. Everyone else knows why! Now, boys and girls, let me explain that if you're not invited it is very bad manners to turn up anyway. Now everyone understands why OP wasn't invited.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Love it.

Middle, I really like chuck in the oven stuff and in fact the canapés I'm thinking of, I really like and got them myself for guests. The difference is, I don't make my own and wouldn't think to differentiate between levels of guests and then make the ones I give the easy cheap option too be really greatful to me.

Once again, this has not happened before we don't always drop into dinner parties late at night angling for expensive booze.
It was a one off because dh accidentally got wind of this family friend coming and sil invited but us, no.
Yes as pp have alluded too there are deeper issues with dh and his dp, I won't go into here but excluding him like this and then not making him or I feel welcome doesn't help over all relations.
It's been a massive learning curve for me, I do feel like it's a margo and Jerry situation actually, lots of invisible social boundaries I'm trampling over in regards to pils but they also trample over mine.
Pils definitely regard me as lower status and they don't know much about my family because they never ask, but they similarly don't ask dh about what he's up to either.
Thinking about it I do think I've totally upset their family dynamic, I think most of them are very similar and I'm quite different and dh is as well. From that pov I do appreciate it maybe hard for them to accommodate me, when they struggle to accommodate dh.

@MargaretThursday

I think there's a book to be got out of this. Here is Jane. Here is Peter. Here is a bottle of expensive Champagne. Here is OP. OP knows she isn't invited. OP is rude and goes anyway. OP sulks. OP wonders why she's left outside with Pat the dog next time. Everyone else knows why! Now, boys and girls, let me explain that if you're not invited it is very bad manners to turn up anyway. Now everyone understands why OP wasn't invited.

You’ve left out FIL, whom I feel should be wearing a smoking jacket.

But as pp said, I get on with dp, dh doesn't and there is the rub.

So basically there are longstanding family dynamics that are an issue for your DH as regards his parents.

And so presumably you could have predicted that turning up to a dinner party you’d specifically been shown you were not welcome at was going to create awkwardness.

So why do it?

Your DH needs to either address this directly with his parents, or back off and leave them to it. He’s an adult, he can define the boundaries of his parental relationship however works best for him.

So this strange tale of Peter, Jane, ‘outing’ brands of good champagne, half-glass shenanigans, battered fannies, a dutifully produced grandchild and the specifics of the hospitality protocol in your own family is pretty much irrelevant in light of the long-term problems of your DH’s family history.

It’s somewhat masochistic to turn up uninvited to the dinner party of someone who has made no secret of the fact that they don’t like you and didn’t want you there, them be surprised that your pantomime eyeing of the good booze meets with recalcitrance.